u/Icy-Bed-1625

TLDR: partner is constantly sick and constantly clearing throat.

Like the post title says, and I feel mixed because to some extent I understand it's not his fault but he's sick atleast half the month every month. And when he's sick it's never anything major but seemingly a very mild cold or allergies. He'll be "sick" for a day or two, take time off work but mostly just so he can stay home, then he'll be recovered but will claim he has lingering gunk in his throat for weeks on end.

The thing is, it can be a bit much to deal with because he obsessively clears his throat, every 30 seconds atleast. For atleast half the month every month if not more.

It's becoming unbearable, TV time before bed is just him clearing his throat, he wants to snuggle up in bed, throat clearing until he falls asleep, dinner time? Throat clearing non stop.

I encourage him to shower before bed to help with allergies but he rarely does, I guess I just feel like he can/ should take more control in these situations or the very least manage the excessive throat clearing. I've talked to him about the throat clearing and he's extremely defensive of it and days he has to do it and it's not his fault. I'm not exaggerating it's a giant loud "grrrr" type throat clearing atleast twice a minute. There's no escape from it either, if I'm in the bedroom doing my own thing on my computer and he's in the kitchen or living room I can hear it non stop throughout the whole house. The only escape is noise cancelling headphones or physically leaving the house.

I'm absolutely losing my mind. I feel bad since I know folks can't control being sick or allergies ( besides maybe showering before bed so he's not sleeping in his allergens) but I'm also wondering if maybe the throat clearing is now developing into a tic? I also don't know if there is a way he can try to not be sick so much? I'm out and about way more than he is, take bus and train to work, around people at gym etc and I rarely get sick. I do a good job washing hands, hand sanitizer, healthy eating. He has a good diet, I'm not sure about hand washer and stuff at work but I also don't understand how he's constantly sick either but maybe he needs to get a doctor's opinion?

I think there might be a socialized aspect too, his family is very open about bodily functions with burps, farts, throat clearing etc which I understand are natural human functions but it's gotten so excessive its actually mind boggling. I can't imagine he does this at work when he does go to work so maybe it's on overdrive when he's home with the throat clearing. I don't even know what he's clearing he's just constantly doing it but not actually seeming to cough up or spit out anything.

Any thoughts?

TLDR: Spouse recently started chewing extremely loudly.

My (M32) spouse (M33) has recently started chewing with his mouth open/ extra crunching food/ smacking lips.

I'm not sure why this has happened and it doesn't seem to happen in public or with friends or at restaurants but lately around me at home it's been a dramatic change with full chewing with mouth open/ smacking lips and seemingly intentionally trying to chew chips as loudly as possible. To the point one can be downstairs in a different room with door closed and hear the crunch of chips.

He tends to be a sensitive guy so I need to approach this lightly but not sure how. It's gotten so bad I try to leave the room when he's snacking. I'm not sure if I should bring it up in the moment when it's happening so he can try to notice it or bring it up at another time. It's been a more recent change the past few months.

It's genuinely baffling to me as I can't see how he doesn't realize the sound he's making and I can't figure out why he'd start this all of a sudden. He seems to still keep his manners when we are with friends or at restaurants so I think there's some intentionally here. We've been together 4 years and again this has been only the last few months.

To be clear I dont have misophonia and never really get bothered by normal human sounds or normal chewing but this is definitely well beyond most normal chewing sounds. I do believe he has ADHD and he definitely has had various other sensory fixations that come and go so I've been wondering if this is just one of those that will go away on its own overtime. I hate to risk upsetting him too much if it's going to fade away anyways?

TLDR: moving in with partner but it seems to be mostly his stuff which doesn't feel like combining our lives.

Hey all. Like the title suggests my boyfriend and I have got a new apartment together. We are moving from our own apartments so of course we'll have to get rid of furniture ( not bringing two couches, two beds, etc etc obviously). However as we are packing and preparing for the move it really seems like he wants to bring almost all of his stuff and seems to expect me to part with all of my stuff.

He seems to have a sentimental attachment to everything, I agree he has sentimental values to more things than me so I'm happy to be flexible but I'm worried our new place isn't going to feel like my place at all if it's just 100 percent his stuff. As we are packing it's 95 percent his stuff he wants to keep and he's expecting me to basically get rid of everything besides my clothes and a few other items. Additionally, the amount of stuff he's bringing really leaves very little room for me to acquire my own things and some of his things are very bulky/ sentimental art type pieces ( we live in NYC so apartments are small). To be fair his stuff is perfectly nice and fine but it is just more so about it not really feeling fair in the sense I have to give up most of my stuff ( and the effort that comes with it) and me feeling like it's me merging with his life rather than us merging together if that makes sense.

I'm curious how other folks have navigated moving in with a partner and deciding what stuff to bring vs not. It's basically everything, I have nice plates and mugs and dishware but he wants to only bring/ use his, same with blankets, pillow, the bulky art pieces, houseplants etc.

My thought is we both have to be willing to part ways with some things but each get to bring some of our own stuff. My family is more local than his so he thinks "oh well just ask your parents to store your stuff" ( which they don't really want to do anyways plus I also want some of my own art, plants, dishware etc so it also feels like my own home too).

Thanks!

Has anyone else noticed this at their work? My work it seems that all of our leadership have kids so are consistently out of office by 3pm and randomly working from home way more often than is allowed so they can pick kids up, drive to sports etc etc.

Don't get me wrong, generally speaking most office jobs I think can afford more flexibility since we have laptops to wrap up work at home, have emails, teams etc on our phones.

But I've noticed at my office all the folks with kids get so much more flexibility compared with those of us that don't. It's not even just folks in leadership it's everyone who has a kid. I think it feels more appropriate though for them since the folks in leadership have kids.

I don't have kids, but I too would like to leave the office earlier to beat traffic home or hit the gym before peak hour and don't mind wrapping up work later.

Has Anyone successfully approached this in their work environment? My thought is if folks with kids get flexibility to leave office early for kid pick ups and "wrap up work at home later" why can't others? It's not like we can have meetings past 3 anyways since so many of them are gone.

Anyways, this is bit of a rant today since I noticed half my office was gone by 3 because of kids but I sat in rush hour traffic home but also curious if others have asked for similar flexibility at work that parents have.

TLDR: husband loves to sit on kitchen counter inches away from my small office and I hate feeling overheard.

Looking for some advice. I live in a two bedroom place with my partner and we both work from home the same 2 days a week. He has an office space in the main bedroom and I have an office space in the small bedroom/ office ( it's not a legal bedroom since small and no window it's a legit small home office). We also have a living room and kitchen and an outdoor patio.

I work more hours than my partner and have a less flexible job hours/meeting wise. Hence he has the office in the bedroom since he wakes up much later and doesn't start work until 11am or so. I think our difference in working hours in partially part of the problem, I work a more traditional 8-9 hour day and he works maybe 2-3 hours a day.

My office is immediately off the kitchen. The issue is my spouse loves sitting on the kitchen counters. It's just his thing and I guess he's always done this and always loved this. I don't get it but it's it's what he does. I don't mind him being in the kitchen cooking, Making coffee etc when I'm in the office working but when he's sitting there for long periods of time it's like 12 inches from my office door which is like 24 inches from my desk and working and he just sits there drinking coffee, eating, scrolling on his phone, even though we have a living room with a table and a table out back on our patio. I can hear every move when he's sitting there, him chewing on food, sipping on drinks and I hate the feeling of being perceived when I'm talking on calls or organizing or cleaning in my office or just generally doing my own thing.

I've talked to him about it and he just shrugs as he says he's always liked sitting on the kitchen counter and that's just his thing.

I would switch offices with him but that would mean he wouldn't be able to sleep in as much as he does so that wouldn't work. Also to be clear I don't mind him sitting there any other time but the 2 days per week I'm working from home id appreciate if he wouldn't sit there right outside my door. For context, when I was interviewing for a new job I had to ask him to leave the house since I had interviews and I didn't want to feel the extra stress of him hearing me since he'd likely be sitting on the counters right outside my office.

Am I crazy? It just feels so weird to me that he's sitting there inches away. It's only interior doors so they aren't sound proof at all and I hate feeling overheard on calls or working around in my office.

I can't tell if it's a me issue with feeling overheard and perceived and if I'm overreacting but I feel like this entire situation is strange. I think for him he's like "oh I don't mind hearing your meetings I like being on counter" so I'm doubting if I'm the weird one in this situation.

Hey all!

I’m looking for some advice on proper social etiquette and best strategies for a dilemma that I don't think is super unique, but it’s becoming a bit stressful. The socials skill I'm looking for is kindly setting boundaries and transparency.

Im in my early 30s living in a major city. Over the years, my social circles have matured, and I’m fortunate to have a few distinct, established friend groups: mostly couples where everyone has deep, common bonds. I’m also pretty extroverted and involved in community groups, so I sometimes make "one-off" friends (people I love hanging out with 1-on-1, who aren't connected to my main groups).

Lately, I’m struggling with how to balance these newer friends when they want to hang out more frequently than I have bandwidth for. A few of them are newer to the area and rely on me heavily for their social calendar and text me about hanging out every weekend. Between my partner, family, my core groups, work and needing downtime, I feel terrible constantly saying no. With summer here, they keep reaching out to ask what my holiday plans are, and sometimes inviting themselves a bit.

For big umbrella events like park days, it’s easy to include everyone. But for intimate, multi-day traditions like annual cabin trips with my core group it feels more stressful. Bringing someone new changes the established dynamic, and Airbnb guest limits are real. But when they see I was away with friends for the weekend, I worry they'll feel excluded or offended.

To fix this, the specific social skill I really want to learn and improve here is assertive boundary setting with high-context transparency.

Right now, I tend to give vague "I'm busy" answers or I overly explain and justify why I can't hangout with them on a certain occasion because I want to lead with kindness, but it actually creates more anxiety. I want to learn how to explicitly communicate the structure of my social life without sounding exclusionary.

Another reason I need this skill is the hosting burnout. When I do invite a one off friend into a group, I find myself acting as a "social liaison" managing introductions, smoothing over inside jokes, and making sure they aren't left out. This can be mentally exhausting. Sometimes I just want to relax with old friends where the social labor is zero. I feel selfish admitting this but sometimes it's true.

How do you all handle the boundary conversation when one-off friends look to you to be their primary social gateway? How do you decline holiday invites kindly but firmly, without over explaining or feeling guilty? I guess I also feel a bit guilty cause in some cases I understand being the new person to an area and wanting more friends and that these folks are making an effort and I want to respect that too.

With all this said I'm definitely not opposed to new people in general becoming more incorporated in core groups but i feel like it happens slower and overtime and with more of a core friend group dynamic involved rather than just me.

Thanks!

Hey gay bros. Anyone have a bit of a discrepancy with how much physical affection/ cuddles you need compared to partner?

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My(32m) and boyfriend (33m) have a good relationship overall it's great. Only thing is I am feeling a bit constrained by the amount of cuddles my boyfriend wants/ needs. Physical touch is clearly one of his love languages and I enjoy cuddles too but I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by it lately. We live together and generally he's a bit more of an introvert and less social etc than I am, he also works from home more and shorter hours. From the second I get home until we wake up and we're leaving for work the the next day he wants physical contact. We have a good sex life with sex several times a week and he doesn't seem to want more sex just constant cuddles.

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We'll have dinner together then cuddle on couch and unwind with some TV before work. He wants to lay down with me basically laying on him and his arms around me the whole time. It's cute and nice for a bit but overall not very ergonomic and can get uncomfortable for me at times. I try to sit up so I can drink tea and etc and get more comfortable but then he seems sad.

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Then in bed he wants me basically as a body pillow until he falls asleep, this is his head on my chest, his arms over me and his legs over me. I completely cannot move at all. Again I enjoy it for some amount of time but it's not a position I can actually fall asleep in. As a result I end up sleeping way less than him because I have to lie there totally still until he falls asleep and then slowly detangle myself and then I can start to get in a comfortable position to get sleepy in so I regularly lose out on 1-2 hours of sleep every night.

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Same for morning, before even out of bed, full body contact cuddles. I enjoy it to some extent but at a certain point it's a Saturday morning and we've been horizontal in some cuddle or sleep position for 12+ hours and I just feel the need to get up and move my body. If he had his way we'd stay in that position all morning until atleast lunch and only get out of bed/ cuddles to eat.

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I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of this but don't want to upset him since he's so sweet and the cuddles are important to him but the amount is definitely starting to drive me a bit crazy since it's usually not comfortable positions for me and sometimes I need some of that unwinding together time to do my own thing ( like if we're unwinding after work watching tv I might want to be on my phone a bit while we are loosely watching something together) but if I'm fully in a deadlocked cuddle position for hours I can't browse phone, drink tea etc etc.

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Anyhow, thoughts on how I approach this? My concern is I need to express this carefully to not make him feel like I'm timing or limiting cuddles which I don't want to be rigid about but think we need a rebalance. I'm thinking of trying to approach it with the honest and I think fair practicality of it. I definitely have some neck and shoulder pain from the cuddle positions since they aren't that comfortable for these long durations and getting less sleep over time is definitely adding up too with the bed time cuddle position in bed.

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I also can't tell how much of it is related to purely love language or if he's just a bit more starved for socializing and human connection since he's more introverted and doesn't have as much regular human contact compared to me ( my job is more in person and I generally am more social going to run club and gym and stuff after work) whereas he's at home more often and does home yoga etc rather than activities with other folks.

Edit: I'm aware this is a good problem to have 😂 so I'm not ungrateful at all! Just trying to rebalance it a bit mostly due to the actual body pains and losing some sleep from laying down in cuddle positions for so many hours every day lol. ​

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Had a bit of an odd encounter today. Was on a subway train minding my own business and a teenager who appeared to have special needs started talking to me. I have no problem with small talk so said hi back. She was asking for my hat, was hard to tell if she wanted to keep it or look at it. Either way, I felt like I shouldn't have to give my hat to a stranger. She was with her dad who made no effort to intervene after his daughter kept asking for my hat. It seemed like he almost wanted to guilt me into giving her my hat.

Anyhow, I didn't but the dad seemed to give me some side eye. Would I be in the wrong here for not giving a random person my hat? I like this hat and regardless it doesn't feel right to be pressured into giving it up.

Hello! First post here.

I am trying to figure out the best way to balance my own time and independence in my relationship.

Been together with my partner for 3.5 years and living with each other the past 1.5 years or so.

Prior to us coupling up we both were in similar situations ( coming out of covid and previous relationships and sort of rebuilding our own social lives and what not). We hit it off and relationship has been going well besides one thing that ultimately isn't a huge problem now but I've been feeling stressed about it and want to resolve before it goes on too long.

Long story short, I continued to rebuild my own social life by making new friends in run club, reconnecting with friend groups that I didn't see during the peak of covid and being friendly with neighbors and organizing socials etc with them. My partner on the other hand seemed to completely stop his efforts socializing and stop hanging out with his own friends or engaging in his own hobbies as our relationship progressed.

I noticed that most of his friends prior were a mix of folks that he knew through his ex but prior to us getting together he seemed to be more social and told me he was intentionally trying to make more friends.

Fast forward to now and he really doesn't have any of his own friends or make efforts to connect with his previous friends. He basically merged completely with my groups and friends and my hobbies. I know that as relationships mature and we age friend groups certainly do become more groups of couples and I'm definitely not trying to gatekeep friend groups. However in certain situations I feel a bit socially stressed. For example, my run club has a monthly happy hour. My partner has never participated in the run club but he always wants to come to the happy hour. No other plus ones generally come to these and it can sometimes be a bit socially stressful because instead of being able to mingle with run club people and meet other folks who run at different days and times I'm more being the social liason for my partner since he doesn't know them as well. Ditto to other social events like happy hours with my coworkers that he wants to come to etc. In general, in social situations where plus ones normally come im always making a good effort to make sure the conversation is more general and inclusive of my partner and other plus ones who aren't part of whatever group ( since usually the group ends up talking about work stuff or whatever) but sometimes I want to just be able to talk about run club stuff or work stuff and not feel stressed that my partner is there and not really part of the convo.

This is all just a bit new to me as in previous relationships it was a more even balance of my previous partner having their own activities going on and we'd meet in the middle and switch it up with what groups and what activities we would do and that would also leave us with time to have our own time with friend groups.

So the question is, how do I delicately balance this situation and ask / get more independent social time? I love hanging out with my partner alone and also in group social situations but I feel like I've lost my own identity a bit since we spend so much time and all of our social activities are together. I've asked him in conversation how certain people are and what they are up to and he's generally like "oh I don't know I haven't seen them in a while" but it doesn't seem to encourage him to plan a dinner or coffee with them. It's an interesting difference compared to some of my own friends in relationships that I see socially where sometimes they bring their partner but half the time they don't and I worry if I'm the one always bringing my partner am I losing out on some of those friendship connections since I never actually see my friends one on one anymore.

My thought process was being more direct " hey partner on Saturday I'm going on a run and then lunch with the team after so I won't be home until 1 then we can do something" that way it's not leaving some of the social stuff open ended but implies I am going and not necessarily inviting him? I just worry his feelings will be hurt. The other bit of the dynamic here is we are a gay couple so even though we have our own interests and friend groups maybe the less strict gender norms makes it trickier. Like some of my straight friends in relationships for example the husband goes and plays sports and watches a game and wife has girls group type of dynamic but that doesn't really exist for us.

Long post but appreciate any thoughts!

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Hello Reddit!

Been struggling with a situation and looking for feedback.

Little bit of context:

Have been in a relationship for 4 years with my boyfriend (gay couple, both in our 30s) and we've lived together for 2.

Both of us work from home twice a week ( same days) and in office 3 days a week. I've tried to switch one of my days so I could atleast have a work from home day alone but my work won't allow me.

Our relationship is really quite good, we get along well, have similar interests for the most part. The only thing is, I definitely am a bit more active and social out of the house ( I go to the gym, run club, volunteer in the neighborhood etc) and my in office work days are a bit longer and more time out of the house given the nature of my work and commute.

On weekends the boyfriend and I usually spend basically the whole weekend together, with some exceptions. I'll usually try to fit in a run or gym time in for an hour or two depending on our plans(so sort of me time, but not alone time since out in public around others).

My boyfriend on the other hand genuinely rarely leaves the house besides his in office work days and for social events with me. He prefers home workouts, and generally more just hanging out at home, cooking, reading, tv etc. And during the days he works in office we leave the house about the same time but he'll get home 2 hours or so before me. Because of this he gets a decent chunk of alone time post work at home and some time on weekends home alone ( when I'm at gym or running). He seems to enjoy this time and often spends it on video calls with his family and stuff.

Zero exaggerating here, I've had maybe less than 10 hours total at home alone in the two years we've lived with each other. Genuinely was just a few situations where he had some coworker or friend who wanted to coffee on a weekend or something on occasion that he'll go to.

Prior to living with each other we both lived on our own and I enjoyed those nights home alone on occasion where you can truly turn your brain off, not be social and just zone out a bit. I just don't really get any of that anymore. In two years I've genuinely not walked home to an empty quiet house after a day of work to just sit and decompress alone for a bit. Don't get me wrong it's awesome for the most part coming home to a partner! But I didn't realize not having any alone time at home ever is stressful in a different way.

I know it's a shared house between us now and I hate the idea of asking my boyfriend to spend some time out of the house but I'm also going a little bit crazy not having any time home alone ever.

I'm not trying to be vague or hint to him, I think it would probably be good if he did something in person ( yoga class etc) where he could meet friends and socialize and spend time out of the house but I also want to be careful not to try to change someone. He does seem super eager to socialize with me the second I get home which does hint to me he's maybe missing out on some social outlets.

Anyhow, would I be the asshole if I ask him to try to find something out of the house on occasion to allow me to have that occasional alone time to decompress. I don't want the alone time for any wrong or bad reasons. Genuinely just want to turn off my brain a bit or occasionally have some privacy for calls and stuff with my own family.