u/IndividualFeeling718

I’m a 20-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my 21-year-old boyfriend for six months. Our relationship is oriented towards long term.

Our relationship is honestly great. He’s kind, honest, communicates with me, and we’re both experiencing our first serious relationship.

The thing is, I had no sexual history before him. He knew that sex was something very meaningful to me and that I wanted my first time to be with someone I genuinely loved and felt safe with. Before we started dating, he was completely honest and told me that he had a sexual past, and even told me to think about whether I was comfortable being with someone who had that history.

He had three sexual partners before me, but they were all one-time hookups. I only learned his exact body count recently (because I was curious and started asking questions), and for some reason, it made me feel insecure and jealous.

I think part of me struggles because I’ve never experienced casual sex. I find myself thinking, If I had a sexual past too, maybe I wouldn’t care about this so much.

He has reassured me multiple times that those experiences meant nothing to him emotionally and that he doesn’t think about those women anymore.

I think my biggest insecurity is honestly the idea that someone who has been comfortable having casual sex before might have a harder time seeing sex as something serious or meaningful in a relationship. I know that isn’t necessarily rational, especially because his actions toward me have shown me the opposite, and he told me that he did a lot of work on himself.

I feel kind of stupid because everything is going well, and he has given me no reason not to trust him. I think I’m struggling more with the fact that I can’t relate to his past than with the past itself.
Has anyone else experienced this, especially being with someone whose sexual history is different from yours? How did you get past the insecurity?

I’m a 20-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my 21-year-old boyfriend for six months. Our relationship is oriented towards long term.

Our relationship is honestly great. He’s kind, honest, communicates with me, and we’re both experiencing our first serious relationship.

The thing is, I had no sexual history before him. He knew that sex was something very meaningful to me and that I wanted my first time to be with someone I genuinely loved and felt safe with. Before we started dating, he was completely honest and told me that he had a sexual past, and even told me to think about whether I was comfortable being with someone who had that history.

He had three sexual partners before me, but they were all one-time hookups. I only learned his exact body count recently (because I was curious and started asking questions), and for some reason, it made me feel insecure and jealous.

I think part of me struggles because I’ve never experienced casual sex. I find myself thinking, If I had a sexual past too, maybe I wouldn’t care about this so much.

He has reassured me multiple times that those experiences meant nothing to him emotionally and that he doesn’t think about those women anymore.

I think my biggest insecurity is honestly the idea that someone who has been comfortable having casual sex before might have a harder time seeing sex as something serious or meaningful in a relationship. I know that isn’t necessarily rational, especially because his actions toward me have shown me the opposite, and he told me that he did a lot of work on himself.

I feel kind of stupid because everything is going well, and he has given me no reason not to trust him. I think I’m struggling more with the fact that I can’t relate to his past than with the past itself.
Has anyone else experienced this, especially being with someone whose sexual history is different from yours? How did you get past the insecurity?

Hi everyone,

I’m a 20-year-old female, and my boyfriend is 21.

I’m looking for honest perspectives because I feel like I’m stuck in my own head.

My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship. We have an incredible connexion, and honestly, everything between us is great. He’s genuinely one of the kindest, most caring people I’ve ever met. He’s emotionally available, communicates really well, reassures me when I’m struggling, and we’ve talked about building a long-term future together. I can genuinely see myself spending my life with him.

Before we officially started dating, I was very open with him about how I view sex. I’ve always seen it as something deeply meaningful, and I told him that. I also told him that I had never been in a relationship or had any sexual experience before.

Because of that, he wanted to be completely honest with me before our relationship went any further.

He told me that he had previous sexual partners. He basically said he wanted to answer all my questions so I could decide whether I still wanted to continue building a relationship with him or whether I was not ready yet, or wanted someone whose past looked more like mine, which he said he would completely understand. I really respected his honesty and I never felt any pressure.

It took me a little while to process that information, but I had already started developing feelings for him. The more I got to know him, the more I realized I’d never clicked with anyone the way I clicked with him. He’s honestly an incredible person, so I chose to continue the relationship, and I’ve never regretted that decision.

The issue is that I recently asked him for more details about his past.

He didn’t avoid the conversation or lie. He answered every question I asked.

He told me he’s had three previous sexual partners.

The part that shocked me the most was that his first experience happened when he was 19 with a 31-year-old woman. He also admitted that he had lied about his age on the dating app, so she may have believed he was older than he actually was. It also made me think about whether or not he could lie to me about certain things. They only met once btw.

The other two partners were people he knew through mutual friends.

Ever since hearing this, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I keep imagining scenarios in my head even though I wasn’t there. I replay everything, wonder what happened, compare myself, and question what it all means. The fact that one partner was 31 makes it feel even more intense in my mind.
Part of me even wonders whether she knew she was taking the virginity of a 19-year-old, although realistically I don’t even know if she knew his real age or whether she knew he was a virgin.

I also realize that some of my thinking might come from my own beliefs. I’ve always viewed sex as something deeply meaningful, maybe even spiritual. Sometimes I catch myself thinking things like, “Do people carry emotional or spiritual baggage from everyone they’ve slept with?” I honestly don’t know if that’s my values speaking or if my anxiety is making me catastrophize.

The strange part is that I don’t think less of him because of his past. I don’t see him as a bad person, and I don’t love him any less. In fact, I think he’s an amazing partner. Yet I still can’t stop obsessing over his past.

If anything, I think he’s an incredible partner. He told me that his past helped him mature and understand what he wants in a relationship, and honestly, I’d much rather be with the caring, communicative man he is today than someone with no past who treats me poorly.

At the same time, I think part of me feels sad because my first time was with him (I didn’t have any relationships before meeting him and never had sex with anyone else), but I wasn’t his first. I know that isn’t something he could change, and I don’t want to punish him for having a life before me, but I can’t deny that it hurts sometimes.

I don’t know if that’s just something I need to accept, or if my thoughts have become unhealthy.

He has also never asked me about my past. He told me he simply doesn’t feel the need to know because what matters to him is who I am now.

I’ve also started wondering whether I might be dealing with retroactive jealousy or even relationship OCD. I thought about maybe I should see a therapist.

Has anyone else gone through something similar?

How did you stop replaying your partner’s past in your mind?

And from an outside perspective, does this sound like a normal reaction that will settle with time, or does it sound more like anxiety taking over?
I’d really appreciate thoughtful advice rather than judgment.