u/HADTHEHIGHGROUND

No real framing or subject, also no real editing aside from my cat 😢 I made her look a bit like killer queen with the color grading lol

I thought I would talk on my absue as a trans woman. I am not saying this out of depression or doom. This is not ropefuel. But rather a part of life. And sometimes, it is those who have endured similarly who we find solace in. This board has brought some of that clarity to me. And I hope I can do the same for some of you.

You push it away for years because you think it's influencing your trans identity. You feel fake trans. You tell no one and live in guilt and anger. Your depression grows until you realize this is who you are and you have been denying yourself peace.

Guilt for somehow liking what happened to you, anger that it was the only form of family attention you got as a kid. And you let it happen multiple times. Regret cause it made you deny being trans for so long. The reason you repped.

Then you do your best to better yourself. You were a kid, you didn't know better. You were vulnerable. You transition and feel happier. You do therapy. You report the abuse to the police.

You first meet a detective in the outskirts of town, he pushes you to hurry up. No comforting as you describe what happened. You later go to the department to meet with detectives. They give you a visitors badge with your deadname even though you legally changed your name. Looks of disgust as you walk in.

The police question you. Ask you personal questions that you of course have to answer. You tell them what you remeber. They doubt you. "How do you know you were erect" "people that age can't have orgasms" "that position doesn't make sense, you were a small size." Expect you to remember the smallest details when this happened over a decade ago.

One fat lazy cop sits in the corner prodding at you. Doubting what you know. Pushing you. You feel angry, "oh but victims lie" and what do i gain from lying. My abuser isn't rich. They aren't some big famous person. Your anger for men grows, they are more likely to question a victim than believe them. "But innocent til proven guilty", this isnt a trial. This is a confession. The other at least somewhat shows a sliver of sympathy.

They say you could be lying about it. You mention you have been doing therapy for years. Who willingly takes antidepressants and quits their career for a lie you think to yourself?

They force you to call your abuser and get him to confess on the phone. You tell them that he would already confess. You don't want to because you know this will trigger an episode, you do it anyways. They do not comfort you as you break down on the phone. You cry and your throat tenses up. Your voice becomes more and more masculine as you breakdown. You are angrier than you have ever been. You feel as if you had to do their job.

And the worst part, you ask him why he did it. "Because you were easy."

Through the process of reporting this, you're left disabled. You did the right thing and a burden is off your shoulders, but pain exist when healing. PTSD, but of course that's a soldiers disease and we respect child killers more than trans people. They see you as a victim yet also see you as a disgusting thing. They take their time arresting him. When they do they dont even tell you about your full rights and protections as a victim. You get the restraining order days later in the mail.

You still may testify, you feel more guilty than ever. You take some solace in knowing it's almost over. But what now? You can't do your career cause of your diagnosis. Your unemployed and disabled, but of course "ptsd is not a disability". Your sister who you love even jokes "you're disabled". Your mom still has respect for the rapist.

Your family knew he was a weirdo. But hey, in Mexican culture family is important. Catholicism right? Yet your mom sees you as a disappointment cause your trans. Irony knowing your dad who is the epitome of machismo culture has come to embrace you as trans and not your own mother who has suffered in this culture.

You're brother knew this happened and he didn't say anything about it. Of course he was a kid then too. But he thought it was groping. When he sees the charges, he is shocked "I didn't know he did all that to you" as if groping itself wasn't serious enough.

And so the only people you find solace and happiness in aside from your dear younger sisters are friends. Because they are the only one's to never have hurt you. And you trust them with your whole life. Yet you feel guilty, what if you scare them away. Relationships suffer greatly from this continued abuse.

But life goes on. Despite all this pain you keep on living. And although it is depressing, and although you have contemplated ending it. You feel a sense of clarity. You have met wonderful people. You have been the sibling to a younger sister that you wish you had. You are the nicest person you can, because everyone deserves to have love and acceptance.

But more so. You transitioned. You are openly trans now. You dress beautifully and have started the process of ffs. You are finally living a life that had been denied to you.

And you feel prideful. Because in your own eyes, you are a kind person. And you learn, that sometimes the best you can do is let it out. And keep living day by day, because in all this pain, there has been great beauty along the way.

And to you, being trans isn't about performity or braveness. Much like your victomhood. You are not stunning, brave, or a warrior. You are not some soldier. You are simply a survivor. And it's not something you take pride in. It's just who you are.

Should any of you fellow trans people here have been abused. Don't bottle it in. Don't hide it. Keep living and do what you can. It's hard, some days are harder. But you just being alive and enduring it is the best you can do sometimes. And there is no shame in that.

Take care of yourselves y'all

This is coming from a photographer and somebody who takes portraits of people. Photos can be very misleading. If you feel terrible in one photo, compare yourself to another photo. Then the mirror. In a mirror you are looking at your physical self in motion. You features are not flattened. Lighting is usually also better. You may have noticed in some photos you look better. That is not angle and light frauding. That is a photo that was taken correctly.

Cameras are very misleading. There are many things that make a photo truthful. Lighting, focal lengths, camera quality editing, etc. Photos are a brief snapshot and most of us take photos on our phones which are not great at actually capturing what we look like. Like phone use Ai processing and editing, and have terrible sensors.

If you feel bad, take your phone and record yourself in good lighting. That is what will show you how you generally look like. We often joke about light frauding. But the thing about cameras is that lighting is so important. Lighting is so detrimental to cameras unlike our eyes. Like bad lighting literally sharpens unwanted features or warps features because camera's physically aren't able to capture the correct information.

Like I shoot physical film and digital film i have had pictures of me taken on film where I have literally looked worse than I normally do. There are times where I have looked great on shitty phone cameras. But when I look at the mirror, it is consistent.

A mirror is literally you in pure physical form. So don't kick yourself for one bad photo. Its okay to feel bad that you look bad in a photo, but just know that the mirror is more accurate. And that will hopefully make you feel better.

Taken on my Afga Silette (which had a faulty focus so it was only good for up close photography, fmstl). Expired ultramax for the film stock.

Browning Auto A5 and Smith & Wesson Model 17.

No! A couple of trans people being bad isn't gonna "set us back". We'll be scapegoated regardless of the actions of one of us. Who cares about cringe trans people like Dylan Mulvaney, Sabre, or actual horrible people like the one neo Nazi shooter. We're gonna be blamed regardless so stop getting angry and whining about some cringe trans people on tiktok and blaming them for setting us back.

I mean if you wanna hate on em go ahead. But stop pulling that tirade of "oh nooo optic nukes, were screwed!"

We aren't the only group with optic nukes. Immigrants, black and brown people, etc literally all minorities are victimized. Optic Nukes are moments for the already present ignorance to be "justified".

What I'm saying is that I hate the idea of the "passive transexual". Like be the "assertive transsexual." Opression is systematic and not defined by current affairs.

"But just as a society must have a scapegoat, so hatred must have a symbol" -James Baldwin

Love the halation but god I find it so inconsistent with lighting. I mean it is is intended for tungsten lighting lol.

Been here a couple times, absolutelylove it. Old development center in Sonoma. Haven't shot recently but will be back at it. I liked em even though I metered too much for the sky on the 3rd pic