Aversion to Eye Contact
Any one else in the same boat? I received a formal diagnosis for ADHD about 6 months ago and I was wondering if anyone has overcome their aversion to eye contact. I am in my mid 20s now and have had an aversion to eye contact as long as I can remember.
Eye contact feels intimate, it feels as if I am looking into someone's soul. It feels as if I am overloaded with information when I make eye contact lasting more than 1 second with another person. It feels as if they can see into me. When others make eye contact and they are pleased with my presence, it's emotionally overwhelming and I become fidgety and uncomfortable. I've experienced this with every friend, family, and previous partners. In combination with having OCD, at times I will have intrusive thoughts that say things like "They can see how weird you are" "They want to fuck you" "They despise you."
The only thing that lessens this effect briefly is alcohol in excess but the effect is short lived; lasting maybe 15-45 minutes and followed by crippling anxiety. I sadly rarely find myself fully comfortable in the presence of others for an extended duration. I find myself mask around others and feel like a fragmented being with multiple personas, all acting depending on the situation to avoid social consequence. I switch into the different masks as effortlessly as breathing.
I am really writing this because I yearn to be understood and heard. I feel alone and it saddens me to feel this way. Who else experiences this?