u/IDontBelong_8

I had someone I would talk to about it, and I truly only started when this person was there. I did some 'testing' of it before them but nonetheless. I would send this person photos and everything. It felt special. But I was struggling with a lot of stress as well.

After not talking to this person anymore, I kind of stopped. Not immediately, but I have been clean for about 7 months now.

Now I don't know if it's because I am just scared of sepsis and so on, or if it's truly because I don't have this person to show it to anymore.

And that honestly feels desperate. I do want to start again, but somehow I can't get myself to. I tried finding someone in these problematic discord servers but they are disgusting there. This person was kind and caring about it.

I don't know.

I, for no reason at all stopped 7-8 months ago. It's just been the 'planning' it but never actually doing it.

I'm a germophobe and need to have everything as sterile as possible, so a couple of months ago I ordered a ton of new things because I only had one. I was scared of getting sepsis.

And during that time I had nothing, I had such a strong urge for it like I never have before. But I couldn't do anything just something else that is not the same.

Well, I stopped because of my fear of getting sepsis and never being home alone. I don't have a lock on my door.

Either way, I don't know the purpose of this post.

I'm just unsure as to why I just cannot bring myself to start eventhough I want to.

When I'm going to school, I lay in bed at night and it is all good. No anxiety, except the typical school anxiety.

When I'm on break, no stress at all, nothing, I lay in bed at night, seeing stuff. Not vividly but my eyes are just forming silhouettes or grotesque creatures that watch me. Maybe even touch me but I don't feel it. It's not hallucinating, it's more like having a vivid imagery in my mind that it barely projects into my actual view.

Additionally I hear occasional random cracking sounds, which make me more anxious. I'm not a good sleeper, so maybe that's playing with me. But I get even less sleep when I'm going to school, but then I don't think about whatever that is, or at least I don't have it.

For example, I don't know how I felt 1 hour ago. Or a day ago. If someone would ask me how I felt in a certain situation, I would not know.

It feels like my inner self is seperated from my body and my body just acts, that's how I remember my feelings. But I know I laugh and mean it, but when I think about it it seems like it was hollow.

Does anyone know why this is? Is it normal?

Been depressed for about 8 years and I don't even know if I truly am depressed anymore, so I am confused. I never got any help. I sometimes feel low, but my lowest point was last year, it was the worst year of my life so far. I can't tell if I am numb, normal, or in a happy state.

Actually, I can't even distinguish my own emotions anymore. I don't know how to explain it. I laugh, smile, cry, get irritated, etc. but somehow it feels like I don't actually feel it. Like it is hollow inside but my body is reacting naturally. But it's not numb, I know what numb feels like. It is weird. Or maybe I just forgot what feelings feel like and it is exactly how I described.

No, but the only sensation I actually feel inside is anxiety whenever I get it.

I don't know, I'm lost. If someone could explain this in a biological way that would be amazing, but any answer helps me.

When you think of self harm, like visually cutting yourself or whatever, and your at a place you're not able to do it. So you think "I will do it later when I'm home" but then when you're home you don't want to anymore.

This kept me clean for 7 months without even wanting to. Well, part of it was being scared of sepsis. Then my sister was home the entire time and I don't have a lock on my door. Then this and that and actually doing it turned to merely thinking about doing it later, but then not being in the mood for it anymore.

Today I thought about it again and it satisfied me so much as if I was actually doing it. But it's not the same.

So what is this holding back thing? And why?

My cat is not eating, I have to force feed her but I can't I am so tired but somehow I'm not either. Whenever I have to force feed her, like get up to do it, I feel this weird feeling in my body. Like I don't want to get up at all and then I get annoyed.

It makes me feel guilty because she is not a burden to me and it is crucial that I force feed her. But saying it is depression feels like an excuse.

I keep focusing on how others feel, what they think about me, how they see me, how I look like to them.

It makes my whole body so tense and uncomfortable.

Another thing is I keep thinking some guys think I have a crush on them when I don't and that they are like "ew she likes me?...she should get a hint." Or if they mention another girl that they think I will get jealous, and that they think my facial expression is sad or jealous or something.

I do not crush on these guys. I couldn't care less. I believe if I didn't think about thinking that the guy believes I like him, that I wouldn't feel like I look disappointed when they mention another girl.

That's why I want to stop. I hate living like my life isn't mine anymore.

I'm in Bavaria, my mom wanted to go hiking, I still have 1 day left of hiking, but I am so scared of ticks. 0,1-5% of ticks here carry FSME. I am a hypochondriac and it is BAD. I can feel it crawling everywhere. I checked my body, but what if a tick is on my hair/scalp? I wasn't walking in tall grass, but I was in the woods.

I am not vaccinated, I don't have repellent..nothing. I'm just so scared of getting one. But this anxiety is kind of ruining the vacation. My sister said being anxious ruins everything, and it is true. But I just cannot help it.