u/I_am_Kirumi_Tojo

Vivo num ambiente que me estressa.
O que eu consigo mencionar de cabeça: vivem mais 2 adultos e 3 gatos (possivelmente vai ter um CACHORRO??) aqui em casa, e como ninguém limpa nada (no máximo roupa e louça 1 vez por semana), meio que se for pra casa ser organizada eu teria que fazer tudo. Mas eu mal consigo dar conta do básico e já nem tento mais, se até quando tinham moças sendo pagas pra vir limpar elas se estressavam e não conseguiam dar conta, eu não vou conseguir. Não tem estrutura, o que é meio deprimente (mesmo sendo um problema pequeno pra mim) quando eu vejo que a maioria das pessoas da minha idade que conheço tem ao menos um pouco mais de presença familiar do que eu. A presença da minha irmã menor 4/5 vezes por semana delega o meu sono por ao menos 40 minutos além do horário que eu deveria dormir por conta dos gritos e choros, e isso me só me motiva a faltar quando eu já mal tenho motivação para ir para a escola. A condição mental e financeira do meu pai anda se degradando o que vem piorando a negligência dele.
Quero sair daqui faz muito tempo, mas nenhum dos meus conhecidos pode me abrigar. O meu desejo era arranjar um trabalho e ir morar sozinha. Tenho 16 anos, então se conseguir me emancipar isso não é fora de jogo. Cuido de mim mesma em praticamente tudo (meu pai apenas banca e assina/marca o que eu não posso assinar), e não consigo me imaginar "perdendo" a adolescência quando ser autista e forçada a crescer me deslocou dessa experiência faz anos.
O que me faz hesitar é que eu não tenho energia para estudar e trabalhar ao mesmo tempo. Se eu fizer isso, vou entrar em colapso. Se eu não completar o ensino médio, eu não sou contratada em quase nada. Tenho algumas habilidades que posso desenvolver, mas nada que vá me ajudar tanto. Mesmo que eu sinta que vá morrer muito jovem independentemente do que eu faça, não quero ficar sem fundos aos 18. E outra, eu não tenho dinheiro guardado atualmente, o máximo que tenho são alguns itens pela casa que posso vender para guardar uma grana até conseguir um trabalho.
Mas se eu ficar em casa para completar o ensino médio, não fica tão melhor que isso. O estresse que sinto atualmente vai me atingir do mesmo jeito, é muito possível que eu acabe em declínio físico e mental da mesma maneira. Eu vi o que aconteceu com a minha irmã. Ela tem terapia, medicamentos, não precisa pagar aluguel ou alimentação, mas mesmo assim quer morrer, tem uma depressão funcional de longa duração com os declínios cognitivos da psicose que sofre. Meu pai tem atitudes muito destrutivas quando alguém próximo tem dificuldades. Xinga, humilha, pressiona, enlouquece, mas poucas vezes faz mais que apaziguar uma emergência. Eu morro de medo de me afundar num estado assim e ter que lidar com meu pai de tão perto. Além disso, o que caralhos eu faço se algo acontecer e ele for preso ou for internado se eu continuar dependendo dele? Vou pro abrigo?
Parece que independentemente do que eu faça eu vou me fuder. Não sou tão forte mentalmente quanto parece, só quero um escape do stress. Talvez eu seja muito dramática, mas ninguém ao meu redor aprova o ambiente que eu vivo. Mas parece que o único escape é morrer. Vou falar com meu vô mas é muito improvável que algo vá mudar. Já falei com a escola e outros familiares e nada decisivo aconteceu. Por que que eu tenho 16 anos porra

I clicked on a quora post about money-making to see the answers and I noticed the 2nd response was a picture of someone's poop. Thought it was a weird response to someone else's unrelated post, scrolled past it. Then I saw another picture of poop, I got a little weirded out. By the 4th time, I started noticing a pattern, especially because the 4th post, or may I say I finally noticed they were ADS, had like 20 pictures of people's poop. At that point I had no idea what was going on and decided to click on not interested and the poop "ads" that were showing every 2 posts disappeared. Did something similar happen to one of y'all? What on earth propped the quora algorithm to pull that on me? 🥲

My home is killing me. I wish it was in a more dramatic way than just rotting to death, obviously, but I just can't stand to wake up and know that nothing changed.
I live in my room because I was never taught to express myself, go places, explore, try to keep any sort of relationships despite my disabilities. Instead, I was just discouraged, so I have no one and nowhere to go. Everywhere I go and every event I attend I just feel lost and out of place and so overwhelmed.
I don't have any discipline. Severe binge eating that makes me unable to save up a single penny, can't stand to clean anything around the house unless told to (with the added factor I absolutely don't want to clean anything to keep this miserable place resembling something that it's not, and I hate the people that live here), frequent school absences, stopped doing any school work at ALL (but school just feels pointless at this point, I wish I could just work instead), can barely engage in hobbies, can't start anything new...
My dad is an unstable bitch that destroyed my sister's life and will destroy mine. He lives like I do, mostly on his room, trying to engage in some minimal interests, and he loves love LOOOOOOOVES to ignore his problems. He loves to ignore his family while he boasts how lovely it is to have daughters. He loves the convenience of having neglected us into avoiding relying on him like the plague while he berates us for doing just that. And I think he just feels comfortable seeing me in the same situation as him because it's familiar, even if it makes me break down want to kill myself every 3 months.
But why would he know that? He's so unstable that any mention of mental health is already a huge alarm, and he'll either berate, scream, mock or suffocate. There's no listening with him, ofc because I was shouted into selective mutism, and then shouted for having it.
We got no routine, no structure, no anything. Every time he tries it's just watching a tragic show, because he'll forget about his attempt in 3 days max. Maybe his massive failure at any signs of parenting when our grandma stopped being available all the time to parent us makes me feel DISGUSTED when he tries to be a little present. I want to scream every time he asks me where I am, every time he remembers I exist and comes to my room say good morning or some boring shit or god forbid think he's entitled to have physical contact with me after teaching me I'm going to be a certain failure and die with no help because I will never let myself deserve it.
I hate having to tell him anything because he might just use it as ammunition against me if his crazy ass girlfriend triggers his even more abusive ass into taking it out on me. I'm afraid he'll just start trying to control me like he does with my schizophrenic sister. She used to be very similar to me, and they're treating me very similar to her, and I'm going crazy from the compounding stress and my special needs that make it hard and a long process to get help and get any sort of benefits from any sort of therapies. My sister is suicidal, doesn't have any hobbies, sleeps half the day, is severely obese (+ gets shamed by my dad for it), can't clean or cook (I kid u not my dad BANNED HER from using the stove cuz she burned some beans??) but she's considered functional for showing up to work and doing some basic self care, so people are already less inclined to offering her empathetic help. Dude. Is it so irrational to be afraid of staying here when this could happen to me too?
I won't ever ask him for help outside of asking for money. First of all, he's afraid of confronting his mistakes and the possibility of being a bad person. But second and most importantly, he'll just beg me to teach him how to parent me. Please. What? HOW do I do that. I don't know how to parent me. I don't know how to help me. I never got any help that actually did something. I always just got abandoned anyway. How will I know that? So like what's the point if the responsibility will just fall all on me again.

This stresses me so bad. I hate it. I've been corrupted into a selfish, terrible, undisciplined bitch because of this neglect. And to add I can't ever predict when I can encounter autism triggers in my OWN HOME. Sometimes I can't sleep because of the noise but I can't shut my door or my fucking cats either scratch on the door making MORE noise or piss on the floor the day after.
I might be silly for not wanting to wait until I'm 18 to leave without any actual problems, everyone would say it's just a year and a half, that it passes so quickly. My sister became psychotic at 17. She has brain damage to this day, and my dad now tries to control her with the stupidest things (as not even letting her have a hobby to avoid euphoria). I just like... want to be able to function when I leave. I want to have a minimal drive to live and a minimal perception of being able to change and some perspective of the future when I get out of home. I feel like this is being rotten away from me every day.
Autism can be very destructive if you're just in constant stress and dissociation, and therapy won't exactly solve this issue, especially if I don't very soon find a therapist that won't just force me to make my own therapeutic plan and always know what I should do to help myself when I... am going to figure out how am I supposed to do that.

I tried looking for help to getting out of my home. The results just make me feel more hopeless, honestly.
-Grandpa: Haven't talked for him to help me out in specific. However, he's out for believing I need to just support my dad and be there for him and tell him how should he help me (when I was actively suicidal)
-Grandma: Out immediately off this issue. Actual house is far from the urban center and from any opportunities I might have. But she's a very unpleasant person to be around. Wants to be always right, likes to constantly make herself superior to me and make little stupid rituals to try to feel superior, always takes frustration out on me and vents endlessly, thinks all my problems are caused by me not being able to keep up with house cleaning and healthy eating (cmon now), will not take criticism. She's part of the reason I want to leave because my home is her second home and she keeps coming and going with no rhyme or reason. No, I need to keep a semblance of an ego
-Teacher: "Idk how to help... I'll be redirecting you to our school counselor"
-Counselor: "Have you considered helping your dad help you?" though she also mentioned a boarding house. Idk if that works while underage though hahahhah again I'll need my dad's help for that
-Aunt: "I hate your situation, but I'm living with my boyfriend right now... Maybe you and your sister could try both getting a house together"
-Sister: "We're not getting a house together"
So like what's my next option now? Gather money? With ths stupid brain with binge eating disorder and an inability to plan ahead? And how will I convince my impulsive ahh to save up when I know very well it can all crash up in a day? I'm going insane.

I can't stand relying on him anymore. I wish I could run away but he'll just call the police on me and institutionalize me. I don't have any friends that could help me, no social worker would actually take my fucking situation seriously because the neglect barely looks like actual neglect. The idea of going out has me on a fucking gripe and I can't get it away from me after my dad used it against me. I don't even know what I deserve anymore. I don't want this and I WILL kill myself if my only option is to wait for things to change passively, even if those things are age.

Maybe I'm just stupid for not being able to wait. But maybe that just means I deserve even more to die. My solution might truly just be to die. I don't actually care about anyone anyways. I wish I didn't care about myself either so I wouldn't be disappointed I couldn't help myself either. My whole life I had to do everything by myself but because of laws I have to stay in this misery

Tw: mention of suicidal ideation further down

Some backstory:

Pretty sure I was neglected.

Never had actual discipline. Just occasional cruelty like being humiliated for being groomed or for having a neurological disorder. But step foot into this place and it may be smelling of cat piss and the floor is covered in dust cuz no one here has the energy to clean it up;

Had to raise myself by myself as early as 9 years old when my grandma stopped living with us (and low-key the yo-yo regime of her coming and going away from our home caused a lot of stress because it just made her volatile personality more evident);

Was not really getting much help for my disability, I just got thrown into therapists that never really understood how I operate and just made me feel rlly frustrated and helpless which reinforced what my dad said multiple times of "someone who doesn't want help is impossible to help". All I hear is that I'm not deserving of help which true ig;

Would not get much attention if I wasn't performing well intellectually. I once started self harming in class because I couldn't write a text and my teacher said "how the fuck do these people do anything". I felt like I wasn't actually gifted if I struggled, so that meant I was losing my identity, worth and right to attention 👍👍👍;

My dad procrastinated my wants and needs a lot. He "I'll do it later"ed my schoolbooks for a trimester. TWICE. And he excused it when I pointed it out. But it also applied to lesser things like booking psych/doctor appointments, going out, buying clothing and buying anything non-essential;

On that topic, bro loves his parenting shortcuts. It's comical how little stuff he actually taught me. I'm basically an internet baby that was encouraged to shut up whenever possible. If I stay quiet and in my room he typically doesn't check in if he isn't leaving his corner of the house (not common. But I also don't want him to check on me ANYMORE, but it would've been cool if it happened WHEN I NEEDED IT). He's depressed obviously. Though something funny is to be told that he waaants to spend more time with me, but I ride the bus to school cuz he stopped bothering driving me to school. Literally your moment to interact a little but ok;

And yk, when I was younger, it was slowly my grandma parenting me. She was always so burdened so she sometimes acted weird and stressed cuz she didn't fucking have support. Also, she's super spiritual and kind of conservative+ignorant to the point I almost died from anaphylactic shock once cuz she thought it was just a normal asthma attack;

Dad and stepmom have a toxic relationship and they stay together because of their toddler. My stepmom doesn't really love him, after all he is at least kind of abusive (she kind of is too, lied to me more than once which is "nice" so I never told her anything ever again and now I have even less people to trust). Their relationship messed me up and he once soft threatened to kick me out just to get soft again. I guess his inconsistency also bothers me horrendously;

​

House has been a fuck for a while. I live isolated most of the time and this place is a mess. I went to catsit for 5 days and when I came back I expected to find at least new food in the pantry. But there was basically nothing. He forgot for like 8 days in total and at that point I was already binge eating from the stress at the thought of food insecurity. Kind of my fault for not remembering him to buy food but WTF DUDE you don't check your own pantry??

It's also so so so fucking hard to clean this place up. It's huge, my sister changes clothes every fucking day so the laundry stacks up like crazy, sis and dad use a bunch of dishes so there's so many to clean up, the cats randomly piss out of the litterbox and I can't even bother trying to get them spayed anymore. Knowing I could get away from here makes it way less appealing to clean up everyone's mess.

My grades suck. I'm absent from school so much I'm going to automatically fail all classes pretty soon. And I don't care about that place anymore either. I like the staff, know some students, feel sad about the thought of not seeing them anymore and not experiencing the fun events they'll do. But staying there means staying home...

I don't really have like... Actual emotional support. Because the only people I have to "rely" on other than my dad that can drop dead at any moment now either are abusive, exhausted or like almost never even remember me existence (so they don't like, care about me, so WHY BURDEN THEM???).

​

Something has been a little too appealing for me. I really want to move out. I'm trying to get into a study program and I'm already qualified to be evaluated for the next month. They have a real nice scholarship, almost 80% of a (Brazilian) minimum wage per month. And I might get a good electronic device to sell in a competition depending on my performance. I want to like, exhaust my dad until I get emancipated, drop out, move to my aunt's house temporarily, job search and find a place to live close to the study program's office.

It's probably naive to do this at 16, but I feel like I'm dying here. I don't want to end up like my sister, dependent on a barely there dad, severely depressed and with no purpose and conditional independence. The thought of moving out and my special interest have been the only things moving me at this point. I want out so bad, maybe a little too much (maybe my situation isn't that bad, maybe I'm weird for wanting this).

I just can't handle fixing my relationship with my family, I don't think they deserve my time and I don't fucking care about their feelings, but if I don't move out I'll have to rely on them. I can't handle searching for a therapist, having to exhaust myself teaching them how to therapy me when I'm not even sure how someone should deal with me. I can't handle having to put in effort into school (and then feeling pressure to be absolutely perfect) and not being able to prioritize the program.

Fuck, I can't handle fixing what my mental illness and other people's neglect destroyed. I want a fresh start. Maybe not so fresh if I stay with my aunt and have contact with some people I know (my dad will probably keep sending me money for a while, especially since he expressed interest in buying off the prize I may get). Idk maybe it's a stupid idea but I have no idea on what to do anymore other than that or try to starve or b/p until I faint and then strangle myself to death. My fears are not managing to convince my dad and like not landing a job because I won't be finishing HS. But like, no one else will bother trying to stop me otherwise. Fuck

It just gets worse. I didn't have it, then I felt some weird floaty feeling down there. It evolved to a sharpish pain for like 1-2h after my period started. Then feverish pain for a few more hours that got me getting out of class and crying and screaming at the pharmacy because I couldn't afford painkillers. Now I got my period 12h ago and the pain feels as bad as it would've been on my first hour if I didn't take a painkiller.

I was getting used to taking one pill right when I noticed a spot and having my period normally. I don't want to live my whole period with this pain. I don't want it at all. I already want to starve because I look horrendous and feel like I'd accomplish something but I can't take this pain anymore