Dad, Im tired
I don't really know where to start.
I just feel lost, and I feel broken.
I broke up with this girl 7ish months ago. Being in that relationship really wrecked me, there was no mutual movement, and there wasn't really a built sense of safety.
I spent a lot of time questioning myself, and turning the hurt, confusion, and insecurity that came from the relationship inward, thinking that I could get it right if I just kept trying and showing that my intentions were pure and I was serious about her. I was wrong.
I eventually got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and my reaction to her being distant and passive most of the time became really blunt. Never cruel, never disrespectful of her perspective, but definitely blunt. This resulted in her pretty much doing a slow fade thing as I still tried to fix things and make things normal. It didn't work.
There's that and I graduated highschool. Normally kids are happy to be out of school. I'm not though, it was my place. I loved going hanging out woth my friends amd teachers all day, having a gym class. The structure, routine, same people everyday. Now its just gone which has also hit me in its own way.
I dont know anymore. I don't want to get up in the mornings anymore yknow. It feels ppointless. I cant sit down amd enjoy my favorite games anymore, I cant watch my favorite movies or YouTube channels. He'll I can't even sit alone with myself anymore and I used to love just sitting alone with myself.
Everyday feels like a test of my willpower, amd I feel like I'm starting to lose.