u/ImaginaryPhone2946

10 months after the breakup, my ex told me I made her feel unsafe and that she’s now in recovery because of our relationship. I genuinely didn’t know any of this.

I’m posting this because I honestly don’t know how to process what just happened, and I’d really like some outside perspectives.

My ex and I broke up around 10 months ago. Since then, we’ve basically gone our separate ways. Today she messaged me because she wanted me to stop letting friends look at her social media and message people around her. I told her I had no idea my friends were doing that and apologized.

Then the conversation took a completely different turn.

She told me that she felt unsafe in our relationship and that she believes I did things that “weren’t okay.” She said that because of things that happened in the relationship, she eventually got to a point where she didn’t feel like she could say no anymore. She said she’s now in a recovery process that she couldn’t have while she was with me.

She also said that I had told her multiple times that she shouldn’t tell her mom certain things.
This is where I’m genuinely confused, because I have a completely different memory of these things.

I have never done anything sexual with her when she didn’t want it. There was never a situation where she said no to something sexual and I continued anyway. Obviously I can’t tell her how she felt, and if she genuinely felt unable to say no, I take that seriously. But hearing that she now associates that feeling with me is extremely difficult when I genuinely never knew she felt that way.

The thing about her mom is also something I honestly don’t recognize. She used to struggle with things and didn’t want to tell her mom because she knew her mom would worry. I actually encouraged her several times to talk to her mom and told her that she shouldn’t keep everything to herself.

She also said that I made her feel like I didn’t support her with school. That one really confused me too, because I remember the opposite. At one point, a few weeks before she started school, she was considering dropping out, and I was the one telling her not to and encouraging her to go through with it.

There are definitely things I did wrong in the relationship. For example, there was one time I got angry because she made fun of an old picture of me from a period when I was in a really bad place mentally. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, and I apologized to her multiple times for it. I’m not trying to pretend I was a perfect boyfriend.

She also mentioned my “dram moments” as something that made her feel unsafe. I assume she means moments where I became emotional or angry. I can acknowledge that I wasn’t always perfect at handling my emotions, but I never intended to make her afraid of me.

She also used to have scars on her legs from scratching herself, and I was actually very worried about her because of it. She didn’t really want me to worry about it or interfere, but I cared about her and wanted her to be okay.

What makes this even harder for me is the way she talked about the end of the relationship.
From my perspective, the end was extremely painful. I was already at a very low point mentally, and she would tell me she didn’t want to talk for a while, then later tell me she wanted to break up. I experienced her as very cold and felt like I was being kept hanging on for a while. I also believe there were things she wasn’t honest with me about, although I obviously can’t prove everything I suspect.

When I brought up that I felt the way she treated me at the end wasn’t healthy either, she basically explained that the breakup happened for a reason because she didn’t feel safe with me.

And this is the part I’m struggling with most.
It feels like her behavior and decisions are now being explained by the fact that she felt unsafe, while everything I experienced from her is completely irrelevant. Almost like because she felt unsafe, everything she did is understandable, but anything I did is automatically evidence that I was the problem.

I don’t want to dismiss her feelings. If she genuinely felt unsafe with me, I don’t want to tell her that she’s wrong about her own experience. At the same time, I also don’t want to accept responsibility for things that, as far as I remember, simply didn’t happen.

I replied to her pretty calmly. I told her that I didn’t know how the things I did had come across to her, but that it was never my intention to make her feel that way, and I apologized. I didn’t argue with her about it because she clearly wanted to close the conversation.

She then asked if I had any questions because she was going to remove me from her followers. I said no, wished her a good evening, and left it there.

I haven’t contacted her since and I’m not planning to.

But now I’m sitting here 10 months after the breakup thinking:
How can someone have experienced our relationship so differently from how I remember it?

And more importantly, how much responsibility should I actually take for something when someone says they felt unsafe around me, but I genuinely didn’t realize they felt that way and don’t recognize some of the things they’re describing?

I’m not looking for people to blindly tell me I’m innocent or that she’s lying. If I did something wrong, I genuinely want to understand it and learn from it. But I also don’t want to destroy myself over things I don’t believe happened.

So I’m really curious what other people think about this. How would you deal with hearing something this serious about yourself 10 months after a breakup?

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I don’t really want a traditional relationship right now. My work, the gym, and my own goals are very important to me, and I don’t want either of us to become each other’s entire world. I’d rather have a relationship where we both have our own lives, see each other a few times a week, spend quality time together, cuddle, have sex, and support each other without feeling like we have to do everything together.

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