u/Historical-Berry8162

Im in the UK and would love myself a lil project car just to tinker with on the side whenever I got some spare cash. I don't have much money really but I think it's enough. What do I need to actually just start out and get going

I honestly don’t know where to start but I have to share this somewhere so out into the void it goes. I’ll start by introducing myself. I’m 18, from the uk, working as a full time chef. Food is my passion. Currently not feeling so passionate about it but i’m not too concerned about that, work has just been super busy. its 4 days a week, all day, and rn im doing longer hours than others. Also because its all day, i only actually have 3 days in a week. Its not like i can do stuff before and after work. I live with my dad, going to move soon and im staying living with him so i can save a bit more (paying rent ofcourse). Currently working towards driving  and i think that’ll help a lot. Will give me the freedom i feel so desperate for rn. I have a girlfriend, which is probably where lots of the problems lie. been with her for 3 years now. About 3 months ago i broke up with her, then a month later got back with her and made it up to her. I broke up with her for reasons that i guess dont really make sense, and i realised that afterwards. Shes so so so so so nice, like the sweetest gentlest human ever. And im not. And i suppose i was getting in my own head about that. If i think nice things about someone i dont really say it. I just let my actions show it, and my actions are always good. I swear a lot, i get angry easily, i’m pretty much the polar opposite of her. And i just want to be able to not hate myself, but i cant do that when shes not happy with me acting like me. I genuinely cant just change who i am, this is just what im like and i’ve probably made myself sound worse than i am here to be honest. Im always polite, honest, and kind to people who are kind to me. And she has been expressing some dislike for me being the way i am. And she says i cant blame her for being paranoid about me acting not very nice because i left her once. But i can’t undo that. Aswell as this, i’ve never told anyone this ever, but im addicted to porn. Hate to admit that, its disgusting i actually hate it and im very much against it. But thats the truth. Im pretty socially awkward, im shy and dont really have a filter or glamorise any words. If someone asks me how i am, i dont tend to bulk it up for conversation, ill just respond with how i am cos thats just where my brain goes.  I feel like im constantly trying not to hate myself, but anything i do day to day makes me hate myself. This is also more venting but i have multiple physical issues which the shit doctors in this country keep ignoring me about, one of which makes work much more painful. The weirdest thing though, is that work is a lot of the time where im happiest. Its fast paced, fun, we have a great laugh, and adrenaline inducing.. it feels like i can just lock in and do that one thing im good at, with people i actually understand (we are all sweary, angry, but fun and kind outsiders ig).  About my girlfriend. Again im just thinking we dont really fit together at all. We dont share much in common at all, dont have much to talk about, we think in totally different ways, and its starting to feel abrasive, and i think it has been ever since the “getting to know eachother” phase ended. I almost feel like i made a mistake by getting back with her, but i cant just keep messing her around when i dont even know my own thoughts and feelings well. Not even close to well enough to take any action I don’t even know what response or help anyone can give me here, I just gotta vent ig.