r/PornIsMisogyny

It is quite awful seeing other anti-porn/sw movements or spaces and they are all just deadset on demonizing the victims that are getting groomed, beaten, coerced, and brutally raped infront of a camera in comparison to the johns who keep the demand going for such a horrible industry.

It's as if the trafficking, rape, abuse and just extreme misogyny that is this industry doesn't seem to matter to them. The biggest tragedy to them isn't the global massive scale of harm upon women, but the fact that men who consume rape media are suddenly "lonely" and have porn addictions that ruined their life.

I can't believe we live in SUCH a degenerate society that mainstream discussion of these topics are only centered around how the narrative of how men are such innocent victims who are suffering after the totally ethical act of raping or consuming filmed rape, and how all these women/victims are devils that need to be ostracized from society. I really do mean it with my soul but it is so disturbing that you need to go deep into radical spaces to prioritize womens safety over the comfort of rapists. I can't believe the general consensus is to prioritize a rapists/or rape-apologetic mans comfort for keeping such an exploitative industry alive.

The world will do anything but identify blatant patriarchal structures and misogyny. It will proceed to harm the wounded women that need help, just to dignify men with some rape-apologia syndrome.

Just sharing here some thoughts I’ve been having. This is in no way meant to excuse consumers for their own bad behavior, but a conceptualization about the industry itself formed for me recently.

 

I have a background in criminal justice and forensic psychology and was, long ago, familiarized with the study of “criminal thinking errors.” These are beliefs used by perpetrators to justify antisocial behavior. These cognitive distortions are the hallmarks of predators and are studied by criminologists seeking to understand how people become violent. It clicked for me the other day that the porn industry specifically teaches criminal thinking errors as part of their meticulous work of creating life-long customers and defenders of their industry. The industry spins these cognitive distortions in their marketing, their political lobbying, and their products, doing everything they can to create converts to criminal thinking. By doing so, they also create people who don’t belong anywhere but in porn world, where they become loyal devotees, too antisocial to fit in with healthy people or have functional human relationships.

 

Criminal thinking errors, especially those used by sexual perpetrators, include:

 

Minimizing/Denying Harm: In this criminal thinking error, the aggressor tells themselves that there is no crime because no one actually got hurt; anyone who says otherwise, according to this narrative, is lying and only trying to create a problem where this is none. In porn world, this is taught as “everyone you see on screen is having a jolly good time, no one is ever the victim of any coercion or trafficking, and people who are anti-porn are just killjoys!”

 

Blame-Shifting/Playing the Victim: In this criminal thinking error, the aggressor acknowledges that something bad happened, but insists that they are the real victim. According to the aggressor, the fact that someone tempted/seduced them or didn’t give them what they wanted is the real crime and the fact that they are being punished is the true injustice. This is taught in porn world as “you are entitled to sex with beautiful women. The fact that women don’t throw themselves at you left and right and agree to have real life, but very porn-like, sex with you is a grave injustice. Any harm caused by the porn industry is the fault of women because they forced you into porn by not being better sex objects.”

 

Denigrating the Victim: In the most psychopathic of the criminal thinking errors, the aggressor acknowledges that there was a victim and that they themselves are to blame for the harm caused, but they also believe that the victim had it coming. Porn world teaches this in the darker (but far from rare) corners of the industry, where the narrative is “women are all horrible and deserve to be demeaned, belittled, and abused. Hurting them is justified and violent sex is the perfect punishment.”

 

The industry is quite literally teaching consumers to think like criminal perpetrators. They target consumers from a very young age, before their critical thinking is even fully formed, and start teaching them the exact thinking patterns that lead many people straight to prison. Many of porn world’s favorite excuses and justifications fit right into these thinking errors:

-          “If my partner was more sexual, I wouldn’t be using porn! It’s her fault!”

-          “You’re just a prude!”

-          “You don’t understand how great it all is. You’re just ignorant.”

-          “It’s just a fantasy. No one gets hurt and it never bleeds over into real life.”

-          “Porn is empowering to women.”

-          “Women secretly like being treated that way. It’s hot.”

 

The porn industry has created armies of advocates and defenders who willingly perpetuate the type of thinking which creates an abuse culture. This is certainly not news to anyone, by any means, but I thought it was worth illustrating that their favorite justifications of porn are quite literally, verbatim, the cognitive distortions that define criminals. I thought I would post this in case anyone would like to use this language the next time someone says “bUt iT’S heAltHy.” You have to be—not an exaggeration—thinking like a literal criminal to believe that porn world is okay. Defenders of porn are exactly as “healthy” as adjudicated sex offenders currently doing time behind bars. When defenders argue that they have a logical perspective on porn, point them toward criminology and explain they are literally quoting Ted Bundy, and that they have been trained to think this way by an industry acting like the mob.

Skipping town and changing your name has worked forever to avoid accountability in the real world. You can do it online too!

(Edit: im removing the updated web address because comments have been made and deleted by users expressing gratitude for helping them find it.)

Collective shout posted about this, I had never encountered them before but I’d suggest everyone check them out, they’re a non-profit aligned with the values of this sub.

If any of you follow feminist discourse on tiktok you might've come across "Niles"... he is this incredibly liberal feminist who is very deadset on portraying radical feminism as this right-wing anti-intellectual school of thought.

I don't keep up with him much at all, but recently he made a video in favour of sex-work by claiming that coercive consent can still be consent. He basically argued nearly everything work-field that requires our consent, obtains it through coercion. Moreover it was just very deadset on re-writing what consent means, claiming coercion and consent are not 2 ends of the spectrum but both exist in a gray area.

I see such claim so frequently across leftist or marxist "feminist" places that it really gets me wondering how the hell are they still walking around with the feminist title. It's this sentiment of completely disregarding the fundemental pillars of consent and claiming it to be this very philosophical, subjective, personal matter. I really don't understand how giving validity to coercion or abusive dynamics from this lense is suppose to be feminist.

And I really really can't fathom the ignorance required to pretend as if sex is something that is something that can exist without ENTHUSIASTIC consent from both parties. It is quite literally a right-wing rhetoric that women can/should have sex without enthusiastic consent, and that consent is still considered valid if it is coerced.

I saw many commenters also somehow justifying intoxicated consent, and normalising non-enthusiastic consent. It's fascinating how they claim to be sex-positive feminists while supporting the most basic patriarchal framework for sex or consent.

Moreover they are desenisitizing people to sex so far that viewing it as work or a social currency or means of living instead of genuine female pleasure. I'm confused how the hell is this feminist, when defining female sexuality as work and social currency has always been the at the core of misogyny, patriarchy and all conservative societies. Feminism wants to redefine sex to accomodate female pleasure outside of the patriarchal sex-framework...I genuinely have no idea what the hell marxist/leftists are doing when they claim to be sex-positive just to end up pseudo-intellectualizing their way into religious/patriarchal sex standards.

Creating such frameworks do nothing for women and only continues to support rape culture and prioritizing male sexual-gratification over womens safety. Genuinely what the fuck else are you doing if not supporting rape-culture by diluting consent to such a "it can be anything and everything!" matter.

It get's even more awful when you realise marxist feminists don't even consider patriarchy to be the cause of our oppression.

The way women in porn are treated versus the way male performers are glorified is textbook misogyny.

A young woman gets into the industry? She’s immediately labeled, shamed and often broken down. Her scenes frequently involve rough, degrading acts- The titles and thumbnails are literally designed to show her being used and humiliated. Once she’s "done" or ages a bit, the industry discards her. Mental health issues, trauma, substance problems? Way too common. Society still slut-shames her for life.

Now flip it to the guys.
A male performer can fuck hundreds of women on camera, often while being rough or dominant, and what happens? He’s celebrated. He’s a stud. A pornstar legend . A "GOAT" living the dream or alpha male energy shit. He gets fan pages, OF success, podcast appearances, and a weird kind of respect from certain corners of the internet. His body count is a badge of honor. No one calls him "used up" . He’s just cashing checks and smashing.

The female performer is a disposable sex object whose value is in how much degradation she can endure while staying hot. The male performer is a conqueror getting paid to live out every fantasy. One is degraded and discarded. The other is glorified.

That’s not “just fantasy.” That’s a reflection of how society actually views male and female sexuality. Men’s pleasure and dominance = celebrated. Women’s bodies and boundaries = consumable product.

Is anyone else in this sub just constantly disgusted by bikini barista type places and places like hooters? It is crazy to me that these places exist and their entire appeal is women being sexualized. It’s like a strip club in my opinion, honestly maybe even worse cause at least in a strip club you can make really good money. Doubt it’s the same at a place like hooters or one of those bikini smoothie barista type places. It honestly just disgusts me so much seeing places like this exist ALL over the world. Maid shops in Japan, Twin Peaks in Canada, I could go on and on.

How can people say that feminism is no longer necessary in the 21st century when these places exist in such huge amounts?

I feel bad for the woman who feel like all they have to offer to the world is working at a place like that. But as a woman, especially a young woman, I also just can’t help but feel a little bit of distain towards them because I do feel like working at places like this does kind of contribute to the problem.

Obviously, the men go into those places are way way worse than the employees, but I just feel like if no women were willing to degrade themselves like that because it is degrading then there would not be a customer base.

I hope women that work at places like bikini barista and Hooters will one they quit those jobs and realize they have more to offer

Honestly, you could probably just make more money bartending at a regular place than Hooters. I’ve heard they don’t pay their stuff well same with the bikini barista places.

it's scary that this is even a thing and it's normalised...

for the uninitiated, it's basically young-looking/teenage girls who post themselves dancing/taking pics/lipsyncing to songs on tiktok and instagram, which older predatory men call "bops" and "bopettes". usually these girls have a child-like innocent look about them and are flat, petite and short - often wearing braces, glasses, pigtails, or certain items of clothing like shorts or tighter two-piece sets which these men refer to as 'triggers' (things that turn them on)

and it's quite literally everywhere, it seems like. tiktok and twitter in particular are the worst for it. they have hundreds of accounts dedicated to posting these (often underage) girls dancing and labelling them as bops/bopettes/"goonfuel", the more popular accounts having HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FOLLOWERS!!! and of course, reporting it does absolutely nothing.

with the constant predatory societal need for women and girls to be palatable and sexually attractive to be considered human beings, when does it eventually become enough? when do we finally put a stop to this garbage? why does it feel like nobody cares??

I came across this sub not long ago and have read quite a lot of posts. It’s mostly people looking for legal advice, employment advice or wives/girlfriends whose partner’s been arrested.

Now, I understand that you can be put on the sex offender registry for stuff like peeing in public. However, that seems like a small minority in that sub.

It seems majority of them have been arrested and charged with downloading CSAM, SA, rape of a minor etc.

I think what bothers me is the attitude in that sub, I get it’s a “support group” but it seems a lot of those people don’t really feel bad for what they’ve done. There’s this attitude of “we’ve all been there!” when it comes to CSAM and treating it as a victimless crime, I just find it shocking how many of those men downloaded and watched CSAM. They seem to blame porn addiction for this.

I’ve seen so many posts from wives, staying and supporting their husbands who have raped a child or downloaded and distributed CSAM then being upset that their community and friends have dropped them. Like? What did you expect? The whole thing is gross.

I always wondered what causes that automatic instinctive ick response to men who watch porn. And I think it's actually a biological disgust response.

Imagine: it's like the difference between a guy where you walk in and he's throwing it down in the kitchen, you smell the steak cooking, smell the onions sizzling, you are totally drawn in right? But then a porn consuming man, that's the equivalent of you walking in and he's actually hiding in the closet just downing Nutella rapidly with a spoon, guzzle guzzle snorting like a pig, licking the jar

In the wild cesspool that is Reddit, and the internet and current attitudes in general, porn has become so normalized in the last decade.

It has been awful growing up as a Gen Z woman knowing all the boys I knew watched porn. It was obvious in the way they sexualized me as a queer woman and would ask for threesomes upon learning I liked women.

This sub has shown me there are lots of people educated about how porn can be incredibly harmful.

Thank you!

I feel like I’m going crazy tbh. Like yes, it’s great that women read, it’s great that women feel comfortable enough to openly talk about their sexuality, it’s great that female writers are finally dominating the charts.

But can we be real for a second? 90% of these books are porn, and a concerning amount of them involve pornographic depictions of romanticised abuse TOWARDS women. Porn is not good for you or your brain regardless of its written or if it’s a woman consuming it. I’m not even anti-porn or anti-kink, but I would find it equally uncomfortable to see a man on the bus watching pornhub (which does not happen), as I am with women openly reading smut and getting visibly horny (I’ve even seen women “subtly” rub themselves) IN PUBLIC. But for some reason the latter is acceptable?

This has even happened at work where women will publicly talk about the bdsm sex scenes in their book, whilst chastising any man that looks even mildly uncomfortable, even when he’s dead quiet. This is where I got called a pick me for saying I don’t think this is appropriate work talk and that it’s clearly making people, including myself uncomfortable. I’d go to HR but they’re also largely compromised of women who read these books, ask me how I know.

I have heard women, young women, genuinely say that they’re upset that their male partner does not want to partake in “consensual non-consent” with them. I’ve even seen single women dismiss a guys attraction to her because he… respected her boundaries and was gentlemanly? For asking to kiss her, which apparently is “unsexy” and he needs to just “take her”?

These aren’t romance books like a Jane Austen novel. These aren’t books WITH sex scenes. These are books where the plot is in itself a device to get to the porn. I’ve tried reading them out of curiosity and was shocked to discover this.

To me, this is less about literature and more about millions of women developing porn addictions. It’s not empowering, it’s dangerous. Am I wrong?

I really tried viewing their takes in good faith but hearing all these claims just make me wonder where "pro-sex" starts losing feminist analysis to the point we circle back to same repackaged patriarchal sexual standards...

Claiming there to be a minority of non-consenting and trafficked women/girls is genuinely one of the most repulsive things I'm starting to hear. This blatant denial of statistics, victim stories and third world realities is just the most priviledged rotten thing I'm hearing disguised as feminism.

And it's even worse when they start redefining what radical feminism means to fit their narrative. Claiming radical feminists to be ultra-religious right-wingers who only know how to slut-shame. Claiming that the misogynistic hatred for sex-workers are coming from RADICAL FEMINISTS and not the deeply misogynistic, conservative johns is insane. This sanitization of johns has reached such an extent that they gladly assume that the dehumanisation of victims in the SW industry are coming from swerfs and not these men...

It's disappointing seeing this level of uninformed perspecetive from a group that claims to have a higher grasp on nuance than the rest.

Ask around any genuine radical feminist and they can recognize slut-shaming as a pillar of rape culture, they can easily call out patriarchal institutes like religion, they are the ones challenging the current misogynistic "consent" framework we operate with, they are the ones opposing normalisation/sexualisation of pedophilia and rape.

Radical feminism to it's core completely extracts the misogynistic influences of patriarchy from female sexuality. It spends a lot of intellectual space into recognizing and identifying rape culture. It supports the workers deserve the needed living conditions so that we can stay true to the meaning of sexual consent...

Grouping FEMINISTS with johns that can't even define rape and believe that young girls and women in the industry deserve dehumanisation...is absolutely vile coming from libfems who always parade this 'anti-fascist' 'moral superiority'...

I think the terminology “Sex Work” kind of plays into this. the majority of “sex workers” are not Western, petite-bourgeois women who start OF pages during their off-hours at their regular full-time jobs. when I think of “sex workers”, I think of the reality: downtrodden women from countries ravaged by imperialism (in particular, South East Asia, Central Asia, and Eastern Europe), who are moved across borders in container ships, freight rail, or semi trucks, where they are forced to serve johns against their will. we need to reinforce the notion that this is what “sex work” really is.

Okay, the title may be far fetched but the effect that porn has on people (especially men) make it sounds plausible.

I notice through experience, what I see online, etc that men constantly ask women for nudes so often even though like 99% of the time the women don’t want to show them. I’ve been asked for nudes before and I always say no. Then I’m blocked or occasionally get disrespected because I didn’t meet their demands.

And after encounters like these, I always wonder; “Why?” Why can‘t men just go and relieve themselves to free porn a web search away? Is it because they want to feel like they’re in a porn episode with another person? Do they ask just to feel superior (like the infamous power imbalance between men and women seen in porn, hence why it’s so misogynistic)? Do they think that they can just get whatever gratification they so desire because that’s how it usually is in porn?

Porn is degenerative and affects how men see women and I think that translates to men asking women for nudes. They see it in porn so why couldn’t it be real life for them?

I rarely go into Reddit because this platform is full of porn related things, and seems to be the humor of many male users here. But I'm glad subreddits such as this exist.

Disabled women are a minority, so sometimes our issues are forgotten in society, even some feminist spaces fail to address visibility on the issues of physically disabled women.

For context I'm a paraplegic woman, I've been disabled since I was 12 because of an accident I suffered at that age. I'm 27 now, so I've lived most of my life disabled. And my disability has affected me a lot on my experiences as a woman. For years, I couldn't accept how I looked in a wheelchair, I didn't want to be seen in public being the only person in a wheelchair.

A friend encouraged me into the body positivity thing. I had a public Instagram account where I'd share some pictures of myself trying to be happy. I didn't receive many comments nor likes, and the few comments I received were from other women who said positive things about me. But later I came into a comment from a man who said some weird things about my body in a sexual way. He specially talked about my legs which I have no mobility of and of my wheelchair. I ignored the comment, but in my following posts I continued getting comments from this same guy, and later from others. I told them that they were weird and I blocked them.

Because of these creepy men online, I now know about a thing called "devotees" which is how those who fetishize disabled people, refer to themselves. I have to point out that "devotees" can be of any gender and of any sexuality, but most "devotees" are straight men who fetishize disabled women. And it's really gross what I've gotten to see and learn about "devotees", these men see women in wheelchairs, amputee women, blind women, and any other women with any disability, as if they were sex objects and easy prey. The fact there are men out there who get off by the idea I can't walk is scary to me, like they know I wouldn't be able to run away from them if they wanted to target me.

And I also have to point out that there are disabled women out there who for some reason create content to satisfy these men's fetishes. Some other able-bodied women also pretend to be disabled to create pornographic content to satisfy these men's fetishes. I don't know why these women would do this, I understand sometimes they need money and have no choice, I know disabled women get abused into doing porn or sex work, but I feel disgusted by the women who create this content willingly to satisfy the fetishes of predators who see disabled women as easy prey. My disability is not something to be fetishized, it's something I struggle with every day in my life. My wheelchair is neither a sex object, it's a tool I used to move around.

Because of these creepy men, I made my Instagram account private and I no longer post pictures of myself. I didn't even sexualize myself in these pictures, I was wearing average clothes, I hate how many men will sexualize anything from a woman.

And I've also stopped dating men for years after I had a boyfriend who was trying to take advantage of my disability. I've also been catcalled in the streets, and the men who have catcalled me have said sexual comments about my wheelchair. I find all of this gross.

I don't know if there are other physically disabled women like me in this community, but these have been my experiences as a disabled woman. But I think it's important that feminists, able-bodied or disabled, acknowledge the existence of "devotees" in order to protect disabled women from them.

Came across a leftist subreddit where they got into a discourse about sex work...Honestly I have no idea where the privilege or leftist delusion of sanitizing the real conditions of sex work to this extent is coming from...or how we are throwing around the word "christiofascist" when talking about feminists...It's genuinely baffling seeing people who claim to have an advanced understanding of nuance, use "christo-fascist" and swerf in the same sentence interchangeably...I see the sub constantly compare SWERFS to religious "utah" individuals and patriarchal fascists. And honestly I am starting to believe that these sex work-supporting feminists are at fault of the same ignorance they blame SWERFS to suffer from. Honestly I still can't properly wrap my head around sanitizing creating a industry around incredibly ageist exploitative and discriminatory patriarchal sexual standards and entitlement that is meant to demean womens sexual experiences and overall being...It's genuinely starting to make me think that all these marxist feminists forget the feminist aspect involved.

I have been involved with the discourse of misogyny in porn for nearly half a year now, and hope to help out sex workers and trafficked women in my religious 3rd world country once I'm older. However I need help to analyse these points better and apply a better feminist framework. I think we quite a few common sentiments with pro-sexwork feminists with the virtue of both being feminists but suddenly potraying SWERFS as these whorepobic religious fascists with no ounce of feminist advocacy is quite horribly reactionary...

Here are the quotes, I'd like to understand how we properly rebut these with more consistent logic and articulation..:

>Y’all manufacturer consent for violation of free speech and eugenics while collaborating with Christian fascists on common ground, but are propagandized and incentivized to exist in denial of it because as civilians y’all are always going to be elevated at the expense of criminalized stigmatized workers like us. Y’all rather they take us first because you’d prefer it’d be us they target instead of you. But they’ll eventually come for y’all too. This is a primary reason why we will never actually have communism. But yall don’t actually care, because there is no true personal investment in this fight for you. Y’all are cosplaying as radicals while making the world more dangerous for actual radicals like sex workers especially those of us that are Marxist sex workers.

>All work is exploitative. All work is selling your body. To a literal degree. Sex work is not special or uniquely exploitative just because it is sex. That is the christofascist hegemony speaking. This mod needs a lesson in leftism 101.
Like even in the average retail job the risks are spinal degeneration, chronic venous insufficiency, cardiac failure, joint damage... All work is exploitation and we can talk about it without disparaging a specific type of work. I think people also forget just how far reaching sex work is. Phone sex line operator? Sex worker. Saucy artist on Patreon? Sex worker. Sexy ASMR voice actor? Sex worker. Cam model? Sex worker. Dominatrix in a BDSM dungeon? Sex worker. Full service escort? Sex worker. Literally any profession that involves sex at its core is a sex worker. And they all deserve fair compensation, rights, and dignity. All of them. Just like anyone working a retail job or a construction job or even an office job - which ALSO comes with physical and mental risks, might I add.

>Second, painting sex work as "an industry based on rape and sexual violence of women" is exactly what Stephen Harper and Peter MacKay said when they introduced Bill C-36, also known as PCEPA, the laws towards prostitution here in Canada. Is there some reason why the mods here in this subreddit haven't listened to or read about the extreme dangers of these laws? Why are "leftist" mods repeating conservative talking points about us and our work? Talking points that sex workers have debunked for well over a decade now, when we speak often about the harms of the Nordic Model, and the beliefs behind these laws. Now the final part is the most insidious.. painting anyone who advocates for us, our rights, our autonomy, for us to be seen as humans, as workers, for us to be safer at work, as a predator. Labeling anyone who stands in solidarity with us as a predator, or "defending predators". Not only is this *exactly* what conservatives and fascists do(if not conservative, why conservative shaped??), but this is legitimately a very dangerous thing to be doing; it's pushing for us sex workers to be further isolated, and for anyone in our corner helping us fight for rights and justice to be labeled a predator and dismissed, which only encourages people to stay away from us more than they already do.

>Painting all our sexual experiences at work as rape quite literally leads to us experiencing increased levels of violence - this has been researched for years now, debate with the wall if you disagree. It also removes our autonomy in a way that encourages those looking to be violent to seek us out(if all the work we do is rape according to society and law, can you seriously not understand how that tells predators they can easily come assault us whenever they want?), as well as makes things much more difficult for us to seek support and justice when we actually do experience assault at work; How do we differentiate between the times when we're actually raped or not if, according to society and the law it's all the same?

>The ---mod says "there's countless examples of former sex workers leaving the industry and opposing it" as if that justifies anything they've said and done so far.. Why is the mods here only willing to listen to former sex workers, who are no longer at risk anymore like we are, and specifically only former sex workers who try pulling up the ladder behind them when they leave, by trying to make things more dangerous for those of us still in this work? Because just as many examples of former workers opposing the industry, is former workers who *don't* oppose it - why is the mods cherry-picking who they listen to? Disregarding the voices of those who don't align with their hatred of our work?

I AM IN EVERY MAN WHO WILL EVER LOVE YOU 

I clutch a bottle
against my chest
where my stuffed rabbit used to be.
    My own mother gave her to me
        to hold when I was scared. And I was scared.
    But didn’t yet know why 
        I should be. 

    Now I hold too tightly
        to high proof of the screams
            I cannot pull out from inside me,
        and wash my filthy insides clean with
            a stinging rush of anesthetic
                 to find the pleasure in my body, and
                    remember more clearly, like watching home movies,
        all the ways that he hurt me. 

Like a tape that jams, and skips and fades,
    I try to watch and remember being pretty and
wanting,
    thinking one day someone will love me,
                    could love me,
              and the things that I would do to myself
                              for that. 

Now sometimes I dream that I am suffocating and
pinned beneath a heavy body, heaving up against me.
      I cannot breath. 
          And I push and push against the air,
but there’s nobody above me. 

I have always been small, and wrong,
    and dirty.
      Thats what you told me,
          or what I remember, what I heard. 

Trapped beneath nothing at all,
    crying wolf,
    crying out for my mother because of my
    bad dreams.
      Twisting my stomach into knots, and
      not being normal enough, and
      messing things up, and
          embarrassing myself,

      like I still am. 
          Weak and silly. 

These days I know that
in that past,
through the screen, I’m
          just another game,
    and he’s just 
        the first to play. 

Pressing buttons til I break,
or grow old and boring,
and am thrown away. 

Sold for cheap, for the progress he made on me. 

Only in sterile printed words had I
come of age within a court case,
could I have threatened to regain
    my human shaped. 

While his own would twist and fade
into the shadow of an abstract monster. 
      And then the world would eat my face.  

      But I’m just as dirty as he told me.
          And its true that no one
          believes a word I say,
                        today.

In reflections 
I still see where we wrote slut across my face.
    And I see the eyes of others reading it too,
        like they can still see the memory,
            traced over in tattoos and scars and self abuse. 

I don’t want to get better.
I don’t want my rabbit back.
I threw her away.
I didn’t want her to look at me anymore,
because she was something sweet and pure,
and she wouldn’t be able to love me the same
or if I held her I’d feel too much pain. 

  He’d ask:
What’s the use in justice for the past
That you don’t deserve today? 

So I cry over nothing, becoming this no-one,
    just like the weight I can’t be rid of,
        and seek out shame to bring me pleasure
            til it unravels into hate. 

In my dreams I still can’t breath.
I still let him press down on me.
I'm still pushing, I feel my heart race,
    my fingers clawing up,
        pulling at the mask around his face. 

So he is nowhere
or he is everywhere,
In every man around me. 

Through the screen, I’m just another game
to every man 
who’s ever found me.