u/Ill-Acanthisitta9764

I still can't believe you'd say I never loved you. Why would I spend all that time with you during all those hardships? Why would I share all those fears and insecurities if I never loved you? Why would I still think of you many years after we broke it off? I definitely mistreated and hurt you, without a doubt that's true, but it doesn't mean I never loved you. I was just an insecure piece of shit who didn't know how to cope with anything. Prior to us I've hardly cry, now there's hardly a time I cry without it being related to the thought of you in some way. I just know deep down in my heart and soul I would have loved you and taken such good care of you if you stuck by me a little longer, I just needed some help and patience in return. I’m always either drunk on distractions, or paralysed by my thoughts. There's fleeting moments of happiness, but nothing truly meaningful or everlasting. The only times I've ever felt safe and excited by my future, was with you. You act as if I was so manipulative but that's not true at all. I someone who just spirals continuously, trying to grab a hold of anything as I fall. It's okay if you don't want me in your life, but don't think once I never loved you.

I'm just spiralling here. I'm so incredibly lonely. It just feels I pour far more energy into people than I get back. I know have trust issues given how people have treated me. Spent months building friendships, only to be told they were hoping by hanging out less, that I'd let them go. I'm not over the people I have lost, and still feel all the pain and hurt from them. I have friendships now that only seem to exist because I'm the one reaching out. Its always me reaching out, never them. All it does is affect my self image and worth. I never feel like I'm anyone priority. I don't think anyone knows how deeply things like this affect and hurt me. They're probably mindlessly doing their own thing while I'm here suffering in silence. I just want someone to care for me back

Somehow everything is always my fault, no matter what it is. Somehow its my fault, and I deserved it when I was attacked by my own mom and physcially scarred for it. Somehow its my fault I took a 2 year gap after my masters degree to recover from depression and bulimia, all things which they contributed. Somehow its my fault for not wanting to see nor interact with the family. That its my fault when they talk shit to me either behind my back, or to my face. Then it's my fault for not "proving them wrong".

Its always absolutely wrong when I get defensive when I'm completely misrepresented. Its my fault for getting angry over my vulnerability and insecurities being used against me at every opportunity. And after all that, I'm this piece of shit of a bum for planning of cutting them all off when I have the means, and have no intentions for being the retirement plan my parents expect from me. Is it a fucking wonder that to this day I have all this bitterness and anger. No one will truly get me.