u/Intrepid_Ranger3505

Our relationship was toxic. Both ways. I should have left earlier. Or at least I should have been getting ready to. But I thought we were both committed to making it work, while she was already preparing to leave. And so I was blindsided when I really shouldn’t have been. Her weeks of silence between intensely strong loving periods, anger at things I did. It should have been obvious, but I was hiding it from myself. And I feel like if I had left, if I had set boundaries, maybe I would be better. Maybe she would have even been open to discussing things and working on it. But instead she’s moved on to a new relationship already and I’m still destroyed. I still miss her and want her back. But she’s happy, secure in her decision, and living her best life. Maybe if I left I could have been that person.

One whole day without checking. Sure I’m four hours ahead by timezone so she isn’t awake for half of it. And sure I still thought about her so many times. But I didn’t open discord or steam. I didn’t check. I did it. The whole day. All it can do to check is hurt me. It feels so much like I need to keep the connection alive, but I don’t. And checking doesn’t keep any “connection”. It’s one sided. There is nothing there and she decided that. But today I finally started living like it was true.

I know you did our old weekend habit with him today. On a Thursday of all days. You just slept in until 5pm with him, right there next to you. Just like we did, like how you said you never slept so well or felt so comfortable with any other guy. And you just did it with the rebound. Or maybe you didn’t. It could’ve been anything. You could’ve been out this morning, traveling, getting your hair dyed. It’s all stupid conjecture from a single fucking activity status. I hate that I’m like this. I hate that I can’t move on. I hate that I have no self control. I hate that no matter what your activity was I would still imagine up the worst possible scenario for my mental health and paint it as truth. I hate how similar we were for both doing those things. But I didn’t let it make me hate you, and you let it make you hate me.

You imagined I ghosted you, and so without even reaching out, two days of me being anxious became ghosting. Two days of ghosting became evidence that I was the same as I was two years ago, and that I put in no effort despite lots of therapy and work on myself. And all of a sudden anything good I ever did was gone, and everything bad I ever did was actually all I ever did. So you had to leave. You had to find a new guy to be your partner in two weeks. You had to have him do all the comforting things I came up with to help you, or that you asked me to do. You simply had to, it wasn’t your fault, nothing ever could be because you are the perfect little angel and you could never hurt anyone but it seems like all everyone else does is hurt you.

The absolute worst part of all this is that I’ll look back here in two minutes and not agree with anything bad I said about you or anything I said in anger. It will all dissolve and I’ll do nothing but miss you and blame myself.

Unfortunately I am crazy and super attached and so I can still check their accounts that I blocked them on. Specifically steam and discord (Thank god I can’t undo removing location sharing). So I still check them often and see when they’re online, when they’re out, what they’re playing. How do I stop myself? Does it really just have to be pure self control? It’s so so hard. I tried a delay system, where I would wait some amount of time until I checked. 15 mins, until I finished this next thing. Sometimes it works. But my brain still wants to know so that it can create a story and fake the connection it lost. Do I actually just have to forcefully overpower it every time? And just one slip feeds me back into the cycle? How did you guys get over this?

At the end of my relationship, my partner told me that there were things I had done in the past that hurt her so much, that she didn’t believe I changed, and that she couldn’t forgive me or move forward because of them. It wasn’t cheating, but it wasn’t good behavior. I lied to her about things I liked or didn’t like, or if I was busy. I vented really inappropriately to my friends and said really rude things about her.

We had a separation once because of this, but decided to try to make things work. Then a few more things happened, some of which wasn’t really in my control and some of which was. Specifically, I was struggling to tell my parents we were together again. They were pressuring me to get a job really heavily and said “no girl troubles, focus up”. Additionally, I had a strained relationship with them that I felt I had to be perfect and maintain a good image. Looking back and with therapy, I think that my relationship with them and my childhood experiences are what led me to lie to her like that in the first place. Feeling like I need to be perfect, scared to reveal that I wasn’t always doing work and being productive, afraid to express my true self. Venting to friends about times I felt bad because I could never talk to my parents about it. Basically living a double life to make them still like me. And I pushed all those survival patterns on to her.

Ultimately, I don’t feel like I can blame her for leaving. She tried and she couldn’t forgive me. But it was the way she left that really stung and I feel like it led to this problem. She wasn’t understanding. She wasn’t compassionate and saying “I see you’re trying but it isn’t enough for me”. Not even “I wish you well”. She just hated on me, said I didn’t change or grow, I was immature and a bad person. For mistakes I made two years ago and a complex relationship dynamic that I feel weird calling trauma but it may very well be. And because of how she acted not just during the breakup but the entire relationship, I really internalized that hatred. I started to believe what she said even though I know it isn’t true. I know I gave up so much, learned so much, changed so much. But because she said I didn’t, I feel that way in spite of all the evidence and reassurance I get. I want to be able to forgive myself but I can’t because it feels like she won’t ever forgive me, and if the person I love won’t forgive me how can I forgive myself?

There were some signs of cognitive dissonance I’m seeing recently.

For one, she was playing a game that she hated me playing because it had sexual content. Now, I don’t blame her totally. She was upset about me specifically using it, not necessarily the game itself. But whatever.

Then, I’ve been listening to some of our shared playlists. Bad move, I know. But a very good amount of the songs encapsulate my breakup experience exactly: “you didn’t want to try, you vilified me, and yet I still want you back and that hurts twice as much”. How can she have been listening to these songs and not realize how what she did could hurt me?

Then, the way she treated me right before the breakup. She got really upset I didn’t text her for two days. Neither did she, for the record. After that, she said “I don’t feel like talking to you” and wouldn’t speak to me for two weeks. Similar scenes occurred throughout the past few months. I missed a text of hers when she was feeling really anxious and needing support by a few hours, and then she didn’t respond to my apology for two days. We got in a fight and then she wouldn’t talk for a week or even three. But all the times she was silent were fine, and justified, but a mutual silence of two days was what broke her and made her leave?

Finally, she was always afraid of me looking at other women. That was what caused the “sexual content” concerns. But she was worried about me hanging out with women, accused me of acting like I was single, and even in the breakup text quoted me “choosing to get drunk with other women over prioritizing her” (that was what the weekend of silence was about). All of this was never something that I even considered. I never looked elsewhere for attraction, connection, or validation. But come the breakup, and shes going on dates with a new guy in less than two weeks. You don’t just stumble into that, right? I don’t know, I’m just scared about it.

It’s not enough for me to call her crazy. Hell, I don’t even know if she had BPD. She doesn’t have all the symptoms. She was diagnosed at like 12 during her parent’s divorce. It could have been cPTSD or any number of things. But this stuff hurt, and I can’t post about it anywhere else. I just want to find clarity.

It feels like a lot of the breakup stories around BPD I’ve seen involve people getting sick of the treatment and leaving. Most times that the person has been broken up with, they actually get hoovered and then leave after that. Basically, the non-BPD partner got to realize they wanted to leave.

I never got that. I got left before I hit the bottom. I never accepted that the treatment was too much. I never accepted that I got mistreated so heavily and that the severity of the treatment wasn’t my fault and that I do deserve better. She never even acknowledged hurting me, she never had to even face an accusation. I feel like I’m the one who is more attached. She moved on so quick, she was going on dates in two weeks. Its been a month and I’m STILL obsessing over every detail. My therapist tells me its time to try to move on and stop thinking about it but I just can’t. I feel so stupid and alone and useless for not being able to accept things and move on. I wish I could jump into a new relationship so easily like she did.