u/ImplementWilling2597

which makes my arms wider, I will never have a feminine figure and body, im having doubts about having my first surgery (vfs). I'm 35, I've been 2 years on hormones, my face feminized somewhat but I don't pass, I have been gendered correctly maybe 2 times over the past 2 years. I really don't know what to do. Am I making a mistake? Does it even matter? I feel like nothing matters and I'll be miserable no matter what. I'd say I want to die, but I don't really. I don't know what to do, I'm hopeless, I have no friends, no partner, no life, nothing to look forward to on a weekend or in a year or ten. Only miserable existence in a body I don't want with the only purpose being to keep that body alive, just to not make my mom sad.

I'm so fucking tired. Trans girl is having "random hr presentation about trans people and bathrooms" at work, and thinks she is stealth. I signaled i doubt it and that i think there was probably complaints from cis woman transphobe about the bathrooms. Yet everybody continued to fucking downvote me and report me. They cannot handle living in real world. There is so many uber clocky trans people who think they pass just because everyone around them is polite/scared to tell them the truth

I truly look like a man, even after 2 years of hormones, countless haircare and skincare routines and skincare cosmetic procedures, I still look 100% like a man if I put my hair back with a hair clip. If I don't try really hard, let my hair down, style it, wear feminine clothing, wear makeup, im basically 100% male. I don't think I will ever look female when I wake up in the morning. And that means it's basically a costume for me. And I don't want to feel that way. I will never go back to testosterone, I want to stay on estrogen for the rest of my life. But maybe I should stop hoping to pass and ever transition and just settle on failed transition, permanent boymode, identify as male use he/him pronouns, and just have tits. That sounds disgusting to be honest. But less so than being a man who cross dresses in public as some kind of disgusting public fetish. That's the thing I dread the most. Also I just hate the look of conflicting gender signals creating dissonance. I think it just looks super ugly. And I don't want to be that.

it's full of cartoon drawings of cute girls in short skirts, it's full of puppy kinks, full of fetish and sexualisation to be honest. I'm so tired and disgusted by this. I understand they have sexuality i do too everybody does, but you don't have to fucking make random strangers a part of it. i understand they suffer from hypersexuality but that's not an excuse to just gleefully dive head first into it. I mean they can do whatever they want but i don't want to be seen as a disgusting pervert and because of these people are so common in our community everybody gets their rep.

I see a nice comment like "you look nice" or you are "beautiful" then I look at their profile and they have either outright crusty disgusting porn content, or are active in one of several fetish subs or just look like a fucking loser outcast. Or are fucking radical or alt conservatives, and have wild takes.

Some of them decide to text me on reddit, like "you pass, you are beautiful btw are you single". Like wtf you gonna do, you gonna fly ur crusty creepy ass to Europe? And then find out I'm also gross and ugly irl? In whole 2 years there has been only one person who texted me who I found hot, and I couldn't believe it wasn't a catfish so I ignored him. Most of these fucking chasers have blank accounts.

And it's not like they see me as a woman anyway, they just get a boner from seeing a feminized man. And that's because they are fucking reppers and instead of having the courage to explore their own gender identity they use others to get sad sexual gratification and not explore themselves. The are not interested in an actual relationship.

I feel like I'm disgusting and ugly enough that I actually attract only people like that and that it is a way of universe of telling me to know my place, and that place being among the people I really don't want to be among.

I'm just so grossed out by these people and by myself. I don't have neither body nor life I want. I wish I could just fucking stop existing. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

I hate that I can make a relatively decent selfie, but when I look in the mirror I look like a disgusting Shrek. After 2 years of hormones, laser, skincare, haircare, I still look like 100% male. And I can't even say it because of all the hugboxxing online just completely dismisses and invalidates it. I am a permanent boymodder and I have no hopes of ever actually feeling treated as a woman by the society. I really don't like being the sort of person who is obviously male and dressing in obviously female clothing, I think it looks ugly and I don't want the harassment that also comes with it.

After two years of estrogen and androgen blocker and a year of ssri I find most porn disgusting. My body still functions without fail, gives me a lot of dysphoria, but personal time doesn't feel anywhere close as good, if I even get there and not get distracted or disgusted or give up trying.

Meanwhile I look like chubby feminine boy with some gynecomastia. I boy mode all the time because I don't want to be pointed by fingers and laughs out loud. I know I don't pass.

Nothing good came of my transition. I would regret it but I hated trying to be a man even more. I literally got the worst deal. I'm more dysphoric than ever. When I see cis women or trans women who transitioned early, with their wide hips, narrow arms, small hands and feet, large eyes, soft facial structure, I just wanna KMS.

I don't think I can enjoy life as a man or a non-passing trans woman. Everything is meaningless. I have no motivation to keep living. I just want to stay in bed until I rot away or something. I don't know what to do. I can't KMS because my mom is still alive and she would be sad, also I don't the balls to do it even tho I do have balls but I wish I didn't. Don't send me the fucking concerned Redditor thing, or do whatever I don't care, I know terfs weaponize but honestly we dgaf.