u/IanSophia

I've got a friendship that's been building for about three years with an older (70s), married, conservative Christian man. We met through a shared interest, and early on he told me he is a Biblical Christian. He knew from the beginning that I am a gay man.

He focuses on the two greatest commandments, love God and love your neighbor, as the frame for what was allowed between us. That opened the door for more emotional depth than you'd expect from a friendship where big differences in theology, gender and sexual identity exist. Over time it's grown into something that feels real on both sides: long talks where we share beliefs, moments where the connection has clearly deepened emotionally and spiritually.

There's been a pattern of moments and interactions that have caused me to pause and think: is he closeted? I can't prove that, and I'm not looking for anyone to confirm it.

Part of why I'm asking instead of just trusting my own read is that I came out fairly late (48 yo), been out for 6 years, and I'm not part of any LGBTQIA communities. I'm pretty introverted by nature, I tend to do better with a few close relationships than a wide circle, so I just don't have a lot of firsthand experience with other queer/gay men, closeted or otherwise, to calibrate against.

So whether you're currently closeted or have since come out, I'd genuinely love to hear how this has been for you. Not so I can map it onto my friend specifically, but because hearing the real thing from people who've lived it might help me bring what I'm noticing into better focus. Right now it's blurry.

What does it actually feel like (or what did it feel like) when you get emotionally close to another man? Does it depend on the person, some friendships staying easy while others get intense enough that you pull back, add boundaries, or lean harder into theology just to manage it?

When sexual feelings come up for someone, what tends to happen for you, internally and in how you act around them? How do you manage that, especially when it's a friendship you don't want to lose?

What do you wish people understood about what you're actually feeling and thinking underneath, whether that's something you're carrying now or something you carried at the time? And what helps (or helped) you feel safe or understood instead of exposed, in a close friendship?

Really just trying to learn from people who've lived it. Thank you in advance for reading and offering your experience.

For context, I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I also come from a comparative spirituality background and have over 40 years of personal spiritual seeking, study, and practice across multiple traditions. My friend is a biblical Christian from a conservative evangelical background. He sees me as a gay man in our interactions because I have not shared my transmasculine/non-binary identity with him for personal reasons.

My friend does not consider me a Christian because I have not declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and because I do not share an evangelical framework of sin and salvation. We also approach Jesus differently—he holds a traditional evangelical view, while I relate to Jesus in a more mystical and experiential way.

When we first met, he understood me to be an agnostic or non-Christian. At that time I was fairly reserved about my spirituality, partly because our frameworks didn’t align well. He later told me he had been praying for God to “open my heart.” I accepted that prayer, and from my perspective my heart was opened to God—though not in a way that looks like evangelical conversion.

Recently, he encouraged me to read the Gospel of John. I did so. I shared with him that when I engage with any sacred text, I tend to do so in an embodied way, that I feel the meaning of the words in my body and soul.

During that conversation, the topic of “covenant” came up naturally, along with a broader discussion about prayer. It wasn’t structured or formal, but an unfolding exchange that emerged from the natural flow of conversation.

In that context, he spontaneously invited me to pray with him. We did not ask for anything; we simply expressed gratitude and thanksgiving together in the moment.

This stood out to me because, in my spiritual framework, prayer is not casual. It carries relational weight and responsibility. I don’t approach prayer lightly, and I don’t tend to pray for specific outcomes because I don’t presume to know what another person needs or what should unfold. Certainly if there is something tangible to do to help, I do that instead of pray.

Another important piece of context is that he has previously said he considers only fellow Christians to be his spiritual family. I, however, experience certain relationships as spiritual family within my own karmic framework, including a sense of continuity across lifetimes, even when theological beliefs differ. I experience him in that way, though he does not share or return that framing.

My question is:

Within your Christian tradition, is inviting someone who is not considered a Christian into a spontaneous prayer of thanksgiving generally viewed as ordinary kindness or evangelism, or does it more often signal a deeper level of spiritual fellowship, trust, or acceptance?

If you’re willing, I’d also appreciate it if you mention your denomination or tradition, as I’m curious how interpretations may differ.

Not a pastor

For context, I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I also come from a comparative spirituality background and have over 40 years of personal spiritual seeking, study, and practice across multiple traditions. My friend is a biblical Christian from a conservative evangelical background. He sees me as a gay man in our interactions because I have not shared my transmasculine/non-binary identity with him for personal reasons.

My friend does not consider me a Christian because I have not declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and because I do not share an evangelical framework of sin and salvation. We also approach Jesus differently—he holds a traditional evangelical view, while I relate to Jesus in a more mystical and experiential way.

When we first met, he understood me to be an agnostic or non-Christian. At that time I was fairly reserved about my spirituality, partly because our frameworks didn’t align well. He later told me he had been praying for God to “open my heart.” I accepted that prayer, and from my perspective my heart was opened to God—though not in a way that looks like evangelical conversion.

Recently, he encouraged me to read the Gospel of John. I did so. I shared with him that when I engage with any sacred text, I tend to do so in an embodied way, that I feel the meaning of the words in my body and soul.

During that conversation, the topic of “covenant” came up naturally, along with a broader discussion about prayer. It wasn’t structured or formal, but an unfolding exchange that emerged from the natural flow of conversation.

In that context, he spontaneously invited me to pray with him. We did not ask for anything; we simply expressed gratitude and thanksgiving together in the moment.

This stood out to me because, in my spiritual framework, prayer is not casual. It carries relational weight and responsibility. I don’t approach prayer lightly, and I don’t tend to pray for specific outcomes because I don’t presume to know what another person needs or what should unfold. Certainly if there is something tangible to do to help, I do that instead of pray.

Another important piece of context is that he has previously said he considers only fellow Christians to be his spiritual family. I, however, experience certain relationships as spiritual family within my own karmic framework, including a sense of continuity across lifetimes, even when theological beliefs differ. I experience him in that way, though he does not share or return that framing.

My question is:

Within your Christian tradition, is inviting someone who is not considered a Christian into a spontaneous prayer of thanksgiving generally viewed as ordinary kindness or evangelism, or does it more often signal a deeper level of spiritual fellowship, trust, or acceptance?

If you’re willing, I’d also appreciate it if you mention your denomination or tradition, as I’m curious how interpretations may differ.

For context, I am part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I also come from a comparative spirituality background and have over 40 years of personal spiritual seeking, study, and practice across multiple traditions. My friend is a biblical Christian from a conservative evangelical background. He sees me as a gay man in our interactions because I have not shared my transmasculine/non-binary identity with him for personal reasons.

My friend does not consider me a Christian because I have not declared Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and because I do not share an evangelical framework of sin and salvation. We also approach Jesus differently—he holds a traditional evangelical view, while I relate to Jesus in a more mystical and experiential way.

When we first met, he understood me to be an agnostic or non-Christian. At that time I was fairly reserved about my spirituality, partly because our frameworks didn’t align well. He later told me he had been praying for God to “open my heart.” I accepted that prayer, and from my perspective my heart was opened to God—though not in a way that looks like evangelical conversion.

Recently, he encouraged me to read the Gospel of John. I did so. I shared with him that when I engage with any sacred text, I tend to do so in an embodied way, that I feel the meaning of the words in my body and soul.

During that conversation, the topic of “covenant” came up naturally, along with a broader discussion about prayer. It wasn’t structured or formal, but an unfolding exchange that emerged from the natural flow of conversation.

In that context, he spontaneously invited me to pray with him. We did not ask for anything; we simply expressed gratitude and thanksgiving together in the moment.

This stood out to me because, in my spiritual framework, prayer is not casual. It carries relational weight and responsibility. I don’t approach prayer lightly, and I don’t tend to pray for specific outcomes because I don’t presume to know what another person needs or what should unfold. Certainly if there is something tangible to do to help, I do that instead of pray.

Another important piece of context is that he has previously said he considers only fellow Christians to be his spiritual family. I, however, experience certain relationships as spiritual family within my own karmic framework, including a sense of continuity across lifetimes, even when theological beliefs differ. I experience him in that way, though he does not share or return that framing.

My question is:

Within your Christian tradition, is inviting someone who is not considered a Christian into a spontaneous prayer of thanksgiving generally viewed as ordinary kindness or evangelism, or does it more often signal a deeper level of spiritual fellowship, trust, or acceptance?

If you’re willing, I’d also appreciate it if you mention your denomination or tradition, as I’m curious how interpretations may differ.