Why do i end up feeling used and not cherished?
Hi everyone. I am 23f. All throughout my life,i hv only been desired and not loved. Couple of seniors,juniors,classmates has asked me out and later that turned out to be something sexual so i rejected them all. This has been all throughout school,college. Its like i am always the centre of attention but noone wants to love me.,for eg-i dont hv a shoulder to cry on amd say my problems,i dont hv someone to hug,i want someone to provide me a treat for a day,or give me gifts,or even cuddle without any sexual favours.
Last to last yr,i was with someone ‘without labels’ (i was immature then ofc..that i accepted without hving a label)..this guy never provided with me anything..nothing emotionally,financially. It was just as if he was draining all my resources bt i stayed coz i was alone in a new city for the first time and thought he ‘loved’ me or somewhat had a soft corner!
See whenever i go out for a food outing or hangout ,i pay for everything ..since my parents say never give the power control of money to anyone since when u hv the access to it. They believe,ppl will go around and badmouth like ‘free ka khake chali gyi’ and what not. So coming back to this guy,this guy never ever paid for anything. It was always me who did. Once he did,and all he gave me was a treat of a cold coffee where i was offering him full fledged meals all the time even when he used to come out of sudden in the restaurant. By this i mean he was frm my college,i used to hangout alone in restaurant and jmost of the times he used to come to the restaurant too and used to sit beside me . Out of courtesy i had to offer him,and whenever the bill came,he used to sort of go outside to make the call. So naturally i had to pay the bill coz the waiter would be waiting and staring,and that was embarrassing. One day i made him enter the restaurant along with some other frnds of mine.. bt i never did, and he got so mad that he didnt carry money and blh blah. Mind u,he is super rich.!He did spend money on his frnds and not me.
Once i was discussing this with my mom,and she said ,if a man cant even provide u with a proper one day meal ,how can he sustain the relationship. I am kinda confused and conflicted here,as bcz i wanna be that indepenedent girl bt i too want to be treated at times,..and not with a ‘miser’.
I was also discussing this with my frnd,and she was like her bf provides her with anything and everything..whatever she wants as gifts,her bf also provides that. And this hasnt been just the case with my frnd. All my classmates and other frnds, proudly say their bfs handle everything and even i saw with my own eyes. These girls never ever do anything except on bdays. I mean doing the bare min yet their bfs are like ‘pyar mei pagal’. Also my frnd made this problematic statement that ‘i am giving him se*,thats enough and thats how all relationships survive’. I mean its controversial ofc bt its the fact even. All these girls are just hving se* and these bfs giving them the best of things.
Tldr:;
I'm 23F and feel like men only desire me physically, not emotionally. In my only situationship, I gave far more than I received, especially financially and emotionally. Seeing friends whose partners happily spoil and care for them makes me wonder if it's wrong to want a partner who occasionally treats, supports, and cherishes me while still valuing my independence.