u/IntrovertedMessss

I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years, and together for 4. He and I were inseparable from the moment we met. I also clicked very well with his family and they loved me (his dad actually set us up).

Recently though… I’ve finally caught onto some very manipulative behavior of his parents and little sister. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I’m a very trusting person so when I’ve heard them talk about others when they weren’t there, I assumed they wouldn’t do that about me (they also assured me that they didn’t do that because they love me). But we had an issue a couple weeks ago where the dad overstepped and I called it out and stood up for myself. Ever since then I’ve emotionally stepped back to try and get clarity. The family is now sending flowers and gifts and it just feels like they’re trying to buy me back. Idk maybe it’s me and I’m just not used to the family dynamic. But the dad constantly brags about how socially aware he is and he can control situations because he can like “read people” really well. Sometimes he’ll say something that is clearly a “subtle” message to me. I’ve asked my husband if he picked up on it too and he usually just tells me that his dad is unaware and didn’t know how it would affect me. So it’s just not adding up. His dad also gets FURIOUS if you ever allude to the fact that his intentions weren’t entirely honest. Like he’ll freak out for being called a liar. My family raised me to think that if someone has a crazy reaction to something or is afraid of being called something, it’s probably because there’s some truth to it.

I feel like I got sucked into a family with very different values. I knew they were different from my own family, but I thought they were super honest and straight up people which I liked about them. Now I’m realizing they are really judgy and manipulative and not as honest as I thought.

My SIL (25) is unaware, immature, and not a functioning adult. She still lives at home with her parents and is definitely the favorite child that can do no wrong (the whole family agrees, even my husband). I don’t believe she’s ever had a sleepover away from her parents. She comes off as a strong know-it-all about most subjects, she is extremely judgy (something the whole family struggles with, but her in particular), and she is very annoying/doesnt understand many social norms (e.g. she will loudly sing in public just randomly, even when trapped in an elevator with her she will be belting out a song and trying hard to hit the right notes which I just think is cringey). I recently had my first baby, and im very attached to him and just want to soak up all the baby cuddles I can at this early stage, and this girl (who has never even kissed a boy), likes to tell me how she knows all about babies and totally understands everything I’m going through. She tries to kiss my newborn on his mouth. She brags about her ability to “put any baby to sleep” after she aggressively rocked my son for 30 minutes and it was near a nap window (literally anyone could do that). If she asks to hold him and I say not right now, she will ask me why or continue asking until she can. I’ve also caught her dad trying to give her the baby when I went to the bathroom (like he purposely waited until I left the room to make the transition which just felt sneaky to do that with a very fresh postpartum mom, I need eyes on him). When I see her holding my son, my body fills with rage. I hate seeing it and seeing her try to act like his mother. I worry that I’m being an over-bearing mom and I don’t want to be like that. No one else gives me that feeling though which tells me I think it’s just a problem I have with her.

I’m coming here because every time I go to my husband to look for some type of reassurance or understanding, it causes a major fight. He protects her over me. He’s literally said that she’s a much better person than me and I’m the asshole for not seeing that and loving her like everyone else. I think that’s part of why I have such a problem with her. She also has a lot more in common with him than I do (my husband and I are very different, which doesn’t bother me until I see him looking happier with her). It all feels really weird, like jealousy but it’s his sister… I just hate feeling judged and like I’m inferior to her. I don’t think she knows she’s doing it, but that’s not really an excuse. I think most people aren’t out here with bad intentions, they just aren’t aware enough to know better, and with how coddled and spoiled she is, how could she?

Please help. I want to have a good relationship with her, but I don’t know how to address all of my issues without things blowing up with the whole family because they truly can’t see how annoying and rude she can be.

Also, I have a sister of my own who I am very close with and when my husband and her had beef, I stood by him. I understood how he felt and his position in the issue, but deep down I definitely sided more with my sister). I think I just wish he gave me that same respect when things happen with his family.