im 20f. I have 2 loving, stable, supportive, absolutely amazing parents, who'd do anything for me, have done everything for me... they're just amazing humans & parents.
I was like the only one in my family born very messed up. I got issues, alright? Mental health issues, real bad addiction issues. for some reason I've carried a PROFOUND fear, for as long as I can remember, of my parents knowing/seeing the REAL me, in all my brokenness. outside of my family I've largely been an open book in my life, literally got a tattoo at 18 of a quote abt the importance and beauty of vulnerability... had friends who i let see the real me.
COMPLETE OPPOSITE w parents, & i dont think it's fair to say they did anything to put this fear in me. im just like tapped tbh so who knows. i believe i was born w wires crossed idfk. maybe its cuz i always sensed something was wrong with me that wasn't wrong w them, i had this black cloud over my spirit they never seemed to have, and so I took that as they would not accept or understand the problems i have. idek.
my struggles w addiction have been such a large part of our family life that they've of course inevitably seen some sh!t. lol i mean 6 yrs of shuffling in and out of rehabs and being a damn drug addict, 3 of those yrs being while i still lived w them, means ya, they know some stuff. but they barely know anything tbh, well i actually dont know what they know, abt the actual drugs ive done or stuff ive gone thru or like anything, cuz we do not and have never spoken about it directly w each other. anything they know, apart from the very surface level factual things, (for ex. the simple fact i've attended many rehabs), they found out elsewhere, or deduced on their own i suppose.
i even made it blatantly clear for yrs that they werent allowed to bring up my problems w me. i was such an a**hole teen, legit telling them that "I have a network of recovery supports who I talk to abt this particular stuff and you are NOT to try and be that for me..." while, yes, thats true that i built my own relationships w ppl i was comfortable being honest with, who were mostly also mentally ill or in recovery or whatever, i still dk why ive legit been virtually incapable of articulating any in-depth or genuinely honest thought to my loving mom (and dad). i literally for yrs couldnt think of anything scarier than a therapist trying to force family sessions on me, or my mom "having the nerve" to ask me a tough question mid convo. i'd freeze or lie or get mean. i needed them to be as removed as possible from the facet of my life that is my darkness/sickness/insanity. like we can talk about what to add to the grocery list and what our plans are for the weekend. but if anything uttered has anything to do w my drug use depression etc, no, just no, we dont talk abt that, u guys cant possibly understand. NOTHING in relation to my drug use & mental health issues have they EVER found out from me directly. my mom has tracked down ppl in my support circles over the yrs, ik that, when she was desperate to know SOME update abt me... or rehab case manager would place mandatory phone call alerting her of my presence in treatment, stuff like that. never ever from me tho. from me they get lies and sugarcoated sparkly sounding tidbits abt my life. they get forced sounding laughs over the phone. they get nothing real from me, ive never given them that.
it's all they want.
I'm going through a very very bad, dark chapter rn, have been for about 4 months now, and parents live 5 hrs away so they've barely seen me to find out anything. Unless my rapid speech over facetimes have given it away, they very well may be under the impression im still sober. i mean im not very slick and even over the phone i sound unwell so idfk what they think. nothings been said tho so idk...
my mom said once years back, during a fight over me lying abt something, that ALL she wants is my honesty. not perfect behavior, not some gleaming thriving perfect daughter, but just a little bit of honesty from me. and lately i've become aware of this sneaking sense in my gut, for the 1st time ever, that i need my mom. i want to have a real honest conversation with my mother. i was so wrong for starving her of her daughter over these years, and after EVERYTHING my fam's gone thru cuz of me, to then still liemaskliemaskliemaskdenydenyliemask feels so unfair to them idk.. my mom WANTS to help, unlike many parents who dont even gaf, yet i have refused her desperate attempts to help me. i feel i owe it to her, the truth i mean, after all i've put her through... i have never felt like this... the many phone numbers i have of ppl i know from various recovery spaces have always been my go-to when i need help. rn all i want is my mom.
i feel like some inner child in me or something, who i've repressed, is just reaching for the guidance and support and care rn of the one person who through ALL the madness has always truly loved me just the same... like one of my fav lyrics from a Paper Kites song says, "when you think about your mother, could you say that any other loved you that long?" i know for me, no. my mother's love has remained as steady and fierce as it was when i was 2 years old and hadn't yet done anything to bring her pain. nearly every other bridge i've severed at this point. i want my mom's love. i want to call her and lay everything out on the table, the truth of how suicidal i am and how bad my drug use is rn, the truth of how tortured i've been by these demons over the yrs & how exhausted i am of the vicious relapse/recovery cycle, just everything i have never ever said out loud to her, cuz im kinda admitting defeat rn like i am REALLYYYYY not doing well. and i just want her to know the truth so she can be my mom and help me like she's always freaking WANTED.
how though? how do i get the words out of my mouth? how do i get the courage? i'm a writer. i considered writing it out but idk. i know myself in verbal communication, and i'll stammer, start saying irrelevant stuff, convince myself that nvm she doesnt have to hear all this, etc, once i start the conversation. i dont wanna do that. i cant afford to do that rn cuz im like actively dying of drug addiction lol im ngl like i needed help yesterday. how do i get over my fear and tell my mom the truth of my life, of me, of what i'm actually going through ...