u/Historical_End_5150

That gut punching shameful blood dripping from pelvis feeling whenever my mother's affair comes home whom I have gone VVLC with. The only thing preventing from NC is the physical body. I don't talk with him or Have any facial expression. But why is my heart beat pounding faster than going 50 on a treadmill. It hurts. It does. I'm not sure with the career path I want, I'll ever be able to go NC with him or any family members.

Soon I want to go NC with all the other family members. It hurts. It doessss(not the NO CONTACT part but the actual bodily feeling)

TL;DR: how to avoid the leg shaking heart attack inducing nerve wrecking feeling when he comes to my house(my biological parents house).

I know selfish of me but I as a (M19) feeling adult enough to leave everyone(in my family and relative's) and just never want to see their faces EVER AGAIN.

Context/Rant Abt. Everyone:

My biological mother- all she is my BIOLOGICAL mother. That's all. No other Role(?) mother's are supposed to play. She had an affair with what I like to call NON-ORIGNAL(that other man). Shes had this man ever since and before I was even born. She is emotionally trapped and heavily manipulated by that man. She can't even think of herself as in her small life decisions.

THE OTHER MAN: this is gonna get soooooooooo long if I even tried to explain this man but basically he is what I would like to call textbook defination of the "manipulator","cheater","wolf in sheeps clothing but the fact is he isn't even hiding. When I called him a manipulator and said he is controlling my life to an extent where I'm not even being given option for wearing clothes that I want, he just smiled.NO LITERALLY. CREEPY SMILEDDDDDDDDD..

My Biological Father: he was in army. Ever since he retired(3years ago) things just been going DOWNHILL. and when I say downhill i have reached the Mariana Trench. He is severely alcoholic.

My Sister: she has also been manipulated by "the other man". I would share everything with her and we would be sad but from the last 2 years she's just been fighting with me for not obeying the family rules (which aren't even family rules; it just "THE OTHER MAN RULES).

I will be leaving All my relatives cuz if I start talking about each and everyone(long list): we might have to make a book lmao.

The kid who would win debates in 6th grade is now struggling and murmuring to say a "hi".

The child whose fave colour was pink is now black.

The teen who couldn't confront has written a book and several poems.

All the misery and pain in my vein; will have to bleed out. I can't LIVE THIS WAYYY.

I need a way out.

I can't live a traditional life. I have to get away. I don't have multiple reasons. Fuck it I DO. But when he tried confronting me once, my mouth shut, i couldn't speak.

I don't have a job yet, fuck I'm not even in college. Will have to study hard this year to get into college next year. And I HOPE-its way way way way far away from them. And then just NCCCCCCCC.

I know selfish, I know rude, I know "how could I" but maybe I'm just evil. Maybe I'm the trouble maker.

I can't leave my parents until next year April if I fail in boards this year (result out may). I can't get in college this year if I fail in boards....I'm sad I fucked up real baddd....

Anyways, FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE NOOOOOOOO CONTACTT with their parents and relatives; pls tell me am I right? Any regrets? How's life now?

Soooooo where do I even start . I NEVER was religious since the day I was born probably. I was born into Sikhism. That means I had long hairs and would have to wear turban most of the time. I hate all religions equally. 2 years ago, when I decided to cut my hairs... My mother's affair took me to the saloon and then I basically got a haircut-not impulsive but it was very disregarded and I was told by my mother she doesn't like me... This doesn't affect me at all cuz I also don't like anyone in my family. My mother is basically having an affair and my father is heavily alcoholic yet they can recite each verse that talks about truth,fidelity and emotional intelligence. Wow HYPOCRISY. Moreover, there's a proverb in my language that they use ALOT of time which basically means being arrogant, ignorant, and moreover angry about God. They throw that proverb ALOT of times... It's like they are trying to taunt me and IM SICK. they think I'm arrogant and mischief and black sheep of this family.i want to leave them and yeah like basically wanting to go no contact with them once I'm financially free.

I feel like the argument of morals, evil existence and pain suffering on earth COMPLETELY proves the NOT EXISTENCE OF GOD(s). Yep. No going back. And moreover, the newer discovery(whatteva) of the SOURCE(?)/ yin and yang kinda god just proves the dumbies will really come up with anything to be in control of something so big and powerful at any given point of life. I have stopped debating god. Moreover it is not safe in a country I live too.

For me, it's the need of control in my life. I NEED TO CONTROL EVERY SINGLE STEP OF MY LIFE. period. And yes, these are my childhood issues cuz I grew up with like two father's(?) one legal and one illegitimate. And I was never given a choice even for basic stuff like my clothes and all let alone any big decisions. I'm last year of being a teen. I'll be turning legal soon. Can't wait to get out. Get a job. And then LEAVE THEM.(evil laugh).

Thanks for my rant.. I kinda know some answers to how my future career trajectory, marriage,relationships, children or not to be. I have them figured out.

But I have these questions,

1. Do ever get called arrogant or just angry or even satanic cuz of your ideology and how do u deal with it?

2. Any way to explain my parents- like I know they are religious just because of societal reasoning and don't actually beleive in it.?

3. What about partners(friends and romantic relationships). Is it something to be concerned about. I know I'm not going to befreinds with extreme religious ppl but still to other normies, how much is religious ideology important?

I'm not debating anything. I am atheist. Just want some answers from my fellow atheists...

I,[M19].. am attracted to the masculinity of men and femininity of women. That means, when I'm in a relationship with a women- I like to be dominant and display basically all the masculine traits.. but when I'm with a man-i like to be submissive and love n adore all the masculine traits of him/them. It's confusing cuz I look(physically) like a man and there's no submissive features or anything on me. I know I'm bisexual but it's weird and ig there's no term for it.

I'm sorry if u couldn't understand me, english isn't my first language.

TL,DR: basically a dominant manly man with women and a submissive bottom to manly men.