Am I 33F staying out of guilt with my husband 31M?
I’m struggling to understand whether I’m trying to save my marriage because I truly want it, or because I’m scared to let it go.
My husband 31M and I 33F have been together for many years. Before we got married, we had a long breakup and when we got back together, I remember feeling unhappy and uncertain, even though I loved him. I also felt unhappy after he proposed, and throughout our relationship I had recurring doubts that I often pushed aside. My sisters recently reminded me that I questioned the relationship many times over the years, and honestly I had forgotten how often it happened.
Despite that, there were also many positives:
- friendship of some sort
- safety
- shared humor, in particular things
- care
- comfort
- history
- loyalty
- feeling seen, but not feeling knows
I genuinely do love him as a person.
The problem is that I often felt emotionally and romantically unfulfilled in ways I struggled to explain. I kept feeling like something fundamental was missing: attraction, emotional aliveness, excitement, emotional polarity, deep certainty, etc. I thought maybe I was overthinking, expecting too much, or sabotaging something good.
Even physically/intimately, things often felt one-sided to me. Our sex life lacked mutuality and emotional connection in ways that affected me deeply over time. For example, he rarely wanted to make out or engage in the kind of affectionate/romantic physical intimacy that made me feel desired and connected, and I think I normalized that for years even though it hurt me more than I admitted to myself.
Then my husband cheated 1 year into our marriage (kissed someone he met at the gym and then later admitted it to me. He also spoke to her of his struggles in our marriage instead of coming to me - he was so closed off from me at the time). After that, I eventually emotionally connected with someone else, and that relationship awakened feelings in me that made me realize how emotionally dormant I may have been for a long time.
Now my husband has changed dramatically. He’s emotionally aware in ways he never was before. He wants therapy, wants to fix his life, is fighting hard for the marriage, and says he now sees everything he couldn’t see before. He’s devastated at the possibility of losing me.
But I still feel conflicted.
Part of me wonders:
- Is this finally the relationship I always wanted, just delayed?
- Or are we fundamentally mismatched in ways that growth cannot fully fix?
- Can attraction and deep desire genuinely return after years of ambivalence?
- Am I grieving the relationship itself, or the loss of stability/history/family?
- Has anyone stayed after realizing their doubts existed long before the betrayal?
I feel guilty because he is genuinely trying now.
I’m not looking for “leave him” or “stay with him” comments. I’m more interested in hearing from people who experienced long-term chronic doubt/ambivalence in otherwise loving relationships, especially if things only changed after a crisis.
How did you know the difference between:
“I’m scared and avoidant”
vs
“This relationship may not truly be right for me”?
TLDR:
I’ve had recurring doubts about my marriage for years, even before getting engaged and married, despite genuinely loving my husband and there being many positives in the relationship. I often felt emotionally and physically unfulfilled, normalized a lack of intimacy/chemistry, and pushed my doubts aside. After he cheated, I connected with someone else and realized how emotionally dormant I may have been. Now my husband has changed dramatically and is genuinely trying to save the marriage, but I still feel conflicted and guilty. I’m trying to understand whether this is fear/avoidance on my part, or whether the relationship has always been fundamentally misaligned for me.