Help with boundaries
I’m 45, separated for three years, with two children. My marriage was emotionally abusive, and I’ve been the primary parent since we separated, managing the vast majority of the parenting, finances and day-to-day responsibilities.
One of our children is autistic and has additional emotional and sensory needs. I absolutely adore my children, but parenting can be exhausting, particularly when their dad has relatively little responsibility and seems free to get on with his life.
The complicated part is his parents.
I was incredibly close to them during our marriage. They felt like the family I’d always wanted. His mother knew about the abuse for years. I regularly rang her crying, and she was supportive. But when we separated, she accused me of being reactive and said her son could never do anything right.
Since then, she’s largely avoided me. His father has maintained a relationship with me and does show genuine concern, but things have undoubtedly changed. He has also made it clear that what happened in the marriage was between me and his son.
And I think that’s part of what I’m struggling with. I’m angry that my ex seems to have faced so little accountability for how he behaved. He broke a door in front of our kids and was incredibly emotionally abusive. He also at least emotionally cheated. His family know what I went through, yet it feels like everything has been brushed under the carpet. He gets to carry on with his life, while I’m left dealing with the emotional fallout and the practical reality of raising our children largely alone.
I’ve tried very hard to keep everything amicable, particularly for the children. I’ve continued attending family occasions, including a traditional pre-Christmas dinner we’ve always had together.
But this year I don’t think I can do it.
I suspect my ex has met someone, and although I absolutely don’t want him back, it’s brought up a lot of complicated feelings. I’m angry that he has the freedom to build a new relationship while I’m still carrying so much of the responsibility. And, if I’m honest, it hurts that he may be choosing someone else when I spent years feeling like I wasn’t properly chosen or valued in our marriage.
I still love his parents, but I no longer feel the same sense of belonging. I’m beginning to question why I keep putting myself in situations that leave me feeling hurt, just to maintain the appearance that everything is fine.
I’ve always been someone who tries to maintain relationships, have difficult conversations and make things work. But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve confused being the bigger person with constantly putting my own feelings aside.
I don’t want to damage the children’s relationship with their grandparents or create unnecessary conflict. I just don’t know if I can keep pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t.
Would it be unreasonable to step back from these family traditions and establish some boundaries of my own?
Has anyone else navigated this, particularly after an abusive relationship? How do you make peace with the lack of accountability and maintain boundaries without feeling guilty?