I used to be such a social justice warrior about things but since collapsing I feel completely apathetic and I'm starting to think I never cared and that I simply liked feeling morally superior and having the "correct" view on things. It's so gross to me but that's how it feels because I don't have the fervent passion for humanity I thought I did
I am so overcome with su*cidal thoughts that I just binge like there's no tomorrow (because I don't want there to be). Anyone else self harming this way?
I struggle to identify any true interests or passions, and don't even feel much curiosity. I don't feel competent at anything. I feel so listless and dull. The emptiness is unbearable and obviously contributes to the low self-esteem and envy that has caused so many relationship issues.
Has anyone else built a self from scratch?
I look back on what I did, things I thought, etc and it's all so naive, delusional, and immature. My lack of consideration and empathy horrifies me. The way I demonized my ex is so ridiculous. But I had such strong convictions for a reason. I really did think and feel these things. I felt hurt. I felt victimized. I felt that I needed more.
I thought I could be successful despite having no real plan and not even giving my all to the things I was doing. I somehow thought I was "better" than those with stable traditional careers. I thought I needed more than the relationship that I now realize was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought my ex was hurting me in a significant way when it turns out she wasn't. I wasn't trying to "smear" her; I genuinely felt like she had done something wrong.
But now I know the truth of all these things, and I just look like an idiot and a fucking joke.
My life is ruined because of my stupid delusions. I crushed everything good I ever had, made all the wrong choices, and nothing I did was ever worth it.
How will I ever feel like anything other than a loser?
Life has been one crushing realization after another lately. I realized I am a terrible writer. My degree is in writing. I've been chasing a full-time writing/marketing gig for the last 7 years (to no avail, of course. You think that would have given me a clue).
Recently I was let go from a small gig I had writing short articles due to the subpar quality of my work, and I've been looking back on my work from freelancing..and yeah it's severely lacking. It doesn't serve the intended audiences or state things well or entertain or even live up to the SEO standards I thought was working within.
I feel so stupid and lost. I know my lack of consistent writing plays a role, but I thought I had at least something of quality to offer.
Do I try to write a whole new portfolio of spec work, pivot careers, or accept that I will never have the kind of job and salary I aspire to?
I feel too dumb and useless to do anything. Some people say that's depression talking, but the proof of how bad I am at everything is impossible to ignore.
I've been struggling with SI after a manic episode, losing my friends and job, and realizing how much I hurt people. All of this caused horrific daily binges and I can't seem to stop because 1) I'm unemployed with no interest in doing anything and 2) I hate myself and my life so much it feels like nothing matters.
How do you find a way to care about yourself enough to stop bingeing when you don't want a future?
Bingeing is the only thing that makes life feel okay/pleasurable so I'm always like "screw it why not, I'll be alone and poor and miserable and empty forever anyway. I deserve to be this much of a loser.: