u/JammingScientist

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to proceed from this?

So in the past 6ish months, I've gone to 3 different dentists, for various reasons. The one that I usually go to doesn't take my new insurance, so I went to a different one that gave me weird vibes (it was a chain dentistry), and so last I went to a different one today.

The first two dentists told me I do have early stage gum disease. They poked and prodded my teeth, saw the blood and inflammation, and said I have it. I forget how deep my pockets were but I think it was maybe a 2 or 3. One of them is a reputable place (a university-based dental clinic), so i don't doubt them.

So i went to a new place today after seeing that they take my insurance, and the didn't even poke my teeth or anything. They just used the mirror and glanced at them and said I don't have gum disease and that they cannot do a deep cleaning/root planing on me, but that I can schedule and come back for a regular cleaning. Is that normal?

Of course I'm thrilled to hear i might not have gum disease, but it just seems weird to me that two different dentists said I do have it, and then one that didn't even dig into my gums or anything said I didn't. What should I do in this case? Of course i dont want to just assume i dont have it and risk losing my teeth. I know i can go back to the university office, but since they don't take my insurance, it'll be about $434 per quadrant, and that's without including the price for numbing and all that.

Damn, there's this huge event going on at my university (not going to say what because I don't want to give away where I attend school), and there are so many hot as fuck people. Especially with the kind of event it is.

All these people from all over, here to have fun and enjoy themselves. All the guys with their pretty blonde girlfriends (especially given the kind of event it is, most of the girls here are blonde and/or white) and in revealing clothes, showing off their perfect bodies. Guys showing off their muscles and nice jawlines

I feel like shit. Just stuck inside my office/lab working (which happens to literally be right across from where the event is), watching everyone go and enjoy themselves while I do nothing. I'm not even into these kinds of things, but I wish I had someone to go with me like a bf or friends or something, but I have no one. And I can't even go outside and bring myself close to the event because I'm too ugly to be outside around these people, and itll look weird standing there alone while everyone else is with all their friends. Plus I look even more disgusting than usual right now because I had to leave my apartment in the first place in a frenzy because there's a crack in my window and all these bug keep coming in through it, so im all hot and sweaty right now from parking my car really far away to get something in my lab to cover whole and walking in the extreme heat, hair a mess, clothes disgusting and covered in sweat.

I should have gone home before all these people got here but I'm scared I won't be able to get to where my car is since it's probably buried behind a whole bunch of other cars now

My boss is forcing me to have to go to this conference, basically where people who do research at universities and other companies present their research. And I have to go because a) he's being honored there b) i have to present at a certain number of conference yearly due to a contract that pays me and c) even if a and b weren't true, he'd still force me to go because it's a good "learning opportunity" even though he KNOWS i hate doing that shit and that I'm horrible at presenting.

And everyone else that i work with will be going with their wives/gfs, so I'll be the only one there alone. And it'll be so boring. Even my boss will be bringing his wife i think (I'm not sure though, since she's really old, like in her early 80s, and has been sick for a while but he said he usually brings her with him places). And I'm going to be in a brand new place with no one to enjoy it with. And apparently the city I'm going to is full of rude people, so as an ugly woman, I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

Especially since when I've traveled in the past, people are always rude to me. I've had to travel alone for other conferences or sit away from my family since there wasn't enough seats and stuff, and people will loudly talk about me like I'm not even there or be very disrespectful towards me. I was hoping my family would at least be able to come with me, but my parents have to work, and my brother will be just starting his new internship the same week I have to go.

If I were pretty, I'd at least have a bf to go with. Or I wouldn't have to worry about traveling and being around new people alone because people would be interested in talking to me and knowing me. But instead I'll have to travel and figure things out all alone, go to events at the conference all alone, give my presentation all alone (and if people watch it, then they will definitely ask hard as fuck questions to intimidate me since they like making ugly people feel like shit and look dumb in front of others).

Sometimes i miss being a kid again. Don't get me wrong, being in middle/high school and stuff were extremely rough. Kids are rude and have zero filter, and you'll definitiely know if you're ugly around them. But what I miss is that no one was safe. It was like almost everyone was targeted if you weren't one of the super hot attractive popular people.

Sure I sat alone at lunch everyday, and sure people would say I looked like a serial killer, and sure people would say shitty things whenever I'd ask questions in class, and randomly tell me rude things when I was sitting next to them, and sure teachers would be unfair towards me. BUT first of all, I had the spunk and nerve to say something back. I wouldn't let people walk all over me. Now I have to keep my head down and just take it since I'm supposed to be an adult and be the more "mature one" and also there's worse consequences now. Kids won't tell on you if you say something back, but an adult will definitiely say something and make you get fired. Also if something did happen, the worse thing you get is like detention or something, whereas as an adult, you could be without a job, especially since no one will care or side with you if the other person that caused you to lash out in the first place is average/attractive.

Second, people were rude to everyone lol. For example, I remember there was this girl I thought was extremely pretty and so many boys had crushes on her. I used to literally pray to wake up looking like her. But then this one guy who had previously liked her saw her when she returned from summer break and then loudly declared in front of everyone how she looked like a monkey now. I didn't feel like I was the only one targeted since when you're young, kids will just be rude to everyone, regardless of if you're actually ugly or not. It was rare if you didn't have insults being hurled your way constantly. And also, most kids look ugly anyways since they're still growing into their bodies and are awkward and immature, so its fine.

But being around adults, if you're still ugly, then you'll be the odd one out. And people will only target you, and it makes you feel bad about yourself. I'll be the only person people are shitty towards now, and it makes me feel subhuman, especially since they're all adults who you'd expect not to be this way. And they're nastier about it too and weaponize your pain and suffering.

Anyways, I realized im making this really long, but yeah

I'm in grad school, and its common that when students give presentations on their research, they list their entire lab and thank them. It's just common courtesy ig, and shows that you're appreciative of the people around you who have helped you get to where you are.

I've noticed that several times, people will have literally every one else's name up there EXCEPT MINE. Like almost every one I go to. I just went to one right now, where this guy was giving his qualifying exam which is super imprtant for PhD students, and I really hoped that his would have my name on there, and of course NOPE. It had everyone else, even people who already graduated from the lab on there...but it didn't have mine.

And I also went to a different presentation earlier this week, and mine also wasn't there.

And it's like I constantly deal with this. One time, this undergrad that I helped mentor didn't even put my name on there. He put his other mentor (another grad student) who helped him on his research, but he didn't even bother putting me. Thankfully, that time, someone who was sitting next to me called him out on it and asked why he didn't have my name there even though I'm sitting right there, watching his presentation and supporting him. And it got fixed. But it's so fucking awkward every time this shit happens. Especially since most times, it never gets mentioned by anyone, people just keep it the way it is and leave my name off

Especially since i always make sure to list every single person and make sure no one is left out. Mines are always the longest by far because I always want to give credit where it's due and make sure everyone is acknowledged. But no one ever returns that same favor to me

It's even worse when I go to meetings and stuff, and I'm the only one who isn't introduced.

I know it's stupid, but honestly, that small little acknowledgement of having my name up at the end of the presentations with everyone else's honestly means a lot to me. They dont have to say my name, just have it there to be seen. So seeing everyone just ignore my existence because I'm ugly really hurts and makes me wonder if anyone even sees any use to me. Or if I'm just there to shit on and clown on. It just proves that literally no one cares about me or wants to include me in anything. Especially since they always have everyone else but me, it just makes me die inside a little each time.

While an attractive person can mess every thing up, and not do shit, people will still at least acknowledge them in their research

I was just reminiscing about these people I knew back in high school. I've been unfortunate enough to run into extremely shitty people in every stage of my life, but in high school, I was part of a very smart group of people. The problem was that all of them were very attractive too, while I was not. So all of them hated me and excluded me for it.

I would try to talk to and befriend them and they'd all be super rude towards me or ghost/ignore my messages, and have a pissed off face whenever I'd try to make conversation. And the weird part is, I was exactly like them. I liked math, I liked science, I was part of scholar bowl and debate team and all that. I took the hardest classes. I was even ranked number 3 in my entire graduating class. Literally the only reason I wasn't number one or two (valedictorian or salutatorian) was because lowkey i didn't study and also because I got D in one of my classes because my teacher just never taught shit and would get pissed off if I asked questions because he wanted to just sit on his computer all day. But my GPA wasn't that far behind theirs and I would have easily been number one if I didn't slack off and start getting Bs in all my classes because I didn't find them interesting enough (I wanted to do engineering but my parents forced me to take medical/biology classes). The only difference between me and these people was that I was ugly.

Anyways, all of those people were rude to me, and absolutely shitty towards me. They went out with the popular and super attractive people at school, since they were all attractive too while I stayed single (and still am single, literally have no experience in dating). They looked down on me even more when they found out that rather than going to Harvard and Stanford and MIT and Columbia and stuff like they all were, I decided to stay at home and attend a small local university to save money and also because id be having a full ride (i regret it now but for other reasons).

Even the non super smart people ghosted me and treated me bad. It was like I was nothing even though I was outgoing (at the time, but quiet and depressed now). People lied about me, spread mean things about me, said I looked like serial killer and stuff.

But i think if I ran into those people one day, I'd definitely make it seem like I'm not still that loser that they knew. I'd say I'm getting married soon, that I'm marrying a very handsome and kind man who goes to an Ivy league, that I currently attend a top 3 university for grad school, etc. I'd want to rub it in their faces that I didn't completely fail at everything and even though I'm ugly, things worked out for me (even though it it didn't). I get nervous that I will run into these people one day though and they'll see how much of a creepy loser I still am.

It's so depressing seeing all these people walking around, taking pics with their family and friends and SOs. Everyone is in a happy and festive mood, all dressed up for taking pics in their gowns and regalia. Happy to say they finally made it and have completed a degree.

It's sad because I won't have anyone who'll be there for me. To finish my degree program, which is a PhD, I'll need to present the outcome of my research, and usually people have tons of their friends at theirs but since I'm ugly and don't have any friends, the room will be empty when I finally do mine.

Plus, it's hard to see all the girls out in their nice beautiful dresses, looking stunning and posing for pictures and having their friends and SOs take their pics for them and with them. Their bodies look perfect in their clothes, their hair is styled to perfection, their faces are beautiful.

Meanwhile, I don't want to take any pictures when I graduate because I'll look so disgusting in them. My perpetually frizzy hair and ugly face and skinny fat body will just look wrong and weird. I won't really have anyone to take my pictures for me anyways beside my parents and brother, but its not really the same to have your friends, sorority sisters, boyfriend, etc to take pics.

I didn't go to my undergrad graduation for this exact reason, but my parents forced me to go to my high school one and it was so awkward since everyone had people clapping and cheering when they went up, but no one had clapped for me. And also people had spread mean lies about me a few days before my HS graduation, so it was even more awkward

Edit: yeah I definitely can't attend my graduation. I'm at one rn because someone in my lab is graduating, and everyone has someone cheering so loudly for them and tons of extended family and friends there. It'll be so quiet when I (hopefully) graduate next year. And I don't want to be displayed on this big screen. It's also weird to see people who were in classes i TAd and stuff who treated me like shit getting their degrees now

For years now, ever since I was like 8 years old, I've wished I could wake up with straight blonde hair, big light eyes, light eyes, small nose, pouty pink lips. Beautiful. Stunning. Desirable.

Not all girls look like that, but many are close enough. Maybe they have dark hair, or dark eyes, or tan skin, etc. They don't look exactly like what is considered the most beautiful in the world, but they have enough features close to or similar to it that they can be viewed as beautiful or desirable in their own ways. That's why you have a lot of guys who prefer east Asian women, brunettes, red heads, Latinas, middle eastern, etc women

But of course my ugly ass ended up with little every single one of my features being the exact opposite of that. Instead, I ended up with dark skin, dark eyes with bad undereye circles, very tightly curled 3c/4a hair (which I know makes me lucky in a way since its not 4c hair but it's still very curly and looks ugly on me), big ass wide nose, big nostrils, lips that are brown and discolored and somehow big but flat at the same time (not cute and pouty), bad bone structure, etc.

As a result, I'm no ones type.

How did I end up looking the exact opposite of how I want to look? And how is it that how I look happens to be considered one of ugliest and undesirable phenotypes on the planet? I swear I must have been cursed because this shit just doesn't make sense. I've literally wished my entire life to look one way, and I look the exact opposite of that. As different from that as you can possibly get, and directly because of that, my life is shit

I feel like it's not that far fetched to think that if we lived in societies where things weren't so strict, and people weren't afraid of any repercussions, they absolutely would do some shitty and violent things to us. It's only that the promise of jail and punishment prevents them from doing it. But if given the chance, they'd do it.

Especially since in a lot of countries, less than 100 years ago, it would have been completely fine for someone to murder me just because of my skin tone. Being black meant that I wasn't considered human and thus didn't have the same protections against me as others did. And that's not that long ago. And it's not like those types of attitudes and violence goes away. It's just that people know that laws are in place now.

Many people at their core are very sadistic and evil.

And it's not everyone. Most people just ignore us or hate on us but go on their merry way afterwards. But those people who gain genuine pleasure in making us feel bad, and shitting on us are the ones I'd be afraid of. Like those guys I made a post about a few days ago. How they didn't just laugh at me, but deliberately made sure I knew they were laughing at me by turning around not once but multiple times to look me right in the eye and laugh at me as they walked away. They wanted me to know I disgusted them and wanted me to walk away feeling shame and hate for myself. They wanted me to be confused and feel bad about my existence. They wanted there to be no doubt that I'd walk away feeling horrible. If cameras weren't everywhere at my university, if it weren't broad daylight, if we weren't near a road where people could drive by...who knows what they could have done.

Im talking about the people in my life who have made sure to go out of their way to scream at me, laugh at me, mock me, put me down, insult me, etc.

Those are the types of people who I think if given the chance, they'd absolutely torture, murder, and abuse us. But because they can't, they settle for the next best thing and get as close to it as they possibly can without breaking the law. And that fact scares me, especially as the world is changing and becoming, and the definition of what is considered acceptable and not acceptable is being blurred or defined very differently these days. Especially since many people know most of us ugly people don't have any friends or SOs, a lot of us walk alone, etc so they know no one would really try to look for us or anything

I feel like everyone says that women have it easier on dating apps since they're oversaturated with men and also most people on there are desperate, but that hasn't been my experience at all. I haven't been on dating apps in a while because they were genuinely causing me a lot of stress and trauma, but back when I did use them, they made me feel extremely shitty.

I started off using the more "professional" types of apps like Coffee Meets Bagels, and got about like 3-4 likes. Which is better than nothing ig, but ALL of them would ghost after like 1-3 messages. I would try to be interesting and engaging, and nothing would matter because they'd just completely disappear.

So then I tried more mainstream apps like hinge, and got a few more likes (about like 7ish) and the same thing would happen. With hinge, I would pay to see the likes, just to be able to vet them first and see if they were a normal guy (not someone looking for a third, someone who has normal hobbies and interests, etc). And they all seemed normal, but I'd never get a response from like 50% of them. Just straight up no response. Then the other half would either a) ghost after 1-3 messages, or b) send one or two word responses and be extremely boring and clearly uninterested in talking. I'd be busting my ass trying to talk and keep the conversation going, but its hard to do that when literally nothing is given to you but "yeah", "no", etc. And honestly, it didn't matter since yoj knew they weren't interested anyways.

It made me want to rip my hair out. I feel like everyone says it's much easier for women, but that's not always the case. I probably got screened out a lot too due to people being able to filter by race since I'm black.

Things like Bumble gave me even more of a heart attack because I'd be checking my messages to see if I got any responses, only for the timer to run out after 24 hours and my match to go away. This just proves that a lot of guys just blindly swipe on women in hopes of maximizing their chances, but it doesn't mean they're actually interested in the women they swipe on.

Guys who even asked women not to ghost them in their bios still ghosted me. Every time I got ghosted, I felt closer and closer to going crazy because it was so depressing and I'd already expect them to ghost me even before the conversation started.

Anyways, it doesn't matter. I tried talking to guys on reddit as well, many who said they were FA (forever alone) as well, same thing would happen. They'd ghost as soon as they saw what I looked like or find any excuse to not talk to me anymore and stuff. Now I just want to focus on getting my studies done because I'm under a lot of stress as a grad student and don't want to deal with any dating shit anymore.

But I did meet one guy from the apps which was nice. He ghosted and blocked me after we met in person, but that was my first (and last) date I ever went on and it made me so happy, I'll never forget it. It happened 6 years ago now, but i still think about it sometimes.

It makes me wish I were a pretty girl so I'd get actual interest on apps (or not even need apps since I'd get attention irl, but instead I'm disgusting and ugly

Sorry, I know I've been posting a lot today, this is my last one. I promise. This just happened today and I'm just tired of dealing with ts. I've been studying all day for finals and finishing final assignments and projects and all that, so I decided to go and grab a snack at my universitys cafeteria and stretch my legs. As I was leaving and eating my snack, I saw a group of guys walking in my direction. Already, I was on alert because as us uglies know...whenever we see a group of people, it's usually not a good thing.

So I tried just ignore them and keep going and not pay attention to them. But I couldn't help notice them laughing at me. I tried to rationalize with myself. Even though I've had people laugh at me many times before, it doesn't mean these guys necessarily were. Maybe one just told a funny joke. So I kept walking and finding a good place to sit and eat and mind my own business

But the guys kept laughing, and worse kept turning around multiple to look back at me, so I know for sure they were laughing at me. One was even doubling over in laughter as he looked back at me. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and tears prick in the corner of my eyes. I shakingly went and hid behind a building until I knew they were gone and felt safe enough to come out and hurry up back to the building i was studying in.

It's just so exhausting and painful dealing with this on a regular basis. I dont understand what's so funny about seeing our faces. I just wish I could be met with a kind smile or just neutrality when I go places, rather than rude whispers, laughs, glares, grimaces, disgust, hate, etc. I've already been feeling stressed out from school and work and life in general, but this just made me feel like complete shit since I've been dealing with a lot more ugly experiences lately now that I've been going outside more.

I hate being so disgusting. I hate it more than anything in the world. This is why I always keep my mask on me but I forgot it in my room today and didn't think I'd need since there are less people on campus since classes are over and only finals are left. But I guess I was wrong sadly.