u/Hot-Craft4583

Howdy! I'm currently 17, I already signed in for college, which starts in august, but I was thinking

What if I waited a year to save money for paying the loan, and perhaps I could get experience

I would no nothing else than work, and once I got to college I wouldn't be so worried about money, and I could focus completely on school, and since I've always been younger than my classmates, a year would actually make me be the same age as them

What the title says

Wanting to do so many things that you don't know where to start, you think you can learn anything by yourself, but you end up getting paralyzed cus out of all of the things you wanna do, and you can't even decide which one to do first, or where to start

And even if you have time, you just don't feel motivated enough to start

And you know that only if you were a little more disciplined, you could do anything, or even if you got just a little motivation, but you feel like shit cus you know there's not a physical impediment to do it

You just can't get out of bed, you feel horrible for spending all day bedrotting

Yet won't get up

How tf do you get through that?

I don't even know if it's related to ADHD, I guess it's more sort of a secondary effect

I've been masking my feelings for so long I don't even think I feel anything anymore

Don't know how else to say it

I used to be too sensitive and feel too much, but one day, it just sort of stopped

Like it would be so bad i wouldn't be able to be left alone for five minutes with my thoughts, without my phone, music or any sort of distraction before I started to bawl my eyes out because of how I feel about myself and my life in general

But as said, one day I just sort of stopped caring, but it didn't only affect negative emotions, but positive ones too

I feel like I'm just getting through the day without really getting to experience an emotion

At the beginning I just had to pretend that I was happy and nothing was wrong with me

But bad crap kept happening

And bad thoughts kept accumulating in my head

But now there just was no way of letting them out

I feel like an impostor, or someone with a fake mask all the time

And I get jealous of the people that get to be actually happy, or even feel something, and I just wonder why or when I stopped being like them

I can't remember the last time I cried for having an actual bad day, like the days that a normal person would cry even a little, I wouldn't

It feels like this type of mental fog or numbness, and my mind just shuts down

I recently crashed out once our of nowhere

It was like the stupidest thing ever, but it was my last straw

Emotions that had been accumulated for months and for that moment, I was able to cry

Never felt so relieved

But after that, never again

I'm sorry if this is not the right place to post it, I just wanna know if someone else has ever felt something like this and may know if this is related to ADHD, or something more like depression, idk

Whenever I send a message at my group of friends, for some strange reason nobody else replies until someone else sends a message

But what I said stays unreplied

I thought it was because what I said wasn't replayable

So I sent messages that could be replied

Didn't work either

Same at face to face interactions

Whenever I say something I feel like it's out of place or it just doesn't make sense, even if it did in my head

My friends have told me several times that sometimes my jokes or comments don't make sense at all

And I think it's because i think of whatever they're talking about in a really complex way, or the joke only makes sense trough my specific reasoning, and maybe if they could think the way I think, they'd laugh, and that's why my jokes are so bad for them

Idk

I feel so embarrassed every time I do that

I'm not good at all at small talking either

I've noticed that when it's only me and another friend, we tend to talk about deep conversations more than when it's me and more than one friend, and when that happens, I don't really know how to contribute, plus I've lost all my confidence cus no one ends up laughin to what I say, so I just stay there listening to everything and wishing I could say normal jokes

I had never really done anything cus I didn't wanted anybody to notice

I just found a way of not making it unnoticeable

Cutting your fingers with a cuter on the fingerprint part

I've been doing it for a while, maybe a week

But I'm scared I'll get used to it and I'll start doing it more and more till it's not enough and I'll end up doing worse and worse

I don't know if it's and appropriate thing to say in here, I'm just looking for some advice on how to stop

I got diagnosed a few months ago at the age of seventeen

I tried telling my mom when I was 14 that I felt like something was wrong with me, she just laughed it of by saying I wanted attention, humillating me in front of my family, saying that I was just lazy

I got to scared too ask for help again, up until last year where it got so bad even she asked me what was wrong

But now, after all these years and all the process of learning more and more about myself, I feel like wasted potential

All my teenage years feeling like shit for not being able to do anything good, and now that I know why, I feel that if I would've got diagnosed earlier, I could've done so much

Sometimes I feel and act so stupid, like people must really think I'm dumb

And it'll be so bad sometimes I just wish there was a tumor in my head that could justify why I can't understand nor remember things, and instead of feeling dumb, I would have a valid excuse to my stupidity, but ik there's no such thing, and that I'm just damaged

Has anyone else gone though something similar?

Ik I'm actually smart and capable of doing tings, i just gotta figure out how, and why even though i know this, is so hard to get on track, like wdym i even pospose things that i like and no one else is making me do? I´m just tired of bed rotting, but whenever I try more than that, i remember why I get so frustrated and end up doing nothing at all. I just wish i could be like any other person