My husband is lazy? Not ambitious? has ADHD?
I’m looking for honest advice, especially from men or couples who have experienced a shift in ambition/power dynamics after having a baby.
I’ve always been the more career-driven person in my relationship, even from the beginning. When I first met my partner, he seemed hardworking, creative, and motivated. He worked in carpentry, wanted to build things, talked a lot about film projects and future goals, and I admired that about him.
Over time though, especially after we had a child, I started noticing what feels like very low executive functioning, disorganization, overwhelm, and lack of follow-through. He quit carpentry because "the culture was toxic and misogynistic ", studied CNC machining while I was pregnant thinking it would become a higher-paying career, but now works extremely long hours for much less than expected and seems constantly exhausted and I don't trust him to make choices cause that was a huge mistake.
Meanwhile, I’m one year postpartum, working remotely as a producer, managing our household, carrying most of the mental load, organizing everything for the baby and home, and still aggressively pursuing my career. I make significantly more than him and honestly feel like I operate at a much higher level of discipline, structure, and DREAMING / AMBITION. I just locked in my biggest client EVER.
To be fair: he is a loving father, loyal partner, and very present with our child. He’s not abusive, not cheating, not irresponsible with parenting. But he is deeply disorganized, struggles to manage his time, gets overwhelmed easily, and often becomes agitated when he can’t focus on his own creative goals or projects. he is VERY messy and I am cleaning ALLL DAY LONG.
What’s becoming difficult for me is that I feel my respect and attraction shifting because I no longer feel like I’m with someone who can truly lead, build, or match me intellectually/operationally. I could be okay with being the higher earner if he 150 percent supported everything else so i can function at my prime for our household - does he ever care that I’m carrying the entire strategic and practical weight of our life.
I also wonder if I’m being unfair because maybe he’s burned out, depressed, overwhelmed, or simply values a slower/more stable life than I do - BUT also ... hes a mommas boy and she makes his plates and babies him still and IDK how much of that informs who he is today.
Has anyone experienced this dynamic before? Especially after becoming parents? Did things improve? Was it incompatibility all along? Or did resentment build because one person became the “manager” of the relationship?
Advice Request:
Has anyone experienced losing respect/attraction toward a partner after becoming the primary provider and organizer in the relationship? How do you tell the difference between burnout/temporary overwhelm vs true incompatibility and imbalance?
TL;DR:
I’m a very career-driven new mom who significantly out-earns my partner and carries most of the household mental load. My partner is loving and a great father, but extremely disorganized, overwhelmed easily, and no longer feels ambitious or operationally dependable to me. I’m struggling with resentment, attraction, and whether this is a temporary season or a deeper incompatibility.