u/Hot-Opposite-1174

So I’m 28weeks pregnant with my baby boy after losing my daughter July last year at almost 40 weeks

Most of the pregnancy I’ve been okay, just a little nervous. Since I’ve been feeling movements it’s been going downhill.

He started off very active when I first started feeling him around 17 weeks to the point where scans took longer because he wouldn’t stay still.

Now I’m at the point where I need to monitor the movements, I have an anterior placenta and I’m told sometimes he may get into positions that I won’t notice as much.

I’ve been to triage once because he wasn’t responding to any encouragement to move and I honestly thought he had died. He was fine but I wasn’t. Last time I was in triage for no movement it’s because my first baby had died.

Now I’m constantly worried he’s not moving as much and it’s a battle in my head of (I’m overreacting) and (what if he is in trouble and I don’t act)

To top it off, today I convinced myself that my bump is getting smaller

I am going to speak to the midwife tomorrow about arranging my scans and midwife checkups for every two weeks and alternating until I get induced.

I don’t like that keeping an eye on baby is my sole responsibility and if I miss something then I’ll feel like I’ve failed

People keep telling me to have faith that it will be okay. But faith and fear are both believing something you can’t see. And when your worst fear has already happened it’s harder to believe it won’t happen again

Sorry to be a downer, it’s hard to talk to people about this because they don’t understand

I hope everyone is okay and I’m proud of anyone who goes through pregnancy after loss because it’s so hard

It’s been 10 months since I lost my daughter unexpectedly at 39+4

I don’t find myself being weird around people having babies normally especially when I’m not close to them. Two people in the company have recently had little girls and I am very happy for them.

Announcements like that are usually uploaded to our companies intranet with a picture

One thing that stung a little was the fact that one of the babies birth weight was exactly the same as my daughter’s at 6.11oz
I don’t feel like I want to tell anyone about it because nobody would understand

If my daughter was alive, mentioning that my colleagues baby was the same weight as mine would be a normal thing to say but because she died it feels weird

I don’t know if there was any point to this post I just felt like I needed to tell someone

So I have anxiety (obvs) and most of it can be traced back to an unsafe and unpredictable childhood.

A few years ago I started getting palpitations randomly and my anxiety skyrocketed. Was then diagnosed with wolf-Parkinson’s-white which is a heart defect that causes palpitations and I’m on a waiting list to have an ablation. I have given up caffeine because of this diagnosis

I then got pregnant and my symptoms stopped and I was the most chilled out I’d ever been for 9 months.

Sadly our baby was stillborn at full term due to a small placenta that couldn’t keep up

I’m almost 10 months out from my loss and I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant and my anxiety has come back with a vengeance

I can’t be medicated for it currently and I can’t afford therapy, I have some support from a bereavement midwife who gives me tips on anxiety but it’s hard when those closest to me just tell me to be positive when I’m freaking out and I’m fully aware that stress can be harmful to babies but I have no way of controlling it!

I know my anxieties are valid as they are mostly based on actual things that have happened

But does anyone have any tips for managing unmediated or whilst pregnant? Painting and showering are my only relief currently but not useful all the time