I can’t tell if I’m holding onto resentment or finally seeing this friendship clearly
This is a long story so sorry in advance, but I’d really appreciate an outside perspective because I feel like I’m only now processing a friendship dynamic that hurt me much more than I realised at the time.
I’ve been in a friendship group of 4 girls for over 10 years. One of the girls, who I considered my closest friend (I’ll call her B), fell out with me around 6–7 years ago shortly after I got married.
At the time, B was going through a difficult period with her health and family. She had surgery, and I genuinely tried hard to support her. I checked in regularly, called often, visited her twice with flowers after her surgery, and tried to make space for what she was going through.
But over time I noticed her becoming more distant. Not openly hostile, just colder and more withdrawn. She stopped replying properly to texts, rarely answered calls, avoided meeting me one-on-one, and showed very little interest in my life anymore. Most of the time I only saw her in group settings.
I tried not to jump to conclusions because I knew she was struggling, but after months of this I started feeling confused and hurt. What made it worse was that the other girls in the friendship group also became more awkward and distant with me. No one said anything directly, but I felt like I was slowly being isolated from the group while also being told “nothing was wrong.” Looking back, it honestly made me feel a bit gaslit.
After about 8 months, one of the girls finally told me that B felt I had “changed” after getting married, that I talked about my husband all the time, and that I made her feel bad about her age because I would joke about myself feeling old and that if I think I am old, I must think she is really old (she is literally one year older than me, it made no sense)
The whole thing really shocked me because:
- I barely saw or spoke to her during that year anyway.
- I genuinely don’t think I talked about my husband excessively at all.
- It all felt strangely petty
I asked the mutual friend if she agreed with B’s view, and she basically said she didn’t think I talked about my husband that much, but that B was “valid to feel that way.” That response honestly confused me more. Another girl in the group privately admitted she thought B was insecure and jealous because she was single at the time, but nobody actually challenged her behaviour or stood up for me.
It felt like everyone knew the situation was unfair but silently sided with her anyway because they were closer to her.
I asked B directly if we could talk because I genuinely wanted to resolve things. She said she would call me, but she never did. After a while I stopped chasing because I felt humiliated and angry that I was the only one trying.
Another 6 months passed before she finally reached out through the mutual friend and asked to meet.
By that point I had spent over a year feeling lonely, isolated, embarrassed, and honestly questioning myself constantly.
When we finally met, it was in a very public place. I asked her why she treated me that way and she just burst into tears and kept saying “I’m sorry” and “I missed you.” I think because I was lonely at the time, emotionally exhausted, and uncomfortable with her crying in public, I forgave her very quickly and we moved on.
Fast forward to now: she recently got married, and I was genuinely happy for her. I supported her throughout her engagement and wedding and I truly do feel relieved that she found someone she loves.
But seeing her now constantly talk about her husband in our group chat has brought up a lot of unresolved feelings for me. Not because I begrudge her happiness, but because it has forced me to reflect on how unfairly I was treated for supposedly doing exactly the same thing.
What’s also difficult is that with hindsight, I’m starting to realise there were a lot of subtle moments throughout the friendship where she put me down or humiliated me in ways I brushed off at the time.
For example, when I told her I was pregnant she asked to see my bump. When I showed her, she laughed and said “that’s such an ugly bump” and walked away laughing. At the time I laughed it off because I genuinely didn’t want to believe she was trying to hurt me, but now I keep replaying moments where I felt made smaller around her.
I think becoming a mother has changed my perspective a lot. I had a difficult postpartum experience and I feel like surviving that gave me a quiet confidence. I feel less emotionally dependent on friendships now and less afraid of being alone. I don’t necessarily have more friends, but I feel less willing to tolerate relationships that don’t feel emotionally safe or reciprocal.
Now I’m looking back at the friendship group more clearly and questioning whether these friendships were ever as supportive or genuine as I believed they were.
Part of me wonders if I’m just holding onto old resentment and rewriting history unfairly. But another part of me feels like I’m only now emotionally stable enough to properly process how hurtful this all actually was. I would like to know others opinions and if I am blowing this out of proportion or not.