u/HeadJury208

So basically, I'm confused whether I'm pansexual or aroace, and yeah, that might sound weird because one sexuality wants everyone and the other wants no one—but hear me out. At first I thought I was aroace because the moment someone shows interest in me, I genuinely get disgusted to my core like please leave me the FUCK alone. Furthermore, I feel sexual arousal but I had no desire to actually have sex and the thought of doing that stuff was just so ewuh, especially with a man. But then I figured out the reason I was so opposed to having sex is because I'm a dominant top and the role of being submissive is usually forced onto women or fem-aligned people. Anyways, I am sexually and romantically attracted to people of all genders but only when they're fictional or just celebrities (simply, unattainable people.) And even if I do have a crush on someone irl, I don't wanna be in a relationship and do all the corny couple stuff. So genuinely, what the fuck am I?

I do know that INTPs are usually stereotyped as people who don't like to lead or take on the role of the leader but in my case, I enjoy leading others and having that sense of superiority. I simply cannot follow orders or rules and feel the need to make my own.

To be clear, I'm not a natural leader and find it difficult to take on that role due to my withdrawn nature. Furthermore, I do not enjoy leading a huge group of people as that can be quite overwhelming but I still like having control or, being the one who calls the shots—as some may say.

Anyways, I feel like this is quite the paradox because I don't enjoy leading but at the same time, I DO enjoy leading. Can anyone make sense of this?

Edit: I think this might be the case because I've grown up as the eldest daughter and had no choice but to lead my younger sibling and cousins (Since I'm the oldest of my cousins, aswell.) So, since I've been pushed into a leading role from a young age, that's what I prefer.

So, recently, I realised that my tritype is 584 but, people say that this type is extremely rare and almost always a mistype. I want to be as accurate as possible to myself, so do ask questions that may help you confirm whether this is truly my enneagram type.

Furthermore, I'd like to add that I've done a fair amount of research on this topic so keep that in mind while delivering your opinions on this matter.