u/Independent-Sky-5016

If you have children, how old are they and how involved are you with raising them? I was thinking about how society has shifted, at least in the US, to expect more involvement from fathers other than just providing financial stability. I'm curious what this actually means on a day to day basis and how it has changed throughout childhood as well, i.e. were you less involved when your child was an infant, etc?

No wrong answers, genuinely interested in what the current state is out there!

I'll start by saying that when I met my husband, he was an incredibly generous and thoughtful and considerate person. He had areas that weren't the most amazing, like, for example, he's not exactly the cleanest and he can sometimes lack initiative. But I always felt that he was very kind to me and would basically do whatever I asked him to do, for the most part.

Fast forward a few years and we've now been married and lived together for a little under two years and we have an eight-month-old child. Ever since the baby was born, I feel like he and I have gotten into this horrible scorekeeping dynamic. And if I'm honest, I probably did start it. And this may have come out of me feeling like I'm doing more than him around the house. The problem now is that we are both in this dynamic and it's just exhausting and I'm not exactly sure how to get out of it. I feel like if I stop the scorekeeping, I'm just going to feel resentful. And I'm not sure that he'll change.

I feel like we are always trying to see how much the other person cares or appreciates the other and neither really feels like the other cares or sees them. Our relationship just feels very transactional at this point.

I guess my question is, how do I stop scorekeeping without it increasing my resentment? And how do we stop being so transactional? I would ask this from a standpoint of what can I do about it since I doubt a conversation with my husband will be beneficial at this point, as he's likely to point out that I scorekeep and list all the things he does around the house.

tl;dr - husband and I scorekeep and it makes the relationship exhausting. Its getting exhausting and excessively transactional.