u/HamletsLover68

TW: sexual abuse (no details)

My (34F) wife (34F) asked me to make this post for her.

She was sexually abused by her mother as a child. Like with many abuse victims, she didn't contextualise what happened as "abuse" until much later. I won't go into details about the abuse she suffered, but a part of it relates to her mother having an adulterous relationship with a convicted paedophile (which she was told about at a young age and was made to keep it a secret from her father for years until it became public knowledge). Her mother is still openly dating that paedophile now.

She also has a younger brother (31M) who, as far as we know, was never a victim of the abuse himself, and doesn't know about it. He is still close to their mother.

Around 10 years ago, my wife finally cut off all contact with her mother. No one, apart from me, knows why she did that, but her brother has occasionally said things that imply he believes the reason is "because our mother is dating a paedophile". While this is of course a valid reason for cutting off your relationship with someone, it is barely 1% of the real issue. If she stopped dating the paedophile, it wouldn't fix any of the problems that caused the no-contact. The real problems are the things the mother herself did.

We got married 3 years ago and didn't invite my wife's mother. There was a minor fallout about this, where my wife's brother tried to convince us to invite her, but we didn't and it was all fine in the end.

This year, my wife's brother is getting married. When he sent out the invites, he told my wife that their mother would be there, but her paedophile boyfriend would not be invited (seemingly presuming that the boyfriend not being there would fix the no-contact issue). My wife said "I'm sorry, but I can't go if she's going to be there." He said "It's very important to me that you both are there." My wife didn't reply to that, as she'd already said what she meant.

A month or so later, my wife's brother contacted her to chase her RSVP for the wedding. She replied "I said before that I can't go if our mother is going. I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell out the reason, but I have a very good reason for not wanting to be in the same room as her. I was hoping you could take on trust that the reason is a good one. I would be happy to take you and [future spouse's name] out for a nice meal to celebrate your wedding, but I can't go to a wedding if our mother is there, I'm sorry."

We thought the subtext of this message was clear, i.e. there is a reason and it is the kind of thing people really don't want to talk about, the implication that that reason was probably CSA seemed natural. The brother didn't reply. We assumed this was because he accepted the reasoning, but was too awkward around that subject to actually say anything comforting or apologetic.

We were wrong. Today is one month until the wedding, and my wife received the following message from her brother:

"I hope you realise that not showing up for my wedding is something you can't take back."

This was really surprising, because we'd assumed that his radio silence over the last two months was born of awkwardness. If he wanted to guilt my wife into going, why wait until now? And why write a message that's so menacing, and seemingly leaves no way for her to say "OK, actually I will come" (which is presumably what he wants to happen). It has the energy of a drunk emotional text, but was sent at 9am, and he isn't the sort of person to drunk text.

My wife eventually replied giving more detail about the abuse she suffered, and crucially characterising it as abuse. She explained that she hadn't wanted to go into details, but she saw there was no choice. He has not replied to that message.

I've found this whole situation really odd, because, swapping it around, if my wife's brother had contacted her before our wedding and said "I can't go if our father is going to be there, I'm sorry, I have a good reason and hope you can trust that it is a good one", our first thought would've been "Oh no, poor [brother's name]", and our second would've been to try to find a way to uninvite the father, so that the victim would not be denied access to an event because of their abuser's attendance. The absolute worst case plausible scenario would have been not being able to uninvite the father, and being really apologetic to the brother about that fact, and totally accepting the reasonableness of his non-attendance.

There is no circumstance under which we would've tried to guilt him into coming by being weirdly threatening and totally refusing to engage with the actual issue at hand.

His behaviour seems utterly inexplicable, and it's left us wondering if there is some subtext to his or our messages that we are not understanding. Any advice, commiseration, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated, thank you 🙏

TW: sexual abuse (no details)

My (34F) wife (34F) asked me to make this post for her. (To be clear, we are both AuDHD, and have both posted in this sub before independently, so hopefully that's ok. This is a community whose views and responses we have previously found helpful and more thoughtful than other subs, which is why I'm posting about it here.)

She was sexually abused by her mother as a child. Like with many abuse victims, she didn't contextualise what happened as "abuse" until much later. I won't go into details about the abuse she suffered, but a part of it relates to her mother having an adulterous relationship with a convicted paedophile (which she was told about at a young age and was made to keep it a secret from her father for years until it became public knowledge). Her mother is still openly dating that paedophile now.

She also has a younger brother (31M) who, as far as we know, was never a victim of the abuse himself, and doesn't know about it. He is still close to their mother.

Around 10 years ago, my wife finally cut off all contact with her mother. No one, apart from me, knows why she did that, but her brother has occasionally said things that imply he believes the reason is "because our mother is dating a paedophile". While this is of course a valid reason for cutting off your relationship with someone, it is barely 1% of the real issue. If she stopped dating the paedophile, it wouldn't fix any of the problems that caused the no-contact. The real problems are the things the mother herself did.

We got married 3 years ago and didn't invite my wife's mother. There was a minor fallout about this, where my wife's brother tried to convince us to invite her, but we didn't and it was all fine in the end.

This year, my wife's brother is getting married. When he sent out the invites, he told my wife that their mother would be there, but her paedophile boyfriend would not be invited (seemingly presuming that the boyfriend not being there would fix the no-contact issue). My wife said "I'm sorry, but I can't go if she's going to be there." He said "It's very important to me that you both are there." My wife didn't reply to that, as she'd already said what she meant.

A month or so later, my wife's brother contacted her to chase her RSVP for the wedding. She replied "I said before that I can't go if our mother is going. I was hoping I wouldn't have to spell out the reason, but I have a very good reason for not wanting to be in the same room as her. I was hoping you could take on trust that the reason is a good one. I would be happy to take you and [future spouse's name] out for a nice meal to celebrate your wedding, but I can't go to a wedding if our mother is there, I'm sorry."

We thought the subtext of this message was clear, i.e. there is a reason and it is the kind of thing people really don't want to talk about, the implication that that reason was probably CSA seemed natural. The brother didn't reply. We assumed this was because he accepted the reasoning, but was too awkward around that subject to actually say anything comforting or apologetic.

We were wrong. Today is one month until the wedding, and my wife received the following message from her brother:

"I hope you realise that not showing up for my wedding is something you can't take back."

This was really surprising, because we'd assumed that his radio silence over the last two months was born of awkwardness. If he wanted to guilt my wife into going, why wait until now? And why write a message that's so menacing, and seemingly leaves no way for her to say "OK, actually I will come" (which is presumably what he wants to happen). It has the energy of a drunk emotional text, but was sent at 9am, and he isn't the sort of person to drunk text.

My wife eventually replied giving more detail about the abuse she suffered, and crucially characterising it as abuse. She explained that she hadn't wanted to go into details, but she saw there was no choice. He has not replied to that message.

I've found this whole situation really odd, because, swapping it around, if my wife's brother had contacted her before our wedding and said "I can't go if our father is going to be there, I'm sorry, I have a good reason and hope you can trust that it is a good one", our first thought would've been "Oh no, poor [brother's name]", and our second would've been to try to find a way to uninvite the father, so that the victim would not be denied access to an event because of their abuser's attendance.

The absolute worst case plausible scenario would have been not being able to uninvite the father, and being really apologetic to the brother about that fact, and totally accepting the reasonableness of his non-attendance.

There is no circumstance under which we would've tried to guilt him into coming by being weirdly threatening and totally refusing to engage with the actual issue at hand.

His behaviour seems utterly inexplicable, and it's left us wondering if there is some subtext to his or our messages that we are not understanding because of gender, autism, or something else. Any advice, commiseration, or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated, thank you 🙏

Shall I compare thee to a man?
I mean, your voice is kinda deep
And - well, not deep, but it's dead-pan
Or something, gosh 😅 I really keep

Just digging myself deeper, don't
I, fuck 😭 I guess I'm trying to say
Your voice is weird and - no - I won't
Say what I mean by that, ok?

I need to think it through a bit.
Like, why your face unsettles me
And - no, don't take that badly! It's
Just honesty. God damn! You see

How hard it is to even speak
When you react like this?! I mean,
I'm trying to be nice, you freak!
Haha jk! I'm just a bean 🥹

You ever read that sonnet in
Which Shakespeare just insults that girl?
It's like, 130, or something.
Well this is that! Satirical!

(Is that what satire is? No clue 🤷)
You know, it's funny, I had planned
To write this as a sonnet too
But then it just got out of hand.

I had to stop and calm you, dude,
So many times 😅 I guess that's just
The hormones: this is womanhood!
Haha! You know the rest of us

Can handle it much better. Crap,
I've gone off-script again lmao 😂
The poem turned into a yap
That's nothing like a sonnet, wow 🤣

The rhyme scheme works, the feet are fine,
The meter's kinda off somehow,
But it's just way too long! We're nine
Damn stanzas in! It's just like how

You're kinda vaguely woman-shaped
With some mistakes just here and there,
But you're just so damn tall! Like, mate,
And, sorry, but your facial hair... 🤭

I'm saying if I entered this
Into a sonnet contest it
Would not be fair, they'd be like "Miss,
Your poem's nice but there's a bit

Of problematic word count gap
Between your entry and the rest."
You get it? Are you gonna clap?
That joke is, like, one of the best

I've ever made about you guys
And women's sports. Oh well, no sense
Of humour I suppose 🙄. Time flies!
It's time to end this, no offence,

But I've got better things to do
Than sit here all day writing reams
Of verse on what I think of you.
I'll have to end it now, it seems,

A rhyming couplet at the end
To sum up everything in two,
And with five feet per line, to lend
A hint of sonnetry. Like you,

This "sonnet"'s got that clocky t-girl swag
(I think of you as just a man in drag 🤪)

There once was a little cis boy who wanted to wear a skirt. He went to his mother and said, "Mother, I am interested is pursuing a more feminine gender presentation, but you must bear in mind that my gender identity is still male." Before he could even finish his sentence, his mother had baked and iced a pink cake, inflated 100 "It's a girl!" balloons, and was crying happy tears over how she was getting the "trans daughter she had always wished for."

Frustrated, the little boy went to his father, and said, "Father, please bear in mind that I remain your cisgendered male son, but I am considering adding some gender non-conformity to my wardrobe." Before he could finish his sentence, his father was wearing a new t-shirt that said "😍 Girl Dad 😍" and insisting on driving his "beautiful trans daughter" to the doctor to get hormones ASAP.

In the doctor's office, the little boy begged the doctor, "Please, I am not trans, not even a little bit, I am just interested in adding a little femininity to my social presentation." But he had hardly finished his sentence when the doctor held aloft a needle containing a dangerously high dose of Estradiol while simultaneously brandishing specialised orchiectomy scissors with the other hand. "You're lucky you got here so fast, Miss," said the doctor, "you were right on the cusp of starting male puberty but it looks like we've just managed to avoid that. Our number one priority is for trans kids to go through the correct puberty concurrently with their peers, rather than delaying or (god forbid) forcing you to go through the wrong puberty altogether!" He fled, running as fast as his little cis boy legs could carry him.

The little boy could barely hold back his tears, but finally sought solace in the one place he thought might understand his plight: the online queer community. He made a post on Reddit about how he had suffered as a little cis boy who only wanted to express a little femininity in his gender presentation, but in this transnormative and effeminomisandrist society, blighted by the terror of comptrans, no one would accept him.

The first comment rolled in.

It was a cruel and unnecessary slur.

A slur that demonstrated how deep the transnormativity of this sick society goes.

The E-slur.

E*g.

He cried. He cried all day and all night. He stopped crying only to upvote any comment saying "trans people are the real bigots", then he cried some more. He cried so much that his body began to shrivel with dehydration. His skin started to flake like Voldemort at the end of the 8th Harry Potter film (his favourite movie). But even in his dehydrated state, he had just enough strength to misgender every trans person who replied to his post. At any time, one of those trans people could've sought him out and given him water (especially since they thought he was a girl and hydration is girl-coded) but in their cruelty they neglected him. And, at last, this innocent little cis boy passed away.

Anyway, that's what I heard. I 100% believe it's true. And even if it isn't, the fact that I believe it could be true is a damning indictment of the trans community. So please bear this in mind next time you go to make one of your sick e*g jokes.

E*g culture kills.

(/uj credit to u/callifawnia for the incredible coining of "Effeminomisandry" 🙏)

Trans woman: I find it so frustrating that no one except transfems seems to understand or care about transmisogyny.

Cis person 1: I'm cis and I understand it! Some of us are good!

Cis person 2: Yeah, me too! Isn't it just when a trans woman experiences misogyny?

Cis person 1: Pretty much, yeah!

Cis person 2: 😎

Trans woman: Hey, could you stop talking for a second so I could maybe expla-

Cis person 1: That makes sense because if women experience misogyny then transwomen experience transmisogyny.

Cis person 2: Nailed it!

Trans woman: Hey if you dipshits could shut up for a second I could explain that transmisogyny is actually experienced on top of regular misogyny, not instead of it.

Cis person 1: Wow, ok, calm down.

Cis person 2: Your anger is kinda scary tbh.

Trans woman: [leaves]

Cis person 1: Guess they couldn't stand to be told no 🤷

Cis person 2: Yeah when you have a privileged childhood like them you're taught that your voice matters more than others'.

Cis person 1: Why are we always talking about trans stuff here anyway?

Cis person 2: Idk, this place is basically a transfem-dominated echo chamber.

My cis woman friend, visiting the house where I live with my cis wife, and commenting on how it's a bit messy: Wow, HamletsLover68, when did you last vacuum the floor lol? I can't believe you haven't put away that book I left on the table when I was last here lmao. [Addressing me specifically] I saw this great TikTok about homemade window-cleaning solution, maybe you should use it, those windows are pretty grimy. No I haven't used it myself, my Dad pays for my windows to be cleaned professionally. No, I don't know why I'm addressing this specifically to you, I just picture you as more domestic, I kind of imagine housework as your domain somehow, I don't know why. But I know that when your house is messy I always assume it's your fault for not keeping it clean haha.

My cis woman friend, 5 minutes later: Ugh, you're so lucky to be AMAB. You don't know what it's like to have the expectations of womanhood on you all the time. Being perceived as and treated as a woman is such a burden. You're so lucky you get to avoid that.

/uj I'm beginning to realise that, as a transfeminine person, womanhood can be assigned to you for the purposes of getting labour out of you, and then revoked to deny you access to solidarity. It can feel like a way to condition you into performing increasingly archaic visions of womanhood while dangling that potential solidarity as a carrot that you will never really be allowed to reach. I'm a woman when they want something from me, and "an AMAB" when they want to remind me to know my place.