u/Independent-Insect21

(ex uses he/they pronouns)

so, my ex of a year and a half and i broke up almost a month ago. the first week, i was in shambles. i was the one begging, crying, pleading. we broke up bc we’re simply too different. we were hurting each other, but never on purpose. he lacks a filter, and can say some very crude things without really thinking about it. i am someone who gets very knives-up whenever a man minorly inconveniences me, so i was snapping at him a lot for that. i have ocd and lots and lots of paranoia, and for a lot of our relationship, i pretty much had him under a microscope and would just pick him apart out of fear that he was some horrible evil person and i just didn’t know.

all of that being said, we never fought. our conversation skills were top notch, and i had grown and changed for the better. they did too, but not as quickly or as much as i needed them to. so, in the end, it just didn’t work. at one point, he ended up accidentally traumatizing me, and it took me a little while to move past that. they had done everything right in the aftermath of that event, but y’know, the damage was done.

now, i’m looking towards a brighter future for myself. i’m focusing on getting a job, moving out to the city, and pursuing my dream career. i’m incredibly excited. i realized that i made all of my hopes and dreams take a backseat while in this relationship. he was very supportive of my goals, but i didn’t have time to even think about them because i was so focused on this relationship. so not only did i never talk about my dreams, i didn’t even think of them.

i was accommodating for the fact that he doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life, so i was kinda convinced that i didn’t really know what to do with my life either, because i was happy with him and i chose that over my dreams.

now, i’m left wondering if it’s even possible for things to change enough for us to get back together while pursuing my dreams. even if our dreams don’t align, i wonder if we could put the work in without having to sacrifice so much.

i know that the answer is to move on. i will be doing that regardless of if we get back together or not. i won’t accept him back into my life if i don’t see enough change, and i certainly won’t accept him back into my life if i haven’t already moved on, if that makes sense? like i need to move on before we can ever even consider starting over. i know that i can’t count on someone to change, i know. but i still want to know if it’s a possibility.

for a little more context, he’s kind of stuck in this loop of self-loathing. he has an idea of the person that he wants to be, but instead of using that idea as motivation to improve, he uses it as further proof that he’s actually the worst person ever and only pushes himself down. he’s great at taking criticism, great at apologizing, great at conversation-making, but has trouble taking action to move forward. nobody can break him out of that cycle other than himself. he is capable of great change, because the difference between him now and him two-three years ago is genuinely night and day!! he was suicidal, and went to rehab for that, and came out of it an entirely new person with a fresh and new outlook on life. so he can change, he’s just not allowing himself to.

so, i guess i’m just asking for some stories. have u or anyone u know been through something similar, and were they able to start over with their ex?

my ex and i broke up almost a month ago. this past month has been genuinely hellish, i thought he was the genuine love of my life. a part of me still does. but, as we’ve been apart, i’ve been detaching. it’s been peaceful. the realization that i can live without him is so intensely bittersweet, like it almost pains me that i’m happy.

we didn’t have a bad relationship. we loved each other very much (and still do), but were just fundamentally incompatible. we had very different hobbies, interests, visions of the future, aspirations, and love languages. our personalities just could not mesh well in the long run.

i was so insanely stressed in that relationship, not because of mistreatment necessarily, but because of certain traumas that our clashing personalities would consistently trigger.

i changed a lot in this relationship. he changed some as well, but it was never enough. i could genuinely tell he was trying, too. not like that thing that guys do where they say “oh but i’m trying, pls just give me another chance,” he never did that. when he wronged me, he just apologized, took accountability, and moved forward. he’s just stuck in a loop of hating himself so much that he prevents himself from becoming the person that he wants to be, in all aspects of his life.

so now, i’m finding myself hurting that i actually AM happy/better off without him, because i really wanted this to work. a part of me still hopes that we can make it work in a couple month’s time, after some growth and change. but i can’t hold onto that hope, even if it is realistically a possibility. if i continue to acknowledge that possibility, it’s the only possibility i’ll want to look at.

so, i ask u guys to share some positive post-breakup stories, so i can allow myself to be hopeful i guess? whether u guys never got back together and u moved on for the better, or some time passed and u gave it another shot and it worked, share some stories w me pls!

first post :3

ofc, i am a stranger to u guys, and so is my ex. but i figured y’all would have some knowledge on this situation that is very worthy of listening to. but bc y’all don’t know us, i’m gna have to give u the wholeeee story, so i apologize for how long this is

(btw: ex uses he/they pronouns, so i will use those interchangeably. also he has been in therapy for years and is on a cocktail of meds, so keep this in mind)

so, this guy is my first love, and i am his. we got together in november 2024, and broke up in very late april 2026. he broke up w me bc he thought that we are fundamentally very different ppl and that we cannot mesh well in the long run. that is valid, and i sort of agree. here’s why:

i was actually the one to initiate some sort of break/breakup in the first place. abt a month prior to this, they unintentionally traumatized me and i had to sit and process that for a little while. basically, they generally lack an understanding of what’s socially unacceptable to do or say, and that was an issue that we’d run into. when confronted abt it, he would apologize sincerely and make an effort to change, but y’know, some ppl just lack a filter i guess. one time, he was pushing my buttons and playing around w me, and he gently placed his hand on the base of my neck and softly shook me around so as to tease me without hurting me. but ofc, that’s more emotionally painful than it is physically painful. i was left deeply shaken up by this, and any kind of consolation they tried to give me was not working (y’all know how panic attacks work).

so, i gave it a week, and then i came back and we had a rlly nice and long conversation abt how this experience highlighted a toxic pattern of behavior in that i needed to change: that being that he is someone that is unaware of how many toes he’s stepping on, and i’m someone who screams and cries when my toe gets stepped on. (not to blame myself for this at all, that’s just how it is. i get very knives-up when ppl hurt me, and that has always scared him a little.) it was a lovely conversation, and things changed for the better!

but, then my dad became manic, and one of my biggest triggers is when men show any level of anger and/or violence (i am physically safe, do not worry!). on top of that, i learned of my dad’s violent past on the same day that my (now-ex) bf did that to me. so that made it harder to process/deal w the trauma of what he did, no matter how supportive he was being.

i was so insanely stressed out, my nervous system was genuinely on fire, so to look at all of the work that he and i would need to do to move forward made me even more stressed. i needed some time to myself. i knew that a break/breakup of some sorts was necessary, but i wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. so, i asked him if i could have a week or two to myself to heal so then i could come back and tackle these problems. he told me “i respect that, but this feels like a temporary bandage to a deeper issue.” i was very relieved. we decided to go our separate ways, but play it by ear to see if we were willing to get back together.

at first, i was down for that, but within a week, i the space that we took (not no-contact, but limited) apart from each other allowed me to take a breather and realize that with some time, those problems that i was stressed over in the first place were ones that i would’ve been able to work around. so, i suggested that we have an end goal to get back together within the next couple months.

however, we made the very bad decision of having that conversation over the phone after midnight. i laid out my plan, and he didn’t like it. he was concerned that in that timeframe, one of us would change our minds. that is a valid concern. however, i was of the mindset that if that were to happen, we would just be honest and talk abt it. emotions were very high, and both of us were very stubborn, and the conversation was not getting anywhere. we have NEVER fought, but that night we got close to. i was panicking, looking for every possible way i could make them stay w me, and just began to beg. he opened up to me and told me that he was also panicking and that these high-stress conversations were triggering for him, and admitted that he was afraid of hurting me bc of it (and also bc i was in a vulnerable state.) that severely triggered me, and i snapped at him. i told him that that was a disgusting thing to say, or to even think abt, and they immediately apologized and retreated.

as i talked it out w a friend, i was able to calm down and understand that what he was saying was not a genuine reflection of his character, and i apologized (although i never downplayed how it made me feel, never do that for a man!). the whole day, he was in a very timid state, and then later that day, we broke up for real. i do know that he was already leaning more towards breaking up, but i also think that he is going through some sort of an episode right now and that absolutely had something to do with the way he went abt breaking up w me.

as he was breaking up w me, he went over all his main points: he thinks we’re fundamentally incompatible, and that we are unable to work thru our problems together. he also would prioritize my needs over his own for a lot of our relationship, so there was some built-up frustration/resentment over time. valid points! although, i was frustrated, bc i felt as if we were not trying hard enough. i suggested couple’s counseling to help hold us accountable and move us forward, but we never got to do that, bc he broke up w me lol.

but then he kept saying things like “just bc i’m closing this door now doesn’t mean i can’t open it again in the future!”, “i know this is a selfish question, but if some time were to pass and i were to change my mind and come crawling back to u, would u hold this against me?” and was insisting that our bond would not change it all and we would still be the best of friends and share all of our secrets and be ride or die for each other.

he believes that he is unable to change enough for me, which is definitely a result of both me having kinda held him under a microscope and picked him apart for a lot of our relationship (i have ocd, ptsd, bipolar 2 and am unmedicated and used to pick apart every little thing he’d do and say to me out of sheer paranoia, which made it harder to differentiate when he actually did something wrong vs when my ocd was acting up), and him being in a self-loathing cycle that stunts and of his growth.

he thinks that i want and expect him to change overnight, which is completely not true. i just want to see the little things change, and i have! i have made this clear w him. he is strong, he is resilient, and the difference between him now vs him 2-3 years ago is GENUINELY night and day, so i feel like he’s just giving up.

that is not fair to me. he is a very reserved person, and i’m the only person in his life right now that he has a super close connection with. so, this makes me feel like he’s trying to push me away bc things got too hard and he wants to run away and not deal w the stress of a committed relationship, but still keep what i provide for him (a close human connection) in his life. this is why i worry for a push-pull dynamic to form.

so, i’ve been no-contact for 5 days now, and plan on continuing it. i do not want to validate his ‘push’ behavior by chasing after him and begging. now, i’m just confused and disappointed. this behavior is very out of character for him, as his bpd was never rlly a prevalent issue in our relationship at all. our relationship was very stable. no mood swings, no fights, lots of healthy communication and love for one another.

now i’m hurt and deeply betrayed. i can’t help but feel like he’s going to sense my absence and come running back to me, and if that happens i would still probably say yes, but establish some pretty hard and clear boundaries.

what do u guys think i should do here? obviously go no-contact, as i’ve been doing. either way, the cycle will be broken. whether it’s by me cutting him off, or him changing. do u think it’s possible for him to take accountability and change for the better? for context: nothing like this has ever happened before, and he has always take accountability for his wrongdoings and moved forwards. this is why i’m more confused here.

i suppose i’ll just cross that bridge when i get there