u/James_Skyvaper

This is a long letter (more like a novel I guess, tbh) that I wrote for my own healing and catharsis after dating and being emotionally traumatized by my ex. I have changed any names, incl my ex's name to Kassie and my current gf's name to Jess, to protect everyone's anonymity. Writing all of this out was helpful to me for processing and healing from this very toxic/abusive relationship, so if others are struggling, try writing everything out in a letter that you don't send.

Dear Kassie,

I am writing this because a lot of time has passed, my emotions are not as raw as they once were, and I want to say what I need to say, what is necessary for me to say for both our sake, from a calmer, clearer place free of anger, bitterness, pain, or fear.

I want to be very clear from the beginning: I am not writing this because I want to restart anything between us. I am not writing this to fight, to punish you, to shame you, or to pull you back into my life. I am in a loving, stable relationship now, and I do not want to reopen a door that I know needs to stay closed.

I am writing this for clarity, closure, honesty, and because I believe the truth matters. I believe that if two people ever truly cared about each other, then their experiences, pain, and perspective should matter too — even if the relationship is over.

For a long time, I tried to explain my feelings to you while we were talking, while emotions were heightened, but almost every attempt seemed to get turned into something else. Me expressing hurt became me “attacking” you. Me setting a boundary became me “hiding something” or being dishonest. Me saying that certain behaviors felt toxic, unhealthy, controlling, or unacceptable became, in your eyes, an attempt to shame you, make you feel small, or paint you as a monster.

That was never the point, and I apologize for using words like "monster" to describe you, but I was in an extreme amount of emotional pain and turmoil at the time — that's not making excuses, it's simply providing a reason and some clarity.

When I told you that something hurt me, I was not attacking you. I was trying to help you understand the impact your words and actions were having on me. Because, believe it or not, I have feelings too — men can feel all of the same, painful emotions that you or anyone else can feel.

When I tried to set a boundary, I was not abandoning you, hiding from you, deceiving you, or choosing someone/something else over you. I was trying to create the conditions for a healthier relationship — one where both people could feel respected, trusted, and safe.

When I said that certain behavior was toxic, unhealthy, controlling, or emotionally abusive, I was not saying you were worthless or unlovable. I was saying that the dynamic between us was hurting me severely and that it needed to change if there was ever going to be any chance of us having something stable, loving, and healthy.

But that is not what happened.

What happened instead was that my feelings were almost always dismissed, twisted, minimized, or turned back around on me. I often felt like I was not allowed to have my own pain unless it fit into the version of reality you had already decided was true. I felt like your pain mattered, your fears mattered, your boundaries mattered, your triggers mattered, your interpretations mattered — but mine did not.

And that was one of the most damaging parts of being with you.

I am not going to pretend I handled everything perfectly. I did not, far from it. There were times when I reacted from pain, panic, desperation, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. There were times when I said things too harshly, sent too many messages, pushed too hard for answers, or tried too desperately to get you to understand something you were not willing or able to hear. I can own that. And I have owned that many times.

But my reactions did not happen in a vacuum.

Within a few months, I felt like an animal backed into a corner. I felt like I was constantly being accused, policed, interrogated, doubted, punished, blocked, discarded, villainized, and emotionally cornered until I eventually reacted from the pain and pressure of it all. Then, once I reacted, the entire focus would shift away from what brought us there, and suddenly I was the problem. Suddenly my reaction became proof that you were the victim and I was the monster.

That pattern was deeply, incredibly unfair.

It often felt like you dragged me 99% of the way to the edge of a cliff while I begged us to stop, talk, calm down, and turn back. But once we were at the edge and I finally broke down or lashed out, you acted shocked that we went over the edge at all.

That is not accountability. That is not repair. That is not love.

Love is not punishment. Love is not control. Love is not isolation. Love is not interrogation. Love is not making someone feel like they have to erase themselves to keep you from leaving.

Love is not refusing to resolve conflict unless the other person abandons their own reality and submits to yours.

Love is not forcing someone to block friends, give up hobbies, avoid certain shows, stop playing certain games, stop listening to certain music, or live under constant suspicion because your fears tell you that everything and everyone is a threat.

Love is not demanding total honesty while also punishing honesty so severely that the other person no longer feels safe telling you anything that might make you uncomfortable.

Love is not taking the good parts of a relationship — affection, closeness, communication, reassurance, commitment, intimacy, attention — and weaponizing them as tools of punishment or control.

Love is not making someone beg for kindness.

Love is not kicking someone when they are already down.

When you love someone, you compromise. You forgive. You have grace. You show empathy. You try to understand the impact of your behavior. You apologize when you hurt them. You take accountability when you are wrong. You care about their feelings even when your own feelings are intense. You want them to have friends, support, hobbies, interests, joy, and a life outside of you.

You do not try to put them in a cage and call that love.

You once said that J (her "abusive narcissist" ex) “loved the cage.” I told you then, and I still believe now, that no one loves being in a cage. A person may tolerate a cage because they are afraid of losing someone, because they are trauma bonded, because they are desperate for love, because they want peace, or because they think submission will finally make the chaos stop.

But that is not love. That is not safety. That is not trust.

That is control.

And I felt controlled by you in ways that were not remotely healthy, fair, or loving.

I genuinely felt like I could not simply exist as a whole person. I felt like having my own identity was treated as a threat. My friends were treated as threats. My hobbies were treated as threats. Movies, TV shows, video games, music, Reddit, random apps, platonic phone calls, even basic human interactions with women in public were treated as threats.

That is not a relationship. That is emotional imprisonment.

There were countless moments where harmless things became evidence against me in your mind. A man’s shirt in a Facebook profile photo somehow became proof that I was hiding a woman from you. A brief conversation with C (my lifelong platonic female friend) about helping her find a refurbished phone became, in your mind, evidence that I had deleted years of secret messages, even though that was never true. A random app account, which I used for saving work and files, somehow became suspicious, as if I was using a programming and file-sharing platform to meet women. Falling asleep became a reason for you to accuse me of cheating, doing drugs, or being somewhere I was not.

Those things were not betrayals. They were not evidence. They were not threats to you.

They were examples of your fear filling in blanks with the worst possible assumptions about me, and then treating those assumptions as if they were facts.

I am currently building a new PC and wanting to transfer data from 4 lower capacity HDDs/SSDs to larger ones. I am looking for CMR drives, ideally from well-known MFRs for the HDDs. I prefer these models — Seagate Ironwolf, WD Red Plus/Pro, WD Blue, or HGST drives.

As for a 4TB SSD, I would prefer these brands/models — Samsung 870 Evo, Crucial MX500, WD Blue 3D NAND, SanDisk Ultra 3D, or WD Red.

My budget is roughly $100–$200 for the HDD depending on capacity, model, age and health, and approximately $175–$250 for the SSD depending on the model and remaining life.

Please be able to provide the exact model number and a current CrystalDiskInfo/SMART screenshot showing health, power-on hours, total writes where applicable, and any errors. Local sale preferred but not necessary, thanks.

I am looking for an 8, 10, or 12TB HDD to be used as an internal hard drive. I would prefer a Seagate Ironwolf, WD Red Pro, or other 7200rpm HDDs, but I'm pretty flexible.

For context, I'm setting up a new system in my house and wanted something easy for my bedroom since I plan to move my 5.1.4 component system into the living room — I just ordered the Ambeo Plus soundbar open box for $350, so I'm just wondering if this is the best option for decent Atmos/surround sound in the sub-$500 range. I already have an SVS sub to add to it, so I'm just curious to hear some opinions from people who have owned this soundbar. I can't imagine that there's a better sounding system for such a low price considering the Plus originally had a $1500 MSRP.

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I have also heard that there were a number of bugs that had to be dealt with on the Ambeo Plus, but I'm hoping they've fixed those in the last year or so. Can anyone provide any advice or opinions on whether this was a solid purchase, or if there's anything better in the $500 price range. Also, how is the room correction? My living room has pretty low eaves (slanted ceilings) so I'm just curious if the room correction works well in different shaped rooms. For reference, my living room is about 15x12, with about 4ft of flat ceiling and the other 8ft are slanted eaves. Thanks for any advice and help y'all can offer!

For context, I'm setting up a new system in my house and wanted something easy for my bedroom since I plan to move my 5.1.4 component system into the living room — I just ordered the Ambeo Plus soundbar open box for $350, so I'm just wondering if this is the best option for decent Atmos/surround sound in the sub-$500 range. I already have an SVS sub to add to it, so I'm just curious to hear some opinions from people who have owned this soundbar. I can't imagine that there's a better sounding system for such a low price considering the Plus originally had a $1500 MSRP.

I have also heard that there were a number of bugs that had to be dealt with on the Ambeo Plus, but I'm hoping they've fixed those in the last year or so. Can anyone provide any advice or opinions on whether this was a solid purchase, or if there's anything better in the $500 price range. Also, how is the room correction? My living room has pretty low eaves (slanted ceilings) so I'm just curious if the room correction works well in different shaped rooms. For reference, my living room is about 15x12, with about 4ft of flat ceiling and the other 8ft are slanted eaves. Thanks for any advice and help y'all can offer!