u/ImpossibleMix3287

Ich habe nach dem Abi versucht ein Studium im Bundesdienst zu bekommen, aber habe es nicht reingeschafft bei der HS Bund, Bundesbank, Bundesagentur für Arbeit, Bundeszentralamt für Steuern. Aus der Not heraus habe ich dann Jura studiert, abgebrochen und dann eine Ausbildung als Justizfachangestellter absolviert. Es war mehr eine Notlösung, weil ich gefühlt sonst nichts anderes bekommen habe.

Jetzt ist die Wirtschaftslage natürlich katastrophal und ich wollte wissen wie schwierig es ist im Moment einen Dualen Studienplatz zu bekommen und mein Profil ist anscheinend etwas erklärungsbedürftig.

Ich hatte letztes Jahr ein Gespräch (Kommunalverwaltung) und ich würde quasi gefragt warum ich mich denn mit einer Ausbildung als JFA zufrieden gegeben habe und mich jetzt erst für ein Studium bewerbe. Das ich damals überall abgelehnt wurde, war keine gute Antwort (ist mir auch klar, aber ich wusste nicht, was ich sonst sagen sollte).

Das mag eine dumme Frage sein, aber ich habe mit 24 in meinem Leben nie ein Praktikum gemacht und eigentlich scheint es mir, dass das für die meisten Menschen eine ganz normale Erfahrung im (Arbeits-)Leben ist.

Ich habe nur im Einzelhandel und in der Verwaltung gearbeitet, erst neben dem Studium, dann statt dem Studium. Das ich Dinge ausprobieren wollte um mich zu orientieren, war ich den Firmen schon zu alt. (Nachdem ich nach dem Alter gefragt wurde oder welche "Schulstufe" ich den besuche, habe ich auf meine Antwort nie eine Einladung oder sonstwas erhalten).

Dementsprechend habe ich mich damit abgefunden, dass das nichts wird. Aber es würde mich halt interessieren was Leute so für Erfahrungen gemacht haben positiv wie negativ und ob ich jetzt wirklich was verpasst habe oder nicht.

I thought maybe I could make more Out of my Life and start a Work Programme in another country.

I went to a Test, aced that, Made IT through the whole application process until the Last step.

IT was an Assesment Center and they told me today I would do an Presentation, then a Interview and then a roleplay.

I travelled 6 hours for this.

I Had 45 mins to prepare. I couldn't do anything for the presentations allthough i knew enough about the topic and I was prepared so well. I couldn't do it. When the Person came.in again to get me, I Said I couldn't make it. And when they offered to Just Talk, I Just said I need to Go. I was really excited for this opportunity.

I know again why I don't Hope or don't try things. I will stay at my deadend Job in my Home country now. I am sorry for going above my station, world. I will never do that again.

Told my mom I love her and can't make it to my nephews Birthday Party. Wished my (ex) best friend a Happy Birthday. Apologized for cancelling the plans we Had. I mean I surely could write some more people, I also thought about writing Letters, but I am just so tired.

I think I did everything I Had to and I Just don't want to live another day. I tryed Killing myself through overeating, but I will need a quicker way if I don't wanna survive the night.

I don't know If I want this to be the last thing I wrote and put Out into the world, but it doesn't really matter in the end I guess. Thank you for Reading, my probably last thoughts I shared with the world.

I dunno if we even are best friends anymore. She said she wanted more time for herself, but kept spending time with other people and going to big events while she she canceled our plans.

When we drank in a bigger group at some point she Just talked to another person and said things like "I Love X and X Person" and she never said that to me during our whole friendship. At some point I just crawled in a corner by myself and when I wanted to leave and didn't want to talk to her anymore, she didn't care. When I told her I was hurt by her comment that she is slowly getting closer to that other person than me, she just ignored that.

She hugged him goodbye and when it was just the two of us she was like "Until..." thinking about when we will see each other next time and I just dismissed her with a "we will see each other when we see us." and just turned my back at her. I turned around at some point and looked back, but I didn't see her anymore (I still hope she didn't have a Panic Attack or anything similiar).

I guess part of me wished she would try to follow me and talk to me. Havent heard from her since and I am afraid I am just gonna crawl back and get myself hurt over and over again until the other person has enough of me and drops me entirely.

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A friend told me she needs some Space, so I Said okay and never wrote her again. Another one wanted to meet Up today, I canceled. And all these people inviting me to Stuff and me weasling Out of it, just so I can stay miserable at Home and do Nothing with my Life (If I at least would BE productive and Not Beat myself Up alone at Home).

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Now I am lonely again, but maybe that is for the better. Nobody can hurt me as bad this way. I could quit my Job and Stop therapy too. Then I wouldnt need to leave the House at all anymore. I know it's Not a good Idea, but the option to become a hermit IS Just so alluring.

1. Duh.

2. I am not trying anything anymore in all facads of Life:

Career: I hate my Job, but I won't get the Energy to actually Change anything about it other than maybe quitting entirely and being unemployed again.

Place of Living: I am moving from my countries capital to a small town, which never was my dream, but I couldn't afford more. The commute to my aformentioned job that I hate will be over an hour.

Studies: I am giving Up on my third university degree (No debt thanks to free Higher education).

Romance: My Last relationship is so Long ago that I get so bitter over my Friends in Relationships, which makes me Mad at myself.

Friends: Yeah I got them for now. But people always get oit Off by my antics and tired of how boring I am. I am also way too jealous cause of my insecurity, I Sometimes even suspect my best friend making out with random Guys and she is a lesbian. Yeah, I am terrible and should be alone.

Therapy: 25 sessions in and while my therapist seems good and all, I am really going nowhere. I guess I am a terrible Patient.

Life trajectory: What now?

Over the Last few days I lost my Phone at a mall, forgot my sunglasses at a Friends House and today I realized I left the stove on for 24 hours in my new flat (I am moving).

I am supposed to start a "new" (worked there before) job tomorrow and I Just can't handle everything. I also gained an insane amount of weight while being unemployed and Look awful and feel even worse (physically and mentally). I have a very demanding social Life. I have No Idea what I want to do with my future and all these Things just pile Up and Show me I am not ready for Life as an adult and probably will never be.

I don't want to start the Job tomorrow and Just sleep and wake Up to realize my whole life has Just been a bad dream so far.