My boyfriend got upset because male classmates greet me with high fives 19F 22M
I am 19F and my boyfriend is 22M. We have been together for over a year. We live in a dormitory, but in separate rooms, although we used to live together before - that’s a different story. We study at the same university.
Today before class one male and one female classmate came up to me saying “Oh, Katya!” I hugged the girl and gave the guy a high five. My boyfriend immediately made a sarcastic comment like “Looks like you trained them to greet you like that,” but at first I didn’t even understand what he meant.
Later I went to class to write a module test and I was nervous about it. I texted him saying the professor still hadn’t arrived and that I was scared, and he replied: “You can spend the time teaching everyone else to give you high fives.”
After the test I hugged him, but he reacted coldly. Then he started again, asking what exactly I do during classes that guys come up to me saying “Oh, Katya” and greeting me with high fives. He kept saying things like “Maybe go give everyone else high fives too.” I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to start a conflict.
Later we went to the cafeteria and I saw another male classmate. He’s very introverted and we’ve barely spoken during the entire time I’ve been at university, so naturally we don’t greet each other. My boyfriend immediately started saying: “So you greet those guys, but not him?” At that point I got irritated and said there’s nothing wrong with classmates greeting me.
Then our argument continued on Telegram.
He said:
“Well then go date them.
Let them help you.
Go to the cafeteria with them.”
I replied:
“What does that have to do with anything? A classmate came up and greeted me. We’re not best friends, we don’t hang out privately, it’s literally just basic politeness. What’s wrong with you?”
He said:
“Random girls don’t come up to greet me like that.
And I’ve never seen guys greet girls that way.
People greet each other with their hands only when they’re friends.
So go be friends with them.”
I said:
“You greet people who aren’t your friends too.”
He replied:
“Every time we pass one of your classmates it’s always ‘Oh, Katya.’
I’m tired of it too.”
I told him:
“Why did you even start dating me if you already saw from the beginning that I greet guys normally? Even before we were dating, I greeted you and other guys at the dorm casually because everyone was hanging out together.”
I also said:
“I study in person at university and I’ve known these people for two years. What’s so terrible about classmates coming up to say hi? I genuinely don’t understand.”
He answered:
“It’s one thing to just say hi.
If he only said hi, no problem.
But running up with an outstretched hand?”
I said:
“What’s so wrong about giving someone a high five? You didn’t study full-time in person at university, you don’t even know what that environment is like.”
He replied:
“What difference does it make? I studied too. We hung out, went for pizza and picnics, but people didn’t act like that.”
Then he asked whether another quiet female classmate of mine also gets greeted that way, and I said yes, one guy greets her like that too.
He still insisted:
“Everyone greets you like this.”
What’s a good way to communicate with a jealous partner in situations like this?
Here’s a small continuation of our conversation on Telegram. He suggested that we go together to a farmer’s market (we were sleeping in separate dorm rooms at that time).
I wrote to him:
“Men are everywhere — at university, at work, everywhere. I’m not going to isolate myself or stop being polite to my classmates. I don’t see anything wrong with communication.
You can also talk to people and greet them.
That’s normal.”
Him:
“Your communication is somehow too friendly with everyone.
Whoever passes by is drawn to you.”
Me:
“No, you’re creating a problem where there isn’t one.
Doesn’t it make you happy that I communicate well with people and that they’re happy to greet me?”
Him:
“When random guys are happy to greet you, it makes me question why they’re so happy to greet you.
So no, it doesn’t make me happy.
They’re not happy to greet you for no reason.”
Me:
“They’re just people, my classmates.
I’m a normal person who can hold a conversation with others. What’s wrong with that?”
Him:
“You love them so much.
Always defending your little classmates.”
Me:
“You saw what I was like before we started dating, because I communicated the same way with you and greeted people near the dorm while hanging out with friends.”
Him:
“You always stand up for your classmates.”
Me:
“I’m defending my right to communicate.
Yes, because for me it’s important to have the right to talk to and greet other people.”
Him:
“How do you even communicate with them that you’re so popular among them?”
Me:
“It’s just normal communication within university, what popularity?
What’s so bad about it?
Didn’t you go to school or did you forget what it’s like?”
//// I specifically mentioned school because, most of his university years were spent in distance learning.
Him:
“So every random dude passing by shakes your hand and says hi?
Back in school, we didn’t greet every girl by shaking hands. Maybe only one girl we were actually close with.
Not every single one.”
“I’m not against communication.
I already told you that yesterday.
But this whole high-five thing is bullshit, and I’m not going to accept it.”
“But I’m used to the fact that you don’t care about my opinion.
You always do whatever you want.
You can never listen to me if our opinions are different.”
“So do whatever you want.
You always do anyway.
Do it.”
“But understand that when a man feels his opinions and requests are completely ignored, over time he may realize he doesn’t need a relationship where he isn’t heard and isn’t respected at all.”
“What does a boyfriend/husband even need with a strong, independent woman?
I guess someone like that doesn’t need a man at all.”