Im 16 years old. Recently, me and my mom had a discussion which seemed like to escalate quickly.
It started when I asked my mom to make me some pre-made melon juice, since my legs hurt because of poor blood circulation due to constant anxiety and depression, and because I was reading a book (this isnt an excuse, but still adds to the favor I asked for). She agreed, annoyed judging by her tone, and shouted words I dont remember but which refered to me being lazy. When she came back to my room with the juice on her hand, she told me how I was the same garbage as my dad. I got really stressed when she said that, since the ambience was already tense from hours ago, and I almost hit my head with my phone to relieve the stress, which I know isnt correct, but it's what I did in the moment and only because I was on my climax. She then yelled about how "special" I was, making fun of the recent autism diagnosis I got, which she refered to after saying that. As she left the room I hit a furniture near my bed while also yelling stuff, so she obviously came back to start yell at me again. I think this is the moment she pulled my hair up —which really hurt, and I still feel my nerves sensitive because of it—, then tried to take my phone off my hands violently, but I refused to let it go off by gripping even stronger, and Im sorry, but it helps me with my anxiety and because I was listening to ambient music while reading my book. As I hold onto it, and as I accidentally press my moms hand —which probably hurt her too, but again, Im sorry— she bites my shoulder.
Then, she left, yelling about how I hurt her hand and how stupid I was, comparing me to my abussive dad.
This has happened before when the discussion escalates and I do something dumb then just to piss her off even more, but today I felt like sharing it.
She's somewhat sweet with me when we arent discussing. She spends her lasts bucks (probably) to buy things for me and home, and makes sure to take care of preparing me food. But this contrast is what triggers my fear, or whatever it is.
I try to be a good person, to keep going even if I have depression, constant anxiety, if I have to take 5 pills per day, if I have insomnia, even if I have no energy through the day and I make 3 coffees per day just to keep myself functioning, even if I have ADHD or autism, even if I hurt myself or have suicidal thoughts. But I just dont know how to keep going after this.
I may be in a neglect sub, but after reading this myself, I may be the wrong one. Maybe Im not as grateful as I should be. Im sensitive, Im not a bad person, I care about people and my friends, but sometimes I need help with stuff, and Im sorry, maybe my mom was tired after a long day of doing stuff, she's human too after all, and maybe I ask for too much, maybe I should go do my things on my own even when my feet hurt, because that's what life is.
I just wanna hear your thoughts, I know this isnt terrible or anything but still