u/Important-Gap5696

So, full honesty, I have a history of a codependent relationship with my ex husband/best friend. I came out and we've been best friends ever since. That was about 20 years ago. I didn't leave him because I came out, but, because I became the caretaker. I have worked really hard for that kind of relationship not to reoccur and ended up in a weird situation with my last relationship, since she wanted me to be codependent/the taker and I refused. I maintain I prefer my independence and don't want to rely on anyone, but I do let people help me when I need it, and I try and keep healthy boundaries with helping others.

Something weird happened in January though when I met someone who had told me they were from another state and had no friends, and then their marriage blew up and they ended up locked out. It sounded like a toxic marriage from the way they framed it, but I was very cautious with them because I only heard what their spouse did wrong, and nothing about the before or after. I know this is a flag from another situation I've been it.

Well, I took a sarcastic comment from a friend wrong (you should invite them to stay at your home! you have room!), and I invited them. I learned really recently this was sarcasm. Anyway, this person started opening up to me and telling me about all the things they had going on. I had no problem helping someone escape a situation temporarily until they got on their feet and felt it was fine, until they returned home.

Then things blew up in their marriage again, and apparently the spouse went home and wanted a divorce. I just ignored it for a while, I said my goodbyes and set a boundary and intended on going back to normal. They reached out eventually and told me what was going on and ended up at a show I was at and basically hit me up.

Anyway, I said my part and I left them alone, and they kept hinting they were depressed, and I was a moderator in the group, so I tried to keep them from putting it in the chat and leant an ear to them. I then tried to be a friend to them, within reason. I was keeping good boundaries. Then they lost their job. And I don't know what happened, I just started going into overdrive being the helper.

This went on for a while, and I did step back in April because I felt like I was being fed some bullshit, but I suddenly like...couldn't? I started getting jealous when they'd talk to other people and such and after some reflection, I realized I felt super unsupported by them while I was going through a difficult time, and still felt expected to rescue them (otherwise they'd go on a guilt trip brigade in chat). I started getting ultra burnt out, and I told them I didn't have the capacity to be their emotional support person anymore, but they instantly started being solemn and aloof around me while still being fun and goofy with others. Naturally I was done with that nonsense at that point, but I remained overly mad and "stuck" on the situation.

So to complicate things, I found out through neuropsych eval that I am auDHD very recently and this could be partially due to how my brain works (monotropic thinking). I know that can complicate things, but at least the whole giver/caretaker thing is something I can help on my own. I don't know if one thing interacts with the other and makes it more likely or what.

Anyway, I ended up having a huge meltdown in public at them and doing some really stupid shit that I regretted immediately. I don't know. What the hell am I doing. I've done the work, I am not sure what's going on. Is this still codependency?

I went no contact with the person and stepped down and left my server about 2 months ago. I did send them an apology for the way I acted and let them know that I didn't want to reconnect with them. But....I am feeling guilty? And think I should ask them if they want to talk? Ever since I realized that I was becoming codependent with them. Our parting was very much, not good. But the server owner, who wants me to come back, said that he said he knew I was different, and said it would work itself out. I don't feel very confident in that.

I guess I'm half venting and half asking for advice here. Any other viewpoint helps, even if it's just calling me nuts. I don't know what I should do. Leave it? Because I miss my friends, but I can't go back unless he and I come to an agreement to be cordial.

EDIT: The problem is that I am ASD/ADHD and the group is centered around a special interest of mine, which is local music. I explained a bit in the comments, but, I can't permanently drop my group and walk away, and they all don't know what's going on and want me to come back (I left and have skipped shows because this person showed up). I am worried about the past codependency and the tension between me and the person because of how things were left, and if it is in my best interest to reach out and try to come up with a way we can be cordial with each other. We will run into each other in real life and I have been avoiding my special interest due to them and I have no right to push them out because they haven't done anything wrong here.

It's called monotropism. That is why I get stuck and I can't let things go. Why they keep coming back up. I am sorry, I did not know these things about myself until a week ago.

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I finally put it together. I had "an apostrophe" and I told S about it. I said I wanted to reach out and clear the air but I knew it was a terrible idea. S said I didn't need to say anything to you, S said "he knows you're different".

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I realized we were codependent friends. I was the giver, and that is why I freaked out and ended things. I have been in a codependent relationship before. I knew your marriage was the same and you were the giver. Incidentally, I turned into the giver when you started to struggle. I didn't want to be that, my brain picked up on it and rebelled. And I couldn't explain why I was so angry, but I tried, and I failed to communicate effectively what was going on. I couldn't quite make the words click. That was my fault.

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You did try and reach out and be a little emotionally supportive to me at the bbq place, and I didn't give you credit, but I had already shut down, and was trying to detach. I still did not have the words. I should have just said I need space until I can process this all, and left it there. You needed a directness that I was unable to put together while emotionally and mentally exhausted. My skills regressed under the strain of burnout and I crumbled into my most basic instinct when I want someone to go away. I didn't understand what was happening to myself outside of knowing I was mad and yet still unable to stop helping. Anger, and the communication and behavioral skills of a 2nd grader, that's all I had access to. Either way, I knew for certain we couldn't have a healthy friendship. I have a lot of guilt for doing that still, but, I am coming to terms with it. And I am sincerely sorry.

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I am not going to worry about what you meant by I'm "different", but it sounds like you are not angry about what happened, or at least understood something wasn't the same as you've encountered before. The opposite would be the same. Maybe one day we'll be at the same show again and I'll have a chance to communicate this all like an adult. I assume you don't need it. Maybe I can go back into my friend group eventually without it being awkward. But, hearing that was all I needed to move on. Thank you for not assuming the worst of me when I was at my worst.

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And I am still sorry that I was vulnerable to codependency dynamics and it screwed up our friendship. I am working on that as my primary focus now.

Someone sent me a message, and I thought about it. Why do I care so much? Yeah, that's fair. I am alone a lot. I wanted to be wanted for once. I am disappointed that nobody does anymore.

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Though secretly, I wouldn't know how to tell.

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And I am afraid to open myself up ever again.

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I am starved for affection from safe people. It turned out, though, that you were not safe. At least not for me.

There. I am gone. You can have it. You won't even see this version of me again. Take care of yourself.

Not this time. Nothing you could say or do would change my mind. I have said my part. It was high time to Kondo myself out of the room, because you suck the joy right out of it.

I forgive you and grant you grace without conditions.

I genuinely wish you clarity and happiness in your future relationships.

(Yall. This comes after months of trying to clarify boundaries with this person. I am sick of having this exact thing deleted then having them act like they are still buddy buddy with me. I am giving myself closure here, because they would just delete this one too. Please.)

152,

I lied to you.

The way you flirted so aggressively early on. The way you described how you show interest in someone. The way you admitted without admitting you tried to hook me in. The look on your face, staring blankly at me for what seemed like eternity before security ushered you off. What were you wanting to say? You wanted a friend.

I tried to help you out man, I really did. I knew you were going through a hard time. But something just wasn't right. You kept hinting in front of the group like you wanted them to think something more was going on.Then you lied the first time. While looking in my eyes no less.

So I lied back. I made it up. I never wanted to actually kiss you. I didn't want you to touch me either. I was pretty sure that was mutual, but I had to know for sure. And I wanted to make it amply clear that I wanted the weirdness in front of everyone to stop. It worked, you stopped.

But I somehow left you thinking I ever wanted you. I didn't. I'm sorry, I know how messed up my lie was. And I'm paying for it now because you refuse to let it go. I get so frustrated because no matter how many times I tried, you wouldn't hear me say that I don't want you that way.

It ruined our chance at having a friendship, it was immature. I was an idiot. I am sorry.

I never had feelings for you, all I had was guilt.