u/Impossible_Party952

Hey, so this isn't the first time I've been in this subreddit. But last time I was i was kinda set in being Trans. Some time past and I kinda past it off as a phase, but recently I've been feeling like I wouldn't mind if u was Trans. But idk to the full extent how much I feel like I want to be a woman. I like being a guy, im pretty confident in my body and I dont mind being shirtless or showing off my legs. But idk why but every time I think of dress up like a girl again or becoming one, I get a funny feeling, like excitement or fear.

So I ask of these community, what am I feeling. And whatever I am feeling how do i go about it.

Im not okay. I haven't been for awhile. 16m, and I have a pretty good life. I have many good close friends who i know care about me and a have a loving family. I have my sisters who love me with all their heart snd I know they'd do anything for me. But even with all this, I feel so alone. I wanna not love anymore. I don't wanna die but living is so tiring. And I hate myself more and more every time I realized how well off I am, how good of a life i have and yet still feel the way I do. I really hate myself, I hate how I look. How I act, I hate how I sound, how I move, how I walk. I haye how unfunny I am, I hate how stupid I can be. I hate me. I hate that I feel like shit everyday, I haye that when I hear other people's stories about how and why they feel like how I do, ther life completely sucks and is nothing like mine. I haye how I feel like shit with a life that gives me everything. I hate feeling like this. Why do I have to always make it about me. Why can't I just shut up and grow up. Why can't I just stop. Im the only son in my family so I've always grown up kinda alone. I have five sisters, one of which is younger by two years. I love all of them, so much. I know they love me to. They know that I've had mental problems before and are still dealing with it, they tell me all the time to come to them when I needed it. But I can't; i won't. My friends know about my mental issues, and how I've been suicidal before, they let me know how much they care, how much impact I make. My parents know about my suicidal thoughts from the past, they tell me to never be scared, to ask for help when I need it. I know how loved I am, I know how lucky I am, I know. But I can't help but feel like the world would be better without me. I can't help but feel like killing myself. I can't help but hope I die. I can't help but wish for others to forget me so I could at least have a reason to kill myself. When its late, and im alone with my thoughts I can't help but think why i feel so alone. Why feel so small, weak and pathetic. Why. Should be happy, I should be glad, I shouldn't be feeling like this but I am. Why am I so fucking pathetic. Why.