u/Horror-Evening-6132

Reading through various subs, I keep coming to the conclusion that a lot of people are trying to find mates that have the same interests as they do themselves, then wondering why that person isn't appealing in that chemical, 'south pull' kind of way. They want to date themselves. Let me flesh that out for you a little.

This man is interested in hunting, he works on his own vehicles and does his own home maintenance. He likes outdoorsy things, live music in casual settings, walking through park-like expanses of green and structured plantings. He likes to relax at the end of the day and watch the sun go to sleep.

This woman likes dancing and nice dinners, likes her pottery class, likes going to romcom movies, likes playing board games and group games like charades, Trivial Pursuit and so forth.

Incompatibility makes itself known pretty quickly when those two try to make a go of it in dating on any sort of regular basis. She doesn't do any of the things he likes, he doesn't do any of the things she likes and both get frustrated because they don't mesh in their interests.

He wants a woman who knows how to handle a shotgun, knows which tool to hand him while his head is under the hood of a car. He wants the woman to enjoy peaceful pursuits that don't necessitate interacting with groups of people when they two are together.

She wants a man who enjoys squiring her about, who likes crafting something out of nothing, enjoys seeing romcom movies in a setting that relies heavily on the reactions of strangers and likes activities that involve other people than just the two of them.

The problem arises when they see what it is they are asking for is not something that is going to be enjoyable in the long term and will begin to chafe even in the short term.

He wants a woman who knows her way around a firearm, can change heads on a Buick, enjoys hours in outdoor settings and quiet evenings spent in comfortable silences; he wants to date himself in a female format.

She wants a man who enjoys public displays like dancing, likes doing artistic things that are not specifically practical, likes being around and interacting with groups of people, even strangers, when they two are together. She wants to date herself in a male format.

This is why no one can find the companionship that they mentally describe as suitable. The likelihood of finding this unicorn is quite low for both of these people. Sharing interests is great, but unlikely when those interests are so very far apart. Each ends up thinking the other person is just not trying, when the issue is that trying to be someone else FOR someone else is going to do nothing other than waste everyone's time.

Instead of looking for that mythical person that shares all of your interests, consider that the variety brought to a relationship by exploring other interests is, for many people, the glue that holds a relationship together.

She should not expect or be expected to work on a car when it is completely outside her experience and personal interest. He should not expect or be expected to enjoy movies that are completely outside his experience and personal interest.

Instead of trying to rubber stamp your interests onto another person, try exploring things that neither of you have done in the past. You can find common ground, but only if you stop seeing your personal interests as territory to be held and stop seeing new things as an invasion. If managed correctly, those new things can expand your territory, giving you some common ground to share instead of each asking the other to give up territory.

I love to cook, my guy doesn't like it at all and sees it as an unpleasant chore. I see it as a relaxing activity, a puzzle to be correctly assembled within a particular timeframe and made visually appealing at the same time. So I cook and he stays close to hand and helps where I need or permit, rather than going chin down in his phone while I'm enjoying myself. He makes it pleasant for both of us by holding a conversation with me and coming up behind me with a little hug after he brings me something I asked for. He stays engaged in the activity in order to find the parts of it that are fun for him, too. I have a deep and abiding lack of interest in YT in pretty much every way, but it's fun for me to be close to him while he finds videos for us to watch and I appreciate his excitement for showing me things that he likes and I understand why he enjoys them, even if I'm not nearly so invested. It's one person opening up to another to display facets that are not visible on the surface. It shows a desire to trust, too.

I'm not interested in spending time with a clone of myself. The man doesn't have to share my interests to a one, any more than I will share all of his. I already have me, so don't need a spare. People should spend time with a person with the idea of expanding their own horizons in the process, rather than trying to cajole the other into abbreviating theirs in order to walk beside you.

I'm going to try to post this and hope it speaks to others. This is a direct quote of the original post, followed by me taking a metaphorical punch in the hoo-ha and my response to same.

To the guy who held the door for me and then followed me a few steps before stopping on the sidewalk and calling out "I'm not trying to be weird, I just, uh, think I'm parked next to you.  You go ahead!" and then waited for me to drive off,  

Sir, may you only encounter green lights.  May pizza never burn the roof of your mouth.  May you awaken every day with a restored spirit. 
Absolute king behavior (followed by applause emoji)

(Edit: couldn't make the 'container' disappear, so apologies for the need to scroll sideways)

Here's what happened next:

4h ago

You have encountered that rare, unicorn-like creature that we colloquially refer to as a "gentleman". It's rare to see one out in the wild. It usually has the effect of making your day better and giving you a spark of hope for the human race. I'm happy that you had the experience! 🫠😁(This got some upvotes)

1h ago

-- Signed, woman on multiple psych meds. (This got two downvotes)

Horror-Evening-6132

1h ago

Oddly, no meds of any kind for me. Aside from that pesky cancer thing, I am a disgustingly healthy individual. (This got two upvotes)

Reply

1h ago

Ma'am idk if you missed the memo, but we believe in equality these days. Behavior as shown above makes men second class citizens. (This got a downvote by someone; I didn't vote at all)

Horror-Evening-6132

21m ago

I probably did miss that memo. Maybe because I wasn't looking for it. I've always assumed that doing little things for other people was courtesy and just being a good human. I open doors for people regardless of gender and it's usually the men who say "thank you". About half the women do and the other half not; they look at me like I just asked them to give me a PAP smear. I always figured they were just having a bad day, not that I had made some huge societal faux pas by opening a door.

By my lights, a man being courteous is not something I look askance at. I just don't feel threatened by civility or courtesy. It's not like he put a hand on her ass when he held the door for her.

============

So, what does everyone else think? Is holding a door and keeping a respectful distance now considered some sort of threatening, nefarious introduction to abduction?

Okay, I haven't said anything in the sub about this previously, as I wasn't immediately sure it would be more than a one time event.
 
Have had some months of texting and phone calls with a man; he isn’t local by any stretch, but not so far away as to require plane tickets; Texas is pretty big, but easily drive-able.  I felt comfortable with him, so when he asked me to come visit him, I was willing and I did so. Couple of times, so far.

He is a gentleman, opens doors for me, pulls my chair to seat me at a restaurant or even in his own kitchen.  He gives awesome hugs. I feel easy in his company and that’s rare to the point of being a singular experience, so I'm intrigued. He always has plans for things for us to do together, but leaves those plans open ended, allowing for change without notice.  That's great, because it means there's no pressure to get somewhere by this exact time or even go there at all if we decide last minute to do something else instead. 

He accepts and indulges my quirks and idiosyncrasies almost as though he is entertained and amused by them, rather than finding me off-putting because of them.  He doesn't seem to have any noticeable quirks of his own.  I'm an excellent judge of a person when I'm in their presence and so far, none of my alarms are going off and he seems to genuinely enjoy my company. He's pretty much the only man to take notice of me in all the years I've been alone following the death of my husband. 

As stated, he doesn't live nearby, so there's the driving involved when our schedules line up to allow us a few days together here and there.  I drive a few hours for a pleasant few days, then a few hours back home.  I stay at his house when we meet; a separate bedroom with its own bathroom.  I tend to fill a space with my energy; he says that the house feels emptier when I leave to go back home and that he starts to miss me as soon as I’ve gone. 

To be fair, it would be nearly impossible to entertain him in my home, which I share with my adult daughter. There’s no place for either of us to hare off to in order to provide suitable privacy for the other.  There aren't enough bedrooms for him to have his own here and it just seems as though it would be uncomfortable for everyone; I'm weirdly old fashioned in some ways still, so it feels inappropriate. 
All that said, he doesn’t seem terribly interested in visiting my part of the world because of those issues.  I understand that, but since I've spent my entire life waiting for another shoe to drop (and it most generally does), I'm wondering if I’m missing/ignoring something or just overthinking it.  For me, a few hours behind the wheel isn't a price too high to pay to spend time together.  
So, am I completely insane, or are there still some parts missing?

This is a post that somehow got deleted; not sure how. It was just starting to have fun when it disappeared, so I'm posting it again, just in case anyone missed out on adding to it!

Posted to Reddit 06/10/2026 noonish.

Reading so many posts, all in very similar vein, has made me conclude that for most people on OLD, dating is the same as shopping on Amazon.  
SO many sellers offering the item you want, so now it’s time to start filtering the results.  
Okay, that one’s used; I prefer new.  
That one has a rough spot; I prefer entirely perfect in every way, that nothing impede my belief that I’m perfect and deserve the same from this item I’m considering. 
That one’s the wrong shape, or color, or size; I prefer the physical manifestation of my fantasy.  
That one won’t arrive for two weeks; I want it within 24 hours. 
That seller doesn’t accept returns; what am I supposed to do with it once I’ve used it all up? I want to get my money back so I can order another new one. 

For those ‘buyers’, I hope they get what they want instead of what they deserve.  If they got what they deserved, they’d receive an ‘item’ that was very different in reality from the description in the listing.  For some, it might be just what they needed, but they’ll never know it because they are too set on wailing about their disappointment. 
I could be (or am) everything a right man could want.  I’m in great physical condition, my body is younger than my years.  My face is not.  I’m intelligent, I’m funny and I have the right skills to be a very good companion or partner for a right man.  
What is a “right man”, you ask?  
A man who is self aware, meaning he knows time is limited now, so it behooves him to factor that into a decision making process.  A man who knows to not look for perfect, because he can’t deliver perfect in recompense.  A man with a sense of play and fun, who can be entertained by little things he and his woman do together, from elegant to mundane.  A man who is going to have my back, same as I will have his.  A man who understands that I am a complete, evolved, self sustaining human being, not a commodity to be wantonly disposed of when his attention wanders, and his affection with it.  
This is why I don’t shop on Amazon. 

Reading so many posts with a woman's perspective, all in very similar vein, has made me conclude that for most people on OLD, dating is the same as shopping on Amazon.  
SO many sellers offering the item you want, so now it’s time to start filtering the results.  
Okay, that one’s used; I prefer new.  
That one has a rough spot; I prefer entirely perfect in every way, that nothing impede my belief that I’m perfect and deserve the same from this item I’m considering. 
That one’s the wrong shape, or color, or size; I prefer the physical manifestation of my fantasy.  
That one won’t arrive for two weeks; I want it within 24 hours. 
That seller doesn’t accept returns; what am I supposed to do with it once I’ve used it all up? I want to get my money back so I can order another new one. 

For those ‘buyers’, I hope they get what they want instead of what they deserve.  If they got what they deserved, they’d receive an ‘item’ that was very different in reality from the description in the listing.  For some, it might be just what they need, but they’ll never know it because they are too set on wailing about their disappointment. 
I could be (or am) everything a right man could want.  I’m in great physical condition, my body is younger than my years.  My face is not.  I’m intelligent, I’m funny and I have the right skills to be a very good companion or partner for a right man.  
What is a “right man”, you ask?  
A man who is self aware, meaning he knows time is limited now, so it behooves him to factor that into a decision making process.  A man who knows to not look for perfect, because he can’t deliver perfect in response.  A man with a sense of play and fun, who can be entertained by little things he and his woman do together, from elegant to mundane.  A man who is going to have my back, same as I will have his.  A man who understands that I am a complete, evolved, self sustaining human being, not a commodity to be wantonly disposed of when his attention wanders, and his affection with it.  
This is why I don’t shop on Amazon.