u/ImbasForosnai

I literally can’t keep watching this show if it’s just humiliation ritual after humiliation ritual for him. I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM HE’S TRYING HIS BEST poor sweet Ron

I used to self harm in an extreme manner during a big crisis, a few times to the point of needing medical attention. I’ve managed fo not have a relapse with that for a while now. However I’ve instead been self harming in smaller ways like hitting myself and pulling my hair, and it’s much more often now, even over a small issue. I feel quite stagnated at this point. I’d like to get to the point where I’m no longer transforming my emotional pain into a physical reaction, no matter how minor. I feel I’m so close to overcoming self harm I’m just stuck at this level.

A disagreement with my partner triggered me splitting very hard, and although we resolved the argument now I still feel unsure and uncertain of who was initially being unreasonable. I can add further context if anyone asks but in short I asked my husband to drive me to get sushi, and then also to pick up steak from the butcher. He said I could have one but not both. I got upset, because I had a shitty work day and also have my period so I wanted sushi as a pick me up and steak for iron content. He made comments about being tired from working hard himself and not wanting to drive and also concern about the budget for two expensive foods.

We both got annoyed with each other and his dysregulation triggered me, so a whole bpd rage ensued. We dealt with the bpd crisis itself well enough, we have been together a long time so plenty of experience. So now I'm reflecting and I feel pretty sure that it was probably an unreasonable request, especially as it was him that had to do the driving for me. But part of me is thinking, was it SUCH a bad request? When he was annoyed he made comments about me asking for a lot but I don't feel like that is asking for a lot. In fact it's the first time ever that I've made such a request so I felt that it was a 'for once I'm advocating for what I want even if it feels excessive and wrong, I'm allowed to be excessive one time as a one-off' so I was thrown by the one person (who usually encourages me to be more assertive) suddenly acting like I'm so demanding and spoiled.

I just don't know how to look at this with "wise mind" it just feels too subjective. I don't know what normal parameters are supposed to look like. Rereading it now I feel like I do sound demanding and spoiled. I do have a tendency to fixate on a food when I'm feeling sensitive and want it asap, which I attribute to the way impulsivity manifests for me. But I keep coming back to "there's people with bpd who have impulses towards dangerous extreme behaviour, all I asked for was sushi and steak...". I'm literally yoying between "I'm abusive" and "He's toxic". How can I know? Maybe I need to accept the grey that I don't need to know who was 'being unfair'? We both apologised to each other and agreed we didn't communicate well as a team. Thanks in advance for any advice!