What sleep training method do I try? I'm desperate, please help.
My son is 9.5 months old and has been a terrible sleeper since birth. He's got a few health issues which contributed to this but now I think he's developed some strong sleep associations.
Some background:
* 9.5 months old
* Cosleeps (on my chest, can only transfer him next to me in bed when he's in deep sleep). We have a sidecar crib attached to our bed, no option to move him out to another room.
* Breastfed but does not feed to sleep at bedtime
* Falls asleep by being rocked/bounced and held close
* I usually have to wait until he's in a deep sleep before transferring him
* If he wakes, sometimes nursing helps, otherwise I have to rock him again
* He has CMPA/multiple food allergies and eczema
* He is currently teething (4 teeth erupting at once)
We have been co-sleeping since he was around 3 months old. He had really bad reflux and wouldn't go down in the crib at all. After the 4-month sleep regression, I attempted the Ferber method at around 5.5 months but it was a disaster. He screamed, was so distressed, and pooped himself every night. He would eventually fall asleep out of exhaustion but then wake after one sleep cycle and repeat. I stopped because I felt like I was stressing him out and didn't want to continue making him so upset. Also, there was no improvement after each night so I felt like, what's the point.
Even though we co-sleep now, sleep is still very difficult. At bedtime (usually 7:30-8pm), he does not feed to sleep. He falls asleep being rocked/bounced and held close. I usually have to wait until he is in a deep sleep before I can transfer him to the bed (crib he wakes up immediately). He nearly always wakes, sometimes nursing works, but usually I have to rock him again. He notices if I move position slightly.
The biggest issue is that he seems unable to connect sleep cycles. He wakes after almost every sleep cycle, even when I'm right there. Until about 11pm he wakes repeatedly even if I'm holding him. After that he might do one 2-3 hour stretch, then continues waking throughout the night until morning. He usually wakes for the day around 7:30am.
What confuses me is that even when co-sleeping and being held, he still struggles. He's constantly fidgeting, moving around, readjusting and seeming unable to get comfortable. Even during contact naps he often stirs after one sleep cycle and needs help getting back to sleep. Sometimes I see him try to resettle himself, but he can't quite manage it and then escalates into crying.
I have tried a gradual withdrawal/fading approach and have managed to get him to fall asleep in his crib awake. However, when he wakes after a sleep cycle and I try the same method, he becomes more upset each time. The crying escalates and eventually I end up rocking him again.
I also tried the pick-up-put-down method but again, he would just start screaming as he gets more and more tired.
His typical wake windows are roughly 2/3/3.5 sometimes 2/3.5/4 and he usually has 2 naps a day. I guess because his night time sleep is so bad, he needs a nap soon after waking so I can't extend the first wake window.
He also seems to have major separation anxiety at night, but not really during the day. During the day he's happy to play and explore. He's not particularly bothered about where I am unless he's hungry, tired or upset.
At night it's completely different. If I move slightly in bed, he can start crying. If I try to go to the toilet or leave the room, he will often wake and scream until I come back and hold him. For a long time it felt like he needed constant physical contact with me to stay asleep.
However, in the last week or so there has been a small improvement. My husband has been able to take him off me while he's asleep and walk around with him, and sometimes my son will settle back down on him instead of immediately needing me. This has given me a bit of a break.
Sorry for the long message but any help, please? Do I try Ferber again or even extinction? I'm just worried about him pooping himself because he's stressed or scared.
I'm so exhausted. I'm losing patience with him and feel like a terrible parent. I find myself getting frustrated during the day over things like scratching from eczema or not eating enough, even though I know it's not his fault. I feel like I'm going crazy and there's no end in sight.
At this point I genuinely don't know whether:
* he has a sleep association problem
* he has a temperament that makes sleep transitions difficult
* discomfort from eczema/allergies is playing a role or whether I'm missing something entirely.
I would really appreciate any advice because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.