I don’t know how to survive without him
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just need someone to listen.
My relationship ended yesterday morning, and I feel completely shattered. I feel like my soul is being torn apart.
I’m 20 years old, he’s 27. We were together for a year and a half. Last Christmas he proposed to me.
In February, after our engagement, he broke up with me. He told me he had fallen out of love with me and that he couldn’t force himself to feel something he no longer felt. He said everything about me irritated him, even the way I ate.
I had to pack up my life and move back to the small town where I lived before. I left behind the life I had built in Budapest. He drove me home.
For about a week after the breakup, he still called me every day and spoke as if there was still hope. Then, about a week and a half later, he told me he had met someone else. He blocked me everywhere and immediately moved in with the new girl.
In May, I noticed that he had unblocked me. We started talking again and eventually became close again. For a month we spent time together, I stayed with him for a week, and we made plans for the future.
Then during one of our visits, he went through my phone. He found out that during the 2-3 months when we were broken up, I had talked to some men on Messenger. I never met any of them in person. They were just short conversations online.
He was furious because I hadn’t told him about it. To me, those conversations felt completely insignificant. We weren’t together at the time, and he was literally living with another woman. As soon as we started talking again, I stopped talking to anyone else.
When he found those messages, he became violent. He hurt me, grabbed me by the throat, and slapped me. He told me I would never see him again and called me horrible names.
Eventually he calmed down and things continued as if nothing had happened.
I know many people will ask why I stayed. The truth is that I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone.
Over the past month, I genuinely believed things were getting better. We talked every day, FaceTimed for hours, and made plans together.
Yesterday was my father’s birthday. He wished my father a happy birthday, and we even talked about him coming to visit me in two days. We spent hours talking and joking together. When we said goodnight, he told me, “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
About thirty minutes later, everything changed.
He told me he had thought everything through and that there was no point in having anything between us. He said he would never truly be able to trust me and that certain things would always bother him. He couldn’t get past the fact that I had talked to other men while we were broken up. He didn’t even believe me when I said I had never met any of them.
I felt horrible. I felt guilty. I kept asking myself why I had even spoken to other people when I knew I loved him.
But the truth is that I never thought he would come back into my life.
I wrote him long messages telling him how much I loved him and that I would do anything for him. I begged him to call me so we could talk. He responded with laughing emojis, mocked my messages, and answered sarcastically.
Then he told me that this was the last time we would ever speak. He said he would never call me. After that, he blocked me everywhere. Literally everywhere.
I even tried contacting him from my father’s phone, but he blocked him too, despite the fact that they had spoken only a few hours earlier and had always gotten along well.
What hurts the most is that the trust issues were connected to things that happened while we were not together. I often feel like no matter how hard I tried to show him that I had changed, that I loved him, and that I was serious, he had already decided that he would never trust me again.
At the same time, I accepted so much from him. I accepted that he left me, moved on quickly, and lived with someone else. Yet it feels like my mistakes were never forgivable.
I’m not asking whether you think he’ll come back. I know he won’t.
What I want to know is this:
For those of you who have gone through something similar, how did you survive the first days?
How did the pain eventually become less unbearable?
Does there really come a day when they’re no longer the first and last thought in your mind?
Will I ever be able to love someone else?
Will I ever be able to fall in love again?
I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I live in a very small town, and I feel incredibly alone.
I would genuinely love to talk to people who have been through something similar. Right now, I think I need friends more than anything.