u/InsideDiamond7801

I don’t know if I can keep living like this.
I’m 20 and I’ve only been married for a year. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and I never imagined I’d be writing something like this, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel so unhappy in my marriage. I don’t know if this is just a rough season or if this is my life now. But it’s been like this for almost the entire year since getting married.
My husband works away during the week, so I’m alone most of the time. I don’t have many friends, if any where I live, and I’ve become incredibly lonely throughout this year. We recently finally got the sweetest puppy and he definitely brings me joy and keeps me busy which helps. This summer I decided to do to start college to continue trying to build my career for myself, but when I come home, I just feel so empty. The loneliness was one thing, but now I’m just feeling so empty, I feel like I can’t explain what’s wrong with me. I’m just down all the time and I sleep so much. One year in and I still can’t make friends or find my circle. I feel crazy. So many girls from our community of people from our church have moved from farther away and made friends and seem to be living a happy life. I just feel like I’m falling apart.

My husbands family has also been a huge source of stress. I don’t think it’s as bad as it was before and has definitely subsided a bit but, there has been so much drama, and I don’t feel accepted by them. They just make me so uncomfortable and honestly ruined my life and my experience with getting married and planning a wedding. They put me through hell. For reference, my husband grew up in a family of 5 boys and very toxic, controlling and manipulative parents. Being around them leaves me anxious and emotionally drained. It’s gotten to the point where I dread anything involving them. They always want to lecture us and get into our business. Although I do want to add that I’ve defended myself and called them out on their bullshit so since then they seem to be scared to interfere as much as they once did.

But, the biggest issue is that I don’t feel emotionally fulfilled in my marriage anymore. I don’t feel as loved, understood, or supported as I hoped I would. I find myself wondering if I’m staying because I truly want to or because I’m scared of making the wrong decision or because I don’t actually love him, I just love the idea of him since I’ve been with him for so long and he’s all I know and I love the idea of the man that he could be once he matures and changes.

I’ve just been crying so much, feeling so depressed, empty, and questioning everything. I don’t know myself anymore, it feels like I lost myself. I hate admitting that because I never wanted my marriage to become this.
I don’t expect marriage to be perfect, and I know every couple has problems. But I feel like this life isn’t normal. Every night I have dinner alone, always go on walks alone, sleep alone, but I’m married. My husbands family should be my family too but I don’t even consider these people family. how do you know the difference between a difficult season that you should work through and a relationship that simply isn’t making you happy anymore, or a relationship that was just a mistake?
and I know that I married my husband for my husband and not his family but they they were such a huge component in what severely damaged me mentally.

The worst part about this is that my parents warned me about this and said I would grow out of this and that his parents would continue to ruin my life, but I was always too attached to him to leave and I realize this now. My husband just doesn’t have a way with words, he doesn’t know what to say or how to talk to me. He’s always in his own bubble and when he comes home he just sits around on his phone and plays games and just does his own thing. He never tries to plan anything to show that he actually wants to spend time with me and make memories. It honestly kinda feels like I’m just chasing him and begging for some love and attention and affection. He says he loves me and he says I’m beautiful and all that but it just feels empty. He’s just so mediocre and uninteresting and just dry. I feel just as lonely and empty when he’s with me as I do when I’m completely alone. He always makes promises he can’t keep and he has no self control with certain addictions or bad habits that just ruins my respect for him. He just doesn’t make me happy. He just irritates me and we fight over stupid things and then move on like none of it happened. When I express my pain and frustration with him and our marriage he just says, “we have to sit down and have a talk about it when I get home from my work trip” and then we end up not talking about shit. He always has stupid excuses for shit when I call him out on things that bother me and I feel like nothing ever changes. I feel like he still behaves like a boy and just can’t take accountability or be responsible. I feel like the worse wife and the worst person. I know I can’t change him but he just doesn’t make me happy anymore. I feel like my fire that was keeping me going is now running low and I don’t have the will to even keep going. I feel so trapped and I hate this.

I miss my family all the time and try to visit as much as I can but now that I started college I’m just so busy with studying all the time so it’s harder to plan trips to go down and see then. My husband refuses to move to my hometown closer to my family for no real reason so I’m just stuck in this shitty city where it feels like I’ve become a nobody. I hate my life. I’m just so unhappy and alone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know why for other people marriage was such an awesome happy thing but for me it’s just miserable. I live everyday wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next. I just feel worthless. It’s gotten only worse and I’m realizing I don’t want to live like this forever.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Did things get better? If you stayed, what changed? If you left, how did you know it was the right decision? Did I make the wrong decision or am I just in a bad place?
I’m really looking for honest advice because I feel completely lost.