Used globs of mozzarella instead of shredded. It tasted amazing and she loved it. Sorry for the bragpost but I had the worst beginning of the year ever. And I must not take these moments for granted.
High effort cringe for y'all
I roasted cocoa beans and used a molcajete to smooth some of the cocoa. I then added cayenne pepper, cinnamon, and sugar. I also added coconut oil to firm it up but would have skipped that if I processed it more.
This taste best when added to milk or water. It's very much just Ibarra or Abuelita which is a form of Mexican hot chocolate. It can be eaten as is though.
I used Ibarra with water but thickened it with atole. I also made the orejitas but shaping was bad
She's not actually evil. She's very dear to a certain yearner. This looks bad but taste good
Idk what a mamiya is, is it as good as Leica with red dot? Also I was recommended Invisble Man because if it's themes on racism, when does he stop being Invisble and turn into a minority?
I needed a smaller tray but they turned out fine. I ran out of cream cheese and had to use a regular buttercream glaze
Are these good photos? NO! But I do love California's beauty
No real framing or subject, also no real editing aside from my cat 😢 I made her look a bit like killer queen with the color grading lol
I thought I would talk on my absue as a trans woman. I am not saying this out of depression or doom. This is not ropefuel. But rather a part of life. And sometimes, it is those who have endured similarly who we find solace in. This board has brought some of that clarity to me. And I hope I can do the same for some of you.
You push it away for years because you think it's influencing your trans identity. You feel fake trans. You tell no one and live in guilt and anger. Your depression grows until you realize this is who you are and you have been denying yourself peace.
Guilt for somehow liking what happened to you, anger that it was the only form of family attention you got as a kid. And you let it happen multiple times. Regret cause it made you deny being trans for so long. The reason you repped.
Then you do your best to better yourself. You were a kid, you didn't know better. You were vulnerable. You transition and feel happier. You do therapy. You report the abuse to the police.
You first meet a detective in the outskirts of town, he pushes you to hurry up. No comforting as you describe what happened. You later go to the department to meet with detectives. They give you a visitors badge with your deadname even though you legally changed your name. Looks of disgust as you walk in.
The police question you. Ask you personal questions that you of course have to answer. You tell them what you remeber. They doubt you. "How do you know you were erect" "people that age can't have orgasms" "that position doesn't make sense, you were a small size." Expect you to remember the smallest details when this happened over a decade ago.
One fat lazy cop sits in the corner prodding at you. Doubting what you know. Pushing you. You feel angry, "oh but victims lie" and what do i gain from lying. My abuser isn't rich. They aren't some big famous person. Your anger for men grows, they are more likely to question a victim than believe them. "But innocent til proven guilty", this isnt a trial. This is a confession. The other at least somewhat shows a sliver of sympathy.
They say you could be lying about it. You mention you have been doing therapy for years. Who willingly takes antidepressants and quits their career for a lie you think to yourself?
They force you to call your abuser and get him to confess on the phone. You tell them that he would already confess. You don't want to because you know this will trigger an episode, you do it anyways. They do not comfort you as you break down on the phone. You cry and your throat tenses up. Your voice becomes more and more masculine as you breakdown. You are angrier than you have ever been. You feel as if you had to do their job.
And the worst part, you ask him why he did it. "Because you were easy."
Through the process of reporting this, you're left disabled. You did the right thing and a burden is off your shoulders, but pain exist when healing. PTSD, but of course that's a soldiers disease and we respect child killers more than trans people. They see you as a victim yet also see you as a disgusting thing. They take their time arresting him. When they do they dont even tell you about your full rights and protections as a victim. You get the restraining order days later in the mail.
You still may testify, you feel more guilty than ever. You take some solace in knowing it's almost over. But what now? You can't do your career cause of your diagnosis. Your unemployed and disabled, but of course "ptsd is not a disability". Your sister who you love even jokes "you're disabled". Your mom still has respect for the rapist.
Your family knew he was a weirdo. But hey, in Mexican culture family is important. Catholicism right? Yet your mom sees you as a disappointment cause your trans. Irony knowing your dad who is the epitome of machismo culture has come to embrace you as trans and not your own mother who has suffered in this culture.
You're brother knew this happened and he didn't say anything about it. Of course he was a kid then too. But he thought it was groping. When he sees the charges, he is shocked "I didn't know he did all that to you" as if groping itself wasn't serious enough.
And so the only people you find solace and happiness in aside from your dear younger sisters are friends. Because they are the only one's to never have hurt you. And you trust them with your whole life. Yet you feel guilty, what if you scare them away. Relationships suffer greatly from this continued abuse.
But life goes on. Despite all this pain you keep on living. And although it is depressing, and although you have contemplated ending it. You feel a sense of clarity. You have met wonderful people. You have been the sibling to a younger sister that you wish you had. You are the nicest person you can, because everyone deserves to have love and acceptance.
But more so. You transitioned. You are openly trans now. You dress beautifully and have started the process of ffs. You are finally living a life that had been denied to you.
And you feel prideful. Because in your own eyes, you are a kind person. And you learn, that sometimes the best you can do is let it out. And keep living day by day, because in all this pain, there has been great beauty along the way.
And to you, being trans isn't about performity or braveness. Much like your victomhood. You are not stunning, brave, or a warrior. You are not some soldier. You are simply a survivor. And it's not something you take pride in. It's just who you are.
Should any of you fellow trans people here have been abused. Don't bottle it in. Don't hide it. Keep living and do what you can. It's hard, some days are harder. But you just being alive and enduring it is the best you can do sometimes. And there is no shame in that.
Take care of yourselves y'all
I have been on here too much recently. Not cause I have been in a depressive episode or sad. Just cause im unemployed due to disability and have just decidedto engage more.
But it's nice seeing everybody hope and doom over similar and different things. A true air of honesty here. May you all have a good night ❤️
This is coming from a photographer and somebody who takes portraits of people. Photos can be very misleading. If you feel terrible in one photo, compare yourself to another photo. Then the mirror. In a mirror you are looking at your physical self in motion. You features are not flattened. Lighting is usually also better. You may have noticed in some photos you look better. That is not angle and light frauding. That is a photo that was taken correctly.
Cameras are very misleading. There are many things that make a photo truthful. Lighting, focal lengths, camera quality editing, etc. Photos are a brief snapshot and most of us take photos on our phones which are not great at actually capturing what we look like. Like phone use Ai processing and editing, and have terrible sensors.
If you feel bad, take your phone and record yourself in good lighting. That is what will show you how you generally look like. We often joke about light frauding. But the thing about cameras is that lighting is so important. Lighting is so detrimental to cameras unlike our eyes. Like bad lighting literally sharpens unwanted features or warps features because camera's physically aren't able to capture the correct information.
Like I shoot physical film and digital film i have had pictures of me taken on film where I have literally looked worse than I normally do. There are times where I have looked great on shitty phone cameras. But when I look at the mirror, it is consistent.
A mirror is literally you in pure physical form. So don't kick yourself for one bad photo. Its okay to feel bad that you look bad in a photo, but just know that the mirror is more accurate. And that will hopefully make you feel better.
James Balwdin in 1953 published Stranger in the Village. This essay detailed his experience in Switzerland as a black man. And how the notion of white supremacy spread to even to the most isolated places on earth. And how the hate for black people permeated across the world. Yet, in this essay he went on to speak that times were changing. That this is no longer a white world. And Baldwin came to push the idea of embracing one's own blackness and culture. Not in a coping type of way, but in one of truth.
Balwdin could not hide his black skin, he could play the passive black man. Try to appease white people. But it would never truly lead to his freedom, or being seen in a better light. And for me this essay as a young Latina was very hopeful in embracing my Latino culture in a very white place that I lived.
I grew in time to experience racism. And I was always a darker Latina. Colorism was rampant in my own community. But as the child of immigrants I often felt othered. Often by my white peers, and my own family. Being too brown for the white people and too white for the brown people. Chicano culture was big to me, and a big part of my culture was pride. Being proud to be Mexican, "Viva Mexico". This idea is one stronger than the white experience of pride. It comes from a sense of strength and perseverance, as an underdog.
It took me long to accept being trans. Part of it was trauma that I faced, and the fear of my own culture. Being in a very conservative catholic household, and white Christian society. Nonetheless, when I transitioned, I fell into the notion of boymoding. It was a safety net. What if my family hated me for it? What if I get denied jobs? Skipped over in teaching? Treated terribly by students and parents? Attacked by somebody some day?
And so I boymoded for when I started hrt at 22. When I was 23 my thoughts changed. I continued to feel racism and micro agressions day after day. Had I socially transitioned, would that fix my issues with passing? No. But, I felt as if I wore a veil. I thought much on my lived experience.
I could never hide my skin color. I will always be a Latina. And while boymoding, politically the US was doing unprecedented amount of attacks on immigrants. On Latinos. And I came to realize, my identity will always be Mexican. And when seen, I would always be seen as a Brown person first. If I girlmoded, I would still face racism.
I could hide under clothes, but my hands, my eyes, my face. Those were that of a brown person. And so what got me to shy away from boymoding was not passing.
I could have waited, hoped to eventually pass with ffs. Yet, that would not heal my current situation. Even if I did not pass, if I were to girlmode then, I would be myself. Despite bot passing, despite the hate I got.
And so I did. After 1 year I stopped boymoding and at 2 years and now 24 years old, I am still girlmoding. I still do not pass. My voice is still one of a man. I am still hoping for ffs. I have been denied jobs, been treated horribly by parents, treated lesser.
Yet, I do not regret it one bit. I suppose for me, unlike many other trans women who are white, race played a big part in how I saw my transition. And my experience will not be the same as others, even to othe people of color. Some face concerns for safety, or dysmorphia intertwined with dysphoria. Nonetheless, I am happy to have girlmoded this past year.
For many of my boymoders here, I feel what is hurting you most is your own fear. To me a life that is hidden will never be fully lived. To put on a cute outfit, to get compliments on a cute dress, to wear cute flats. To be seen as a woman even by the very few who care to, that is worth it all. There are many good things in life. Many bad things. Many boring things. Yet, just living and doing what I can, living it my way. That is what life is about. And I hope you live yours, with utter truth and sincerity.
Taken on my Afga Silette (which had a faulty focus so it was only good for up close photography, fmstl). Expired ultramax for the film stock.
Browning Auto A5 and Smith & Wesson Model 17.
No! A couple of trans people being bad isn't gonna "set us back". We'll be scapegoated regardless of the actions of one of us. Who cares about cringe trans people like Dylan Mulvaney, Sabre, or actual horrible people like the one neo Nazi shooter. We're gonna be blamed regardless so stop getting angry and whining about some cringe trans people on tiktok and blaming them for setting us back.
I mean if you wanna hate on em go ahead. But stop pulling that tirade of "oh nooo optic nukes, were screwed!"
We aren't the only group with optic nukes. Immigrants, black and brown people, etc literally all minorities are victimized. Optic Nukes are moments for the already present ignorance to be "justified".
What I'm saying is that I hate the idea of the "passive transexual". Like be the "assertive transsexual." Opression is systematic and not defined by current affairs.
"But just as a society must have a scapegoat, so hatred must have a symbol" -James Baldwin