u/Itsnottreasonyet

Just sharing here some thoughts I’ve been having. This is in no way meant to excuse consumers for their own bad behavior, but a conceptualization about the industry itself formed for me recently.

 

I have a background in criminal justice and forensic psychology and was, long ago, familiarized with the study of “criminal thinking errors.” These are beliefs used by perpetrators to justify antisocial behavior. These cognitive distortions are the hallmarks of predators and are studied by criminologists seeking to understand how people become violent. It clicked for me the other day that the porn industry specifically teaches criminal thinking errors as part of their meticulous work of creating life-long customers and defenders of their industry. The industry spins these cognitive distortions in their marketing, their political lobbying, and their products, doing everything they can to create converts to criminal thinking. By doing so, they also create people who don’t belong anywhere but in porn world, where they become loyal devotees, too antisocial to fit in with healthy people or have functional human relationships.

 

Criminal thinking errors, especially those used by sexual perpetrators, include:

 

Minimizing/Denying Harm: In this criminal thinking error, the aggressor tells themselves that there is no crime because no one actually got hurt; anyone who says otherwise, according to this narrative, is lying and only trying to create a problem where this is none. In porn world, this is taught as “everyone you see on screen is having a jolly good time, no one is ever the victim of any coercion or trafficking, and people who are anti-porn are just killjoys!”

 

Blame-Shifting/Playing the Victim: In this criminal thinking error, the aggressor acknowledges that something bad happened, but insists that they are the real victim. According to the aggressor, the fact that someone tempted/seduced them or didn’t give them what they wanted is the real crime and the fact that they are being punished is the true injustice. This is taught in porn world as “you are entitled to sex with beautiful women. The fact that women don’t throw themselves at you left and right and agree to have real life, but very porn-like, sex with you is a grave injustice. Any harm caused by the porn industry is the fault of women because they forced you into porn by not being better sex objects.”

 

Denigrating the Victim: In the most psychopathic of the criminal thinking errors, the aggressor acknowledges that there was a victim and that they themselves are to blame for the harm caused, but they also believe that the victim had it coming. Porn world teaches this in the darker (but far from rare) corners of the industry, where the narrative is “women are all horrible and deserve to be demeaned, belittled, and abused. Hurting them is justified and violent sex is the perfect punishment.”

 

The industry is quite literally teaching consumers to think like criminal perpetrators. They target consumers from a very young age, before their critical thinking is even fully formed, and start teaching them the exact thinking patterns that lead many people straight to prison. Many of porn world’s favorite excuses and justifications fit right into these thinking errors:

-          “If my partner was more sexual, I wouldn’t be using porn! It’s her fault!”

-          “You’re just a prude!”

-          “You don’t understand how great it all is. You’re just ignorant.”

-          “It’s just a fantasy. No one gets hurt and it never bleeds over into real life.”

-          “Porn is empowering to women.”

-          “Women secretly like being treated that way. It’s hot.”

 

The porn industry has created armies of advocates and defenders who willingly perpetuate the type of thinking which creates an abuse culture. This is certainly not news to anyone, by any means, but I thought it was worth illustrating that their favorite justifications of porn are quite literally, verbatim, the cognitive distortions that define criminals. I thought I would post this in case anyone would like to use this language the next time someone says “bUt iT’S heAltHy.” You have to be—not an exaggeration—thinking like a literal criminal to believe that porn world is okay. Defenders of porn are exactly as “healthy” as adjudicated sex offenders currently doing time behind bars. When defenders argue that they have a logical perspective on porn, point them toward criminology and explain they are literally quoting Ted Bundy, and that they have been trained to think this way by an industry acting like the mob.

We had a couples counseling session and he asked for a piece of paper and started writing things down as I was talking. He validated my emotions and implied that he was understanding what I was saying. He said "things were clicking" for him. I actually spent the afternoon feeling better. I felt safe. I felt optimistic.

I saw his notes today and he was just writing down wildly erroneous interpretations and reasons to discredit what I was saying.

I'm so tired.

It's been eight months since DDay. My husband swears he has stopped using but finally confessed that he still has emotional attachment to porn. He has respect, gratitude, and general good feelings toward these women. He doesn't want to hear about anything bad porn causes in society, about any of the abuse, or what it did to his brain. He said he doesn't want to read any books or attend any groups. He has a CSAT but they have apparently never even talked about if he regrets anything he did, other than that he doesn't like the consequences. I've told him that it feels like he is still in love with an affair partner and isn't ready to give her up. He said today "I want to not want it." Okay, but that means he does. I'm just tired. He's actually being a good partner in a lot of ways, for the first time in our marriage. But he still guards a place in his heart for them. Apparently more than he ever did for me when they were ruining our marriage.

I feel like giving up. He's never going to love me the way I wish he did. He protected his relationship with them even when he knew it was destroying me. He has been more loyal to them than me. I feel like just saying "fine, keep them, you obviously love them." I just wish he would choose me. I know he would swear up and down that he is choosing me, but he just can't let them go. How do these guys not realize these women laugh at them and feel contempt for them behind their back? My therapist said they all have stockholm syndrome and that feels accurate.

I guess there's no real point here. I'm just sad

My husband does a lot of jumping to the defense of the porn industry and the people who create it. There is a protectiveness about them, like they are people he cares about personally. He also does all sorts of mental gymnastics to create a little carve-out in his morals, with special rules just for porn, to excuse the harm they cause. It makes him a huge hypocrite but he just has to make them a safe little bubble. He absolutely does not want to hear anything negative or any facts that make these people look bad. I finally realized that the weird vibe I'm getting is that he is still very adamantly attached to the fantasy that the industry sells and the way he felt in their world. He is committed to believing that these people are all fully consenting, have fun with what they do, genuinely like their customers, and it's all a pleasure-filled world where no one ever gets hurt and everything is great. He is no longer watching, but it feels like he is not ready to give up the emotional attachment to this delusion. It finally clicked for me that this is like someone giving up the affair but still being in love with the affair partner. How can I stay married to someone who is in love with this ridiculous fantasy? He has improved in some very meaningful ways, showing up a lot more in our marriage, but this feels hard to overcome.

If this sounds familiar, what did you do? Or what do you plan to do? How long do you, or did you, wait for this to change? What does it mean to you if they quit watching but keep a romanticized view of the industry and the people in it?

I may very well end up needing to call but before I sit on hold for six hours, I figured I would see if anyone has had this happen and knows what this is.

I re-certified by income in February, as scheduled. StudentAid estimated I would pay about $285 per month on PAYE. I got a letter from Mohela stating they would withdraw an April payment for $285. Great. Except then they didn't take an April payment and sent me another letter saying I would be starting in May with a $450 payment. It has me marked as IBR and when I go to look at changing plans, I see the warning "If you are currently in the Income-Based Repayment (IBR) plan and want to leave the plan, you will be placed on the Standard Repayment Plan. You may not change to a different plan until you’ve made at least one payment under the Standard Repayment Plan or a payment under a reduced-payment forbearance." A standard payment for me would be thousands and I should be done in August, so that is not worth it.

What happened? They immediately kicked me out of the lower payment plan and will now punish me for asking to go back? Will this also affect my buy-back offer (if we all don't die of old age waiting for those)? Thank you!