u/Ill-Jeweler-7299

This is embarrassing, considering I made a very hopeful post here last week when I was at Day 6. I relapsed the same day, and I’ve honestly been struggling to figure out how I feel
about that.

I mentioned in my post last week that I’m gay and I’m trying to work through some shame surrounding my sexuality. I spent my teen years trying to be “good”, and I even quit porn for a while (mostly because my parents caught me browsing adult websites and beat my ass lol). But once I got older, and especially after I turned eighteen, I found porn to be liberating. It was easy, and I didn’t have to expose myself to anyone (I’ve always had body image issues) nor did I have to cross the line of “carnal sin”. So losing porn to me feels like losing freedom; it feels like all the shame-inducing voices in my head are winning.

But porn has been like a bulldozer in my brain. I don’t want these images under my eyelids anymore, and I’m tired of always needing more and more and more. I’m tired of the mixed signals and not knowing what the right step is and never trusting myself and always oscillating between puritan and pervert.

I obviously feel a lot of ways about this, but hopefully I’ll figure it out without turning to porn. I’ll try not to count the days this time to avoid the one-week anxiety. All I can do is my best…

This is embarrassing, considering I made a very hopeful post here last week when I was at Day 6. I relapsed the same day, and I’ve honestly been struggling to figure out how I feel
about that.

I mentioned in my post last week that I’m gay and I’m trying to work through some shame surrounding my sexuality. I spent my teen years trying to be “good”, and I even quit porn for a while (mostly because my parents caught me browsing adult websites and beat my ass lol). But once I got older, and especially after I turned eighteen, I found porn to be liberating. It was easy, and I didn’t have to expose myself to anyone (I’ve always had body image issues) nor did I have to cross the line of “carnal sin”. So losing porn to me feels like losing freedom; it feels like all the shame-inducing voices in my head are winning.

But porn has been like a bulldozer in my brain. I don’t want these images under my eyelids anymore, and I’m tired of always needing more and more and more. I’m tired of the mixed signals and not knowing what the right step is and never trusting myself and always oscillating between puritan and pervert.

I obviously feel a lot of ways about this, but hopefully I’ll figure it out without turning to porn. I’ll try not to count the days this time to avoid the one-week anxiety. All I can do is my best…

Hopefully this is not too hyper-specific, but I’m at a loss and maybe someone here can help!

My aunt was killed in Newark, NJ in 1938, and I’ve been wondering if extant criminal records might be lurking somewhere. I’ve tried to go through the NJ courts and archives, but they’ve turned up nothing. Newspaper articles have been helpful, but tantalizing. I’m not ready to part with this yet! I simply don’t believe I know all there is to know, and it’s been a frustrating thorn in my side throughout my research.

Does anyone have experience with U.S. criminal records, particularly in New Jersey? If it helps, the trial took place in the NJ Court of Common Pleas. Many thanks for whatever help you might offer!

I have a lot to say about this, so please bear with me.

I (25M) have been watching porn since I was seven years old. I don’t remember much about that time, but I know it started as a casual interest and grew from there. Things got worse once I realized I was gay; I grew up religious, and believed that homosexuality wasn’t something I was supposed to pursue or “act on”. Of course, I had natural adolescent urges, so I used porn to satisfy them without committing what I believed to be a more egregious sin. I deliberately used porn to replace real connection, and since I’ve never fully dealt with my shame around being queer, I never learned to stop using it.

As a result, I have never been in a relationship. I have never kissed or been kissed. I have dealt with ever-increasing shame, loneliness, self-hatred, body image issues, and even suicidality. I’m almost certain that my early exposure to porn has acted as a sexual trauma that contributes to a lot of mental, social, and emotional problems I’ve had throughout my life. There is a giant web I’m meant to untangle. I think the biggest step to begin untangling it is to quit porn.

I haven’t gone porn-free longer than a week in about a decade. Today is Day 6, and I’m getting nervous. I don’t want to continue living my life the way I have all these years, and something has to change this time. I have never discussed my porn addiction with anyone, so maybe this is the thing that changes.

Wish me luck!

I have a lot to say about this, so please bear with me.

I (25M) have been watching porn since I was seven years old. I don’t remember much about that time, but I know it started as a casual interest and grew from there. Things got worse once I realized I was gay; I grew up religious, and believed that homosexuality wasn’t something I was supposed to pursue or “act on”. Of course, I had natural adolescent urges, so I used porn to satisfy them without committing what I believed to be a more egregious sin. I deliberately used porn to replace real connection, and since I’ve never fully dealt with my shame around being queer, I never learned to stop using it.

As a result, I have never been in a relationship. I have never kissed or been kissed. I have dealt with ever-increasing shame, loneliness, self-hatred, body image issues, and even suicidality. I’m almost certain that my early exposure to porn has acted as a sexual trauma that contributes to a lot of mental, social, and emotional problems I’ve had throughout my life. There is a giant web I’m meant to untangle. I think the biggest step to begin untangling it is to quit porn.

I haven’t gone porn-free longer than a week in about a decade. Today is Day 6, and I’m getting nervous. I don’t want to continue living my life the way I have all these years, and something has to change this time. I have never discussed my porn addiction with anyone, so maybe this is the thing that changes.

Wish me luck!