u/Interesting-Viewing

​After a messy separation from my Nex, financial strain forced me to move into a duplex with my nMom. I thought having completely separate living quarters would protect us.

Boy, was I naive.

​Early on, I let her watch my two preschoolers. It didn't take her long to break almost every care rule we agreed on (think unlimited junk food, eating on the couch, and unrestricted YouTube).

I immediately revoked her privileges, which earned me a classic 2-month silent treatment before she finally faked an apology. Things have mostly been "civil" since.

Well this week, I found out some devastating news regarding my court case, and I reached out to my biological mother to help me with the night routine. She didn't say she was going to help, but heavily insinuated that she will help.

After dinner and desert, ​I brought them to her side of the house for a bath. I turned my head for less than a minute, and she gave 10 gummy lollies to each kid. When I confronted her, she played dumb and laughed it off: "Oh, I must have misunderstood!" (It was 6:45 PM).

​After the bath, she then pulled out lollipops. I explicitly told her, "Do not give those to them. It is getting late."

​The second we finished brushing their hair, she ripped the wrappers off and handed them the lollipops. At 7:30 PM. Right on their exact bedtime.

I was gobsmacked. She didn't care one bit. I shouldn't be shocked, BUT I AM!

​They actually never change.

She watched me imploding from my court case update, waited until I was completely vulnerable, and played her little hoovering on my kids, geting them jacked up on sugar just before bed. 30minutes of help turned into 1 hour of hell.

Is this a thing?

My ex wife has done unspeakable acts of betrayal on almost every level you can think of. I've spent years gathering information amd creating cases for my legal battle, ensuring my kids are safe, and things split evenly.

Things got messy when I started unraveling the multiple betrayals. As an example of the messy, when she found out I was pursuing her hidden credit card she opened under our name, my ex wife started verbally abusing me on handover and make our kids cry, then DARVO on the parenting app almost instantly trying to re-write things.. All the horrible stuff.

Early on in this legal journey, I would think about winning, in hopes it would encourage me. But when I would think of winning the custody battle, amd then winning the legal battle, all I could see was me crying. It was a horrible experience, and I struggled gathering data because of this phenomenon.

Fast forward to me actually winning my legal case, and all I did was break down and cry.

I know that I'm an emotional man, however this felt like this legal win was worse emotionally than when my dad passed away 2 years ago.

Is anyone up to this stage? Did this happen to you?

(A quick disclaimer: This reflection is based on my specific experiences with physical and emotional abuse.This approach may not be safe or suitable for your situation. Please prioritize your safety.)

When I was seven, my parents separated. To this day, it remains one of the happiest memories. Before that, my childhood was ruled by my father—an overtly narcissistic and volatile man. My early years are a reel of vivid flashbacks: beltings from dad, forced secret-keeping, and my mom's black eyes.

Recently, I spent a lot of time in EMDR and therapy navigating this heavy burden. I was taught fantastic tools to help with my trauma, and at the time, I made the choice to go completely no-contact with my dad.

However, during my no contact, dad spent 6 months in and out of hospital. This was difficult for everyone during this time, including me. I wrestled for months with the idea of breaking no-contact, however not long after, dad passed away. At the time l felt fine about his death. I had made a choice to protect my peace. But confusion started to set in when I was the only sibling to not cry at the funeral. And regret overwhelmed me when I finally spent some time with my younger brother.

By choosing no-contact, I unknowingly cut off a whole side of my family.

​Unlike me, my younger brother had a much healthier relationship with our dad and was never subjected to the physical abuse. He didn't even remember the times our parents locked us in a room just so they could argue. I had never considered his reality, and witnessing the damage my absence caused him still eats me up inside. I saved myself from the past, but he was left to shoulder the present without me.

I realized that my dad was just doing his own terrible version of protecting himself from his childhood. And despite being an abusive man, he ensured I didn't have the exact same upbringing he did. I had a packed lunch every day. I had a warm house, dinner every night, and pocket money every week. Viewing him entirely as a monster wasn't the whole truth.

A couple of months after my father passing away, my wife of 8 years filed for divorce. And when I accepted her divorce papers, she looked at me in absolute shock. She didn't want a divorce - she wanted control. What followed was a high-conflict split driven by deeply unpredictable and antagonistic behaviors. My focus quickly became doing everything in my power to protect our 3-year-old twin boys from the chaos. Passing on my childhood trauma was out of the question.

During my high conflict split, my mother and stepfather gracefully let my boys and I move into their downstairs in-law suite. But living under mother was incredibly difficult. I felt like I had walked away from one foggy household right into another, It was like experiencing trauma as a child all over again.

So I started pulling at the string of that familiar trauma, and the truth slowly unraveled: my mother was proving she has covert narcissistic traits. She orchestrated my childhood right alongside my father, just in a quieter, more manipulative way.

My first response was to cut her off completely. I was angry. Furious! I finally realized that every interaction we ever had was transactional. She literally used me as an excuse to get her $10,000 bathroom and kitchen installed for their downstairs in-law suite (all paid for by my step-father).

​When I calmed down, I checked myself.

​After what I learned from my father's death, I decided on a different approach with my mom. I used no-contact as a temporary measure with a strict end-date. My end-date involved radical acceptance, consistent boundary setting, and working with a therapist who specializes in high-conflict personalities to build what I call my "hazmat suit."

​This was by far the hardest option, and I questioned myself multiple times. But when the "hazmat suit" started to show results, I knew I had made the right choice for my future. For my boys' futures. I'm finally learning who I am.

For anyone going through their journey, what you feel is 100% valid.