u/Hebrews922

I brought up wanting to be called Azrael to my grandma once in the past but she dismissed it as "No one will call you that" so instead I went with Jackson instead. Jackson is very close to my birth name and I use it everywhere; at work, at school, friends, family. However, when it comes to how I'd like to actually be called, I'd prefer Azrael. The problem is, I am too embarrassed to actually voice this to anyone IRL based on what my grandma said; plus "Azrael" holds religious connotations as well which my family is against.

Is Azrael really a bad name? Should I stick with Jackson? I have been using both, but it feels divided.

I know, I can't change how I am referred to right now; but maybe someday I can.

I feel on the fence about who I am. I am Genderfluid, but prefer to be seen as a man despite being born a female. I love men- which in my case would make me a Homosexual.

I am open to the LGBTQ+ community despite my new found Christian beliefs. I just don't know how to feel or present myself with that fear of those around me. I have not gotten involved in a church yet, but I am afraid to in the fact they may not accept me due to the fact I present myself as a man instead of a woman. I dress masculine and I do not like feminine clothing. The church I wish to get involved with beliefs in those wearing the clothes that aligns with their sex at birth.

The preacher who I follow, unfortunately passed away in 2021; spoke positively about Homosexuality and the LGBTQ+; in fact the church itself is respectful towards all people, even those that may oppose their beliefs.

I am all in all reluctant to reach out to said church to show my interest due to who I am and who I identify as being. Even in my personal life my gender identity is not always respected as such at work I may be referred to in feminine ways or called the right things but still get called a woman. Perhaps it is all I will be. But I don't want to be.

I want faith and to find God but I don't want to have to change who I am in regards to my gender identity and sexual orientation, because that is who I am amd how I have felt for many years now since I was around 13/14. I am willing to suffer as a result if it is in the means that I can feel and be a man.

I need advice.

I am realizing I am becoming too attached to my friend/Crush at work. Just today I had to work in a different room as him and almost broke down; mentally. I hate being away from him; I get anxious when I see him talk to other people who aren't me; I just want to always see him, always be in the same general area as him at work.

At home; I am okay, I don't feel anxious or upset about being away from him. It is just at work; just knowing hes there, I want to be there with him or else it breaks me.

I am always anxious and stressed as well about getting done before him so I can wait and walk with him after work; something me and him do.

I realize this is all becoming a big problem. I am too attached and dependent on him. I don't want to get over him though because I love him more than anything. I just want to be in a position where I can feel okay being away from him to know I will see him another day. When I don't see him it sometimes feels like the end of the world.