Are we trying to date ourselves??
Reading through various subs, I keep coming to the conclusion that a lot of people are trying to find mates that have the same interests as they do themselves, then wondering why that person isn't appealing in that chemical, 'south pull' kind of way. They want to date themselves. Let me flesh that out for you a little.
This man is interested in hunting, he works on his own vehicles and does his own home maintenance. He likes outdoorsy things, live music in casual settings, walking through park-like expanses of green and structured plantings. He likes to relax at the end of the day and watch the sun go to sleep.
This woman likes dancing and nice dinners, likes her pottery class, likes going to romcom movies, likes playing board games and group games like charades, Trivial Pursuit and so forth.
Incompatibility makes itself known pretty quickly when those two try to make a go of it in dating on any sort of regular basis. She doesn't do any of the things he likes, he doesn't do any of the things she likes and both get frustrated because they don't mesh in their interests.
He wants a woman who knows how to handle a shotgun, knows which tool to hand him while his head is under the hood of a car. He wants the woman to enjoy peaceful pursuits that don't necessitate interacting with groups of people when they two are together.
She wants a man who enjoys squiring her about, who likes crafting something out of nothing, enjoys seeing romcom movies in a setting that relies heavily on the reactions of strangers and likes activities that involve other people than just the two of them.
The problem arises when they see what it is they are asking for is not something that is going to be enjoyable in the long term and will begin to chafe even in the short term.
He wants a woman who knows her way around a firearm, can change heads on a Buick, enjoys hours in outdoor settings and quiet evenings spent in comfortable silences; he wants to date himself in a female format.
She wants a man who enjoys public displays like dancing, likes doing artistic things that are not specifically practical, likes being around and interacting with groups of people, even strangers, when they two are together. She wants to date herself in a male format.
This is why no one can find the companionship that they mentally describe as suitable. The likelihood of finding this unicorn is quite low for both of these people. Sharing interests is great, but unlikely when those interests are so very far apart. Each ends up thinking the other person is just not trying, when the issue is that trying to be someone else FOR someone else is going to do nothing other than waste everyone's time.
Instead of looking for that mythical person that shares all of your interests, consider that the variety brought to a relationship by exploring other interests is, for many people, the glue that holds a relationship together.
She should not expect or be expected to work on a car when it is completely outside her experience and personal interest. He should not expect or be expected to enjoy movies that are completely outside his experience and personal interest.
Instead of trying to rubber stamp your interests onto another person, try exploring things that neither of you have done in the past. You can find common ground, but only if you stop seeing your personal interests as territory to be held and stop seeing new things as an invasion. If managed correctly, those new things can expand your territory, giving you some common ground to share instead of each asking the other to give up territory.
I love to cook, my guy doesn't like it at all and sees it as an unpleasant chore. I see it as a relaxing activity, a puzzle to be correctly assembled within a particular timeframe and made visually appealing at the same time. So I cook and he stays close to hand and helps where I need or permit, rather than going chin down in his phone while I'm enjoying myself. He makes it pleasant for both of us by holding a conversation with me and coming up behind me with a little hug after he brings me something I asked for. He stays engaged in the activity in order to find the parts of it that are fun for him, too. I have a deep and abiding lack of interest in YT in pretty much every way, but it's fun for me to be close to him while he finds videos for us to watch and I appreciate his excitement for showing me things that he likes and I understand why he enjoys them, even if I'm not nearly so invested. It's one person opening up to another to display facets that are not visible on the surface. It shows a desire to trust, too.
I'm not interested in spending time with a clone of myself. The man doesn't have to share my interests to a one, any more than I will share all of his. I already have me, so don't need a spare. People should spend time with a person with the idea of expanding their own horizons in the process, rather than trying to cajole the other into abbreviating theirs in order to walk beside you.