u/Hot-Personality-9759

We’re a group of about 10 people, all around 40 years old. The thing is: I’m only actually close to 3 of them (plus my boyfriend). The others are mostly childhood friends of my friends, and honestly I barely know some of them on a personal level. I’ve never had deep conversations with them or spent time one-on-one with them.

Over the years, a tradition formed where every single birthday is celebrated with all 10 people together, and we always do group gifts.

In theory that sounds nice. In reality, it has become exhausting.

Almost every month there’s a new WhatsApp group, long discussions about gift ideas, people disagreeing about what to buy, then someone has to actually go buy everything, organize it, wrap it, etc.

What frustrates me is:

nobody actually seems enthusiastic about choosing gifts,

we somehow always buy multiple small/medium gifts instead of one meaningful one, and we have to contribute around $25,

and in practice only 2 or 3 people do all the work.

I’m usually one of those people, even when the birthday person is someone I barely know. I end up trying to guess their hobbies and tastes almost blindly.

Meanwhile, some people barely participate at all (including my boyfriend). His opinion is basically: “I never wanted this tradition in the first place, so I just don’t engage.” Last year he even refused to celebrate his own birthday because he didn’t want to keep encouraging the cycle.

I think he may be right, but I struggle to “just ignore it.” I feel guilty if I don’t help.

Yesterday I went shopping for gifts with another person from the group, and neither of us had any idea what the birthday person even likes. I liked a Disney candle, but I don't know if she's a Disney person. I loved a T-shirt but I don't know if she ever wears that colour.

Meanwhile, the people who have known her their whole lives contributed nothing to the discussion and didn't come with us.

At this point I don’t even think anyone truly enjoys this tradition anymore. It just continues because nobody wants to be the one to stop it.

I’m considering saying that I also don’t want to celebrate my birthday this year. My thinking is that it feels less selfish to opt out of my own celebration/gifts than to refuse to participate in someone else’s.

Would that be the healthiest way to slowly break the cycle? Or is there a better way to handle this without hurting people?