u/Icy-Bed-1625

Had a bit of an odd encounter today. Was on a subway train minding my own business and a teenager who appeared to have special needs started talking to me. I have no problem with small talk so said hi back. She was asking for my hat, was hard to tell if she wanted to keep it or look at it. Either way, I felt like I shouldn't have to give my hat to a stranger. She was with her dad who made no effort to intervene after his daughter kept asking for my hat. It seemed like he almost wanted to guilt me into giving her my hat.

Anyhow, I didn't but the dad seemed to give me some side eye. Would I be in the wrong here for not giving a random person my hat? I like this hat and regardless it doesn't feel right to be pressured into giving it up.

Hello! First post here.

I am trying to figure out the best way to balance my own time and independence in my relationship.

Been together with my partner for 3.5 years and living with each other the past 1.5 years or so.

Prior to us coupling up we both were in similar situations ( coming out of covid and previous relationships and sort of rebuilding our own social lives and what not). We hit it off and relationship has been going well besides one thing that ultimately isn't a huge problem now but I've been feeling stressed about it and want to resolve before it goes on too long.

Long story short, I continued to rebuild my own social life by making new friends in run club, reconnecting with friend groups that I didn't see during the peak of covid and being friendly with neighbors and organizing socials etc with them. My partner on the other hand seemed to completely stop his efforts socializing and stop hanging out with his own friends or engaging in his own hobbies as our relationship progressed.

I noticed that most of his friends prior were a mix of folks that he knew through his ex but prior to us getting together he seemed to be more social and told me he was intentionally trying to make more friends.

Fast forward to now and he really doesn't have any of his own friends or make efforts to connect with his previous friends. He basically merged completely with my groups and friends and my hobbies. I know that as relationships mature and we age friend groups certainly do become more groups of couples and I'm definitely not trying to gatekeep friend groups. However in certain situations I feel a bit socially stressed. For example, my run club has a monthly happy hour. My partner has never participated in the run club but he always wants to come to the happy hour. No other plus ones generally come to these and it can sometimes be a bit socially stressful because instead of being able to mingle with run club people and meet other folks who run at different days and times I'm more being the social liason for my partner since he doesn't know them as well. Ditto to other social events like happy hours with my coworkers that he wants to come to etc. In general, in social situations where plus ones normally come im always making a good effort to make sure the conversation is more general and inclusive of my partner and other plus ones who aren't part of whatever group ( since usually the group ends up talking about work stuff or whatever) but sometimes I want to just be able to talk about run club stuff or work stuff and not feel stressed that my partner is there and not really part of the convo.

This is all just a bit new to me as in previous relationships it was a more even balance of my previous partner having their own activities going on and we'd meet in the middle and switch it up with what groups and what activities we would do and that would also leave us with time to have our own time with friend groups.

So the question is, how do I delicately balance this situation and ask / get more independent social time? I love hanging out with my partner alone and also in group social situations but I feel like I've lost my own identity a bit since we spend so much time and all of our social activities are together. I've asked him in conversation how certain people are and what they are up to and he's generally like "oh I don't know I haven't seen them in a while" but it doesn't seem to encourage him to plan a dinner or coffee with them. It's an interesting difference compared to some of my own friends in relationships that I see socially where sometimes they bring their partner but half the time they don't and I worry if I'm the one always bringing my partner am I losing out on some of those friendship connections since I never actually see my friends one on one anymore.

My thought process was being more direct " hey partner on Saturday I'm going on a run and then lunch with the team after so I won't be home until 1 then we can do something" that way it's not leaving some of the social stuff open ended but implies I am going and not necessarily inviting him? I just worry his feelings will be hurt. The other bit of the dynamic here is we are a gay couple so even though we have our own interests and friend groups maybe the less strict gender norms makes it trickier. Like some of my straight friends in relationships for example the husband goes and plays sports and watches a game and wife has girls group type of dynamic but that doesn't really exist for us.

Long post but appreciate any thoughts!

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Hello Reddit!

Been struggling with a situation and looking for feedback.

Little bit of context:

Have been in a relationship for 4 years with my boyfriend (gay couple, both in our 30s) and we've lived together for 2.

Both of us work from home twice a week ( same days) and in office 3 days a week. I've tried to switch one of my days so I could atleast have a work from home day alone but my work won't allow me.

Our relationship is really quite good, we get along well, have similar interests for the most part. The only thing is, I definitely am a bit more active and social out of the house ( I go to the gym, run club, volunteer in the neighborhood etc) and my in office work days are a bit longer and more time out of the house given the nature of my work and commute.

On weekends the boyfriend and I usually spend basically the whole weekend together, with some exceptions. I'll usually try to fit in a run or gym time in for an hour or two depending on our plans(so sort of me time, but not alone time since out in public around others).

My boyfriend on the other hand genuinely rarely leaves the house besides his in office work days and for social events with me. He prefers home workouts, and generally more just hanging out at home, cooking, reading, tv etc. And during the days he works in office we leave the house about the same time but he'll get home 2 hours or so before me. Because of this he gets a decent chunk of alone time post work at home and some time on weekends home alone ( when I'm at gym or running). He seems to enjoy this time and often spends it on video calls with his family and stuff.

Zero exaggerating here, I've had maybe less than 10 hours total at home alone in the two years we've lived with each other. Genuinely was just a few situations where he had some coworker or friend who wanted to coffee on a weekend or something on occasion that he'll go to.

Prior to living with each other we both lived on our own and I enjoyed those nights home alone on occasion where you can truly turn your brain off, not be social and just zone out a bit. I just don't really get any of that anymore. In two years I've genuinely not walked home to an empty quiet house after a day of work to just sit and decompress alone for a bit. Don't get me wrong it's awesome for the most part coming home to a partner! But I didn't realize not having any alone time at home ever is stressful in a different way.

I know it's a shared house between us now and I hate the idea of asking my boyfriend to spend some time out of the house but I'm also going a little bit crazy not having any time home alone ever.

I'm not trying to be vague or hint to him, I think it would probably be good if he did something in person ( yoga class etc) where he could meet friends and socialize and spend time out of the house but I also want to be careful not to try to change someone. He does seem super eager to socialize with me the second I get home which does hint to me he's maybe missing out on some social outlets.

Anyhow, would I be the asshole if I ask him to try to find something out of the house on occasion to allow me to have that occasional alone time to decompress. I don't want the alone time for any wrong or bad reasons. Genuinely just want to turn off my brain a bit or occasionally have some privacy for calls and stuff with my own family.