u/Icy-Trick-7760

I went to the ER the other day and as I was in triage she was just asking general questions and was opening up about my eating disorder and she’s like “wow you look really good though you look healthy” and that really stung something in me. I’ve been struggling for 5 years with anorexia and I was a lower weight and did gain some weight but I still am not healthy. I’m still underweight and restricting heavily and very miserable with my eating disorder. So to hear that is very very invalidating to me and just makes me want to get worse to prove I’m actually sick. It’s ridiculous. She even told me she had a niece who struggles with it and you’d think you’d know not to say that then. I’ve been having s really hard time since I heard her say this the other day and it’s still bothering me.

Does restricting cause like really bad anger and irritability?? I’ve been the absolute worst mood wise than I have ever been in my life. And I don’t know if my ED is the cause or if anyone has any similar experiences. I feel like I’m genuinely going insane.

So this past week I’ve gone through my worst relapse by far. Last night I had the biggest mental breakdown to my boyfriend. Yes I admit I’ve been the biggest bitch and am constantly mad and agitated and never happy anymore. And my relationship has severely been impacted. Especially this week bc of my relapse. This morning I woke up to see my scale and food scale was gone. I asked him and he said I need to get better and this is the first step. I’m really pissed off I don’t understand how hiding it will make it better if anything I feel like it’s going to make me worse and spiral even more.

So this is my biggest relapse so far. I wouldn’t say I was recovered but I was doing… better. This past week my weights gone down and I’ve been eating less and I really feel the effects from it now vs when I did years ago. I can barely stand at work bc my back kills me, I don’t have the energy to work, and I’m so dizzy and almost pass out all day. I also been having this issue where nothing is satisfying me at all. I’m just hungry. Starving and no matter what I eat it doesn’t help. Idk how to get over this I feel like now that I am deep in this relapse I don’t know how to reverse it again without feeling absolutely horrible about myself

So this is my biggest relapse so far. I wouldn’t say I was recovered but I was doing… better. This past week my weights gone down and I’ve been eating less and I really feel the effects from it now vs when I did years ago. I can barely stand at work bc my back kills me, I don’t have the energy to work, and I’m so dizzy and almost pass out all day. I also been having this issue where nothing is satisfying me at all. I’m just hungry. Starving and no matter what I eat it doesn’t help. Idk how to get over this I feel like now that I am deep in this relapse I don’t know how to reverse it again without feeling absolutely horrible about myself.

I genuinely have hit the lowest point in my life. I am so incredibly miserable everyday and have mental breakdowns and cry all day and hate everything about my life. I need to recover. I want to. But I literally cannot get myself to. I need a push and I don’t know how to do it. It’s all I want. I want happiness I’m wasting the best years of my life due to this stupid disorder. I genuinely don’t know how to get over this.

I literally was on vacation for a whole week. I ate out everyday sometimes twice a day. I literally ate so much more than I do at home. I was happy I wasn’t having my random outbursts of anger or attitude. I ate freely and enjoyed it. I didn’t even see a difference in my body. The scale even only went up >!1 lb!< which I think is water weight anyway especially since my period is in two days. But now that I’ve been home ive fallen into old habits. I’m restricting again bc I feel like I’m going to gain with the amount I’m eating which like isn’t even close to what I was on vacation and even if it was my body clearly didn’t gain from it. why is my brain like this. I thought I was finally getting somewhere.

So obviously not completely. But I am on vacation and I have been eating breakfast lunch and dinner. More than I would at home. It feels so good to just enjoy food again. I still feel guilty as hell after but it doesn’t last long tbh. I am walking a ton so I feel that is helping but I swear i definitely am going way over than I use to eat at home. My first day here was rough and I was crying and miserable and told myself why would I ruin my vacation and memories for a stupid disorder. I’m just really worried about what the scale will say when I’m Back home but tbh this is just so nice to eat like I did before this disorder. It feels so freeing. I honestly hope this kick starts recovery when I get home.