u/Imaginary_Fee5231

I’m just gonna share random thoughts about all of this. TW- incest

I didn’t enjoy it 100%, I don’t think. I don’t know. There were times he (father) would coerce me and those times were awful. He’d always try to penetrate but I managed to avoid it somehow. But I remember initiating it once or twice. I remember enjoying it and feeling like we were having some kind of “affair” that I was equally a part of. I thought my mother knew. I felt older than I was. I was 8-12/13 but felt like an adult. He never said anything, it was like an unspoken rule to keep it quiet. I was under this illusion that I was consenting.

I don’t remember the details well. I think it’s because it was always in the dark under the covers and I probably dissociated from the whole situation and just felt the arousal. I was already hyper sexual before it started. Watched porn and masturbated and played sexual games with other kids. I would also always orgasm but orgasm wasn’t enjoyable. Orgasm was weird and gross and I didn’t know until I was a teenager that that gross feeling was the so called orgasm.

Nowadays the somatic sensations are mostly suppressed. I intrusively feel one specific sensation that destroys me. I remember when I was 16/17 I would scrub like crazy in the shower due to the sensations. My sexuality is weird and messed up because of it all. I have this weird attachment to being under the covers and nothing being exposed during sex. When things are exposed I find it hard to finish. I am very eager to sexually please. I’m very desensitised to the idea of ‘abuse’ because my experience didn’t feel like that. But in ways it did because I feel this extreme disgust and filth.

I feel disgusting. I feel like I must naturally be a dirty wh*re. Is this even abuse? Am I valid?

Trigger warning: childhood SA and trauma

I have always struggled with retroactive jealousy in every relationship I’ve had. I don’t believe I’m an inherently jealous person but I’ve been abused, traumatised, neglected a humiliating number of times so I have very very deeply embedded insecurity and self esteem issues.

My first ‘sexual experiences’ were of abuse by family. Even my first kiss. That is a grief I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to get over. I never really experienced love, just one sided lust at best (I didn’t really like my exes, I just stayed out of loneliness and attachment). One of these relationships was horribly toxic and was pretty much just constant fighting. Most of my life I’ve lived isolated from the world too.

I mean I’ve endured so much humiliation and pain in my life, I get ‘jealous’ very easily over mundane things. I am jealous of the simplicity and normalcy that comes easy to others, like the normalcy of experiencing relationships and friendship and love. So I think the grief I have over losing my childhood, my adolescence and I guess early 20s is intensified to the extreme when I am attached to a partner. I don’t have enough positive experiences in my life. Not familial, not friendship and certainly not romantic love. It honestly kills me to know that he got to experience that kind of innocence. I’m happy for him on the whole but it kills.

I’m talking about someone new. I kind of wish I never met him so soon, so I had time to heal and experiment with life with safety.

I have body dysmorphic disorder (clinically diagnosed) so I experience this a lot and maybe to a way higher intensity but I was wondering if other ‘healthy minded’ women do too?

I’m a woman btw