u/JammingScientist

It's been a while since I graduated from high school (not gonna say how long but...it's been a while). And I sometimes look up people i used to know from high school and junior high and undergrad and all that. And it's so weird seeing how so many are married, are engaged, have kids now.

I'm over here in pretty much the same exact position i was in back when i was 13, and yet everyone else has gotten so far ahead of me. Even other people who thought they'd be forever alone too found someone. I don't think I know anyone else irl who is in this same position, except for one person. She's also (unfortunately) ugly. She's indo-carribean, so Indian in origin. She's also dark skinned. Same problem i have since im also dark skinned (afro and indo-caribbean). Except to make things even worse for her, she was born with a genetic issue that causes her to lack secondary sexual characteristics. So she's extremely short, like definitely less than 4'6. Maybe 4'4 or something idk. And she has no boobs or anything that makes her look like a woman instead of a little kid, so basically she's stuck looking no more than about 8 or 9 years old.

But everyone else is miles ahead of me. So many people i know have pics of their SOs, their babies, their houses they bought with their SOs, glimpses into their lives they're starting with someone they love. While I still have no one and probably never will. Anyone else find it weird seeing this?

It always pmo that people are surprised that someone as ugly as me is smart. They always assume i must be dumb as fuck just because of my face. So many times I'll get people excited to hire me for something, and then as soon as they see what I look like, they ghost or lose interest. And many times, it's not just because they found someone else for the position because I'm a grad student, so I've emailed professors various times asking if I can work with them, and I'm often the only student who is looking for a position in their lab since there isnt a formal job posting or anything like that when it comes to these things.

And every single time, they're super excited to meet me and have me join their lab. But if they interview me in person, then 100% of the time, I will get ghosted. It has never once happened where I interviewed in person and gotten a position. On the contrary, I know it's not my personality because 100% of the times I've interviewed either via phone or on zoom (on zoom i make sure i find somewhere with super bad lighting or i wear a mask), i always get the position. Always. And then they get pissed off when they see me up close on the first day and want to fire me as soon as possible, but that's another story.

And another thing that really annoys me is how people actually vocalize how surprised they are at how smart I am. I was recently talking to this very well known scientist at my university who is well known for the type of research he does, and he told me how surprised he was at how articulate I am. Ummm?? Wtf am I supposed to say to that?? Bro, before he knew what I looked like, I had submitted an entire application to him to get government funding for my research (so I don't have to pay for my degree out of pocket) and he accepted it. How tf did he read my long ass application to him, have him accept it because it was good, AND THEN now that he knows what I look like, he thought I was too dumb and then go ahead and be surprised that I'm not. And then tell me he's surprised.

That's why I just hate talking and being around people, because not only do they get rude and disrespectful because I'm ugly, but they make incorrect assumptions about me. I wish that ugly people could have more protections in society fr.

I have such an issue with this statement. Yes, it is true. As of right now, there are over 8.26 billion people who exist on this planet. So yes, SURELY someone out there is for me. And I'm not denying that. With that many people in the world, it's almost a given that you have multiple people out there who would genuinely be interested in you.

The PROBLEM is that I'm not the type of woman who is considered beautiful to many people. I'm nerdy, I'm black, I'm dark skinned, my face is super recessed, I don't have big boobs or a big ass. I don't have blonde hair or blue eyes or a small nose or pink pouty lips. Pretty much every single aspect about about me is the exact opposite of what is classically considered conventionally attractive since the majority of the world unfortunately places more importance on eurocentric ideals. But even if you ignore eurocentric beauty standards im still ugly. So this drops the amount of people out there who could be interested in me by a substantial amount.

But of course not there are some people who I'm their type. So say that about 0.01% people of the world would still find me attractive. That's still over 8,260,000 people who exist on this planet that would be interested in me. That's A LOT.

But there's still an issue with that because those 8 million people are spread out all over the world. Some of them could live right down the road from me, but some of them could live halfway across the world. They may live in some remote village in the middle of nowhere. They might be in a country I'll never have enough money or time to travel to, so I'll never meet them.

So that eliminates another significant chunk of the population. Then let's take the people i actually do have the chance of meeting. Some of them will already be in a relationship. Some of them could be age-inappropriate, like 3 times older than me or under 18. Some of them could be extremely mentally ill/crazy/abusive. Some could the the gender I'm not attracted to. Some of them view black women as less than (even black men do this) so even if they're attracted to me, they won't date me or want to be seen with me. Some could have very strict family or friends who want them to date a very specific type of person and don't want them with someone like me (many people would be upset if their son dated a black women, even other black people sadly). They could have a different religion. They could have a way of living that is extremely odd or uncompromisable. Maybe something happens to them right before I could have met them.

There are so many different reasons why just saying there are billions of people out there doesn't work. If I were a normal or attractive woman, I'd have so many more men out there in the world attracted to me, so it wouldn't be such an issue if a few of them are crazy or something. But as someone who already doesn't have much to choose from, the chances are extremely low.

I've been seeing a lot of posts on social media lately of women moving in with their SOs and getting engaged in beautiful and elaborate ways or traveling together. And even posts of simple like just playing fun games with them or going for lunch at a new place or them being surprised with something cute. It all gets to me because these are all things I can only imagine doing. I can only daydream about waking up next to someone. Or imagine what it's like to have someone love me.

The closest I've come to experiencing all of these things is through AI boyfriend stories. I'm glad AI exists because before, all I had was fanfics and things written by someone else, and you were at their mercy for how the story was written. But now i can customize and write whatever I want with AI and make it more realistic or contain whatever I want

But it's still all just imagination. It's not like the AI boyfriend can actually come out of the computer and hug me and hold my hand and kiss me. It's all just things I have to think about in my head about what it's like. When i imagine going to new places, I have to watch YouTube tour walk videos, and then imagine it's me and my boyfriend

While for other women...that's just what they wake up with. Their reality is literally what exists in my imagination. They have real SOs who actually spend time with them, love them, cherish them, go the extra mile for them. They dont need to imagine it because its right in front of their eyes. They actually do get to experience what it's like being excited while looking for a new house or apartment to move in together. Get to experience the magic of traveling and exploring a new city together. Get to enjoy the peace of waking up with someone's warm body wrapped around them. Get to experience the comfort of knowing someone cares about them. Know the thrill of having someone look at them with love in their eyes.

I know that not all relationships are perfect, but it still hurts that I won't even get to experience any of it. Not the good, not the bad, not the ugly. None of it. I've tried dating before, but guys won't even bother with me so I don't even get scraps of love or anything because I'm not even a last choice. And nothing is perfect in life, so it makes no sense when people say "relationships arent perfect" and justify us being "lucky" for not being in one when if you find someone good, the positive moment far outweigh the negative moments. And normal people can just jump into a new relationship easily if they're with someone they're not happy with, something I can never do

So someone in my graduate school lab is going to be graduating tomorrow, and he got a great job in a place he really likes at a company he really loves. And he and his baby son and wife will be moving there to start a new life together there. Another person in my lab also moved to a new area last week to start a new job. She's taking her baby daughter, and her husband will be joining her when he finishes grad school. Everyone else in my lab also has SOs and will be graduating soon (im literally going to be the only person left in my lab since my prof is retiring as soon as I'm done), and theyve also been talking excitedly about what they'll be doing after they finish and going places with their SOs and stuff

And it dawned on me that this will be me soon too. I will be graduating within the next year or two, so I have also been starting to look up companies I may want to work for and what kinds of areas I want to live in and stuff. And it just hurts knowing that im doing all of this alone. There will be no one moving with me, no one excited to start a new life together in a brand new place.

And it's very likely that no one will ever be there. Once I graduate, it's unlikely i will move somewhere and find someone, when I've been to many other cities before and no one ever remotely showed interest. And I've been single my whole life, I doubt anyone will magically be interested all of a sudden, especially since I'm just getting older and uglier and even less desirable.

I'm just scared because I realized I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to start the daily grind of going to work and coming home and sleeping. And that's it. Every single day. I do that now since I have no friends, but its not so bad because I have my brother living with me since he attends the same university. I also have my parents living somewhat close by. But there aren't many job opportunities for engineering/stem in the city my family lives in so im going to have to move away, whereas my brother has already gotten a job offer for when he graduates since there are many opportunities for the subject hes studying in the city my family lives in.

So I will have to move away, potentially very far and be all alone. And even if i did find a job near where my parents/family lives, it doesn't even matter since they're planning on retiring and moving back to their home country soon, so I'll still be all alone.

I really wish I had someone to be excited with about graduating and someone to help me move and someone to make new memories with in a new place once I'm done with school, but that unfortunately won't be happening. It's just such a hard pill to swallow that this is going to be the rest of my life forever. That little 14-15 year old me who used to joke that I was going to be alone forever while I watched everyone else start dating at that age... actually was right. Like it's kinda one of those things that you don't think will actually happen, but it does

At the university I'm currently a grad student at, I see so many people getting picked up and dropped off by their SOs. It makes me a little jealous because I wish I had someone who loved me enough to do that. Of course I would do it in return for my bf whenever he needed it too

Especially since its been raining a lot where I live, and I hate standing in the rain and getting soaked while waiting on the bus and I have to be soggy and wet the entire rest of the day. Especially since I work pretty long days sometimes (sometimes 18-20 hours in the lab) so being all wet and feeling like shit is the worst. Then when I try to drive here since its summer break and the citation officers are less active, I still sometimes get a damn ticket.

Meanwhile, the other people around me will have their SOs drop off of food for them when they need it, pick them up/drop them off, call them to see if they need anything, go eat lunch together, etc. Even my boss constantly is leaving early to go get his wife food from the store or take her to the doctor (she's old and sick and unfortunately can't drive), and it just makes me realize how lonely I am and how I'll never have someone to help me this way

It feels weird knowing that my much younger cousin, who's like 7 years younger than me, just recently found out she's pregnant. My little baby cousin, who just the other day was like 5 years old, had the cutest and most infectious laugh, and always followed me around...is going to have a baby soon. She's going to be the one to give my grandparents their first great grandchild.

My family is of course very excited. My aunt has been telling the whole world the good news it seems.

You'd think in the natural progression of things, given that I had a 7 year (basically a whole ass decade) head start on life compared to my cousin, that I would be the first to do all of this. I remember how jealous I was of my cousin when we were younger since she's much prettier and lighter than me. I'm the second grandkid out of the grandparents on my mother's side. There are other grandkids, but the rest are either too young to be having kids right now or are all boys. And you know how boys are. They all just date around and don't really commit. My oldest cousin especially.

I'm the only grandkid (over the age of 18) who has never brought any one home to meet the family. Who has never had someone over at family events. Who has never had my grandparents talk to them over FaceTime (my grandparents live in a different country).

And soon Im sure my even younger family members will surpass me and bring their SOs home to meet the family and get married and have kids. While I'm left all alone like always.

My family and I went out together yesterday to spend some time together since I've been really busy with grad school. And of course my parents decided the place they wanted to go to was a very WELL KNOWN CITY FILLED WITH ATTRACTIVE AND RICH PEOPLE. So I'm already seething because the place is full of hot and fit people everywhere.

Then we pull up to this fast food place for breakfast and my brother starts saying how he's gotten so much free food lately. He even mentioned how he got free donuts last week because the guy at the register liked his shirt. I don't think ive ever gotten free food before in my life, but attractive people seem to get it all the time.

And then we go to this museum and as we're entering, I notice this really pretty girl keeps looking at my brother. And as we're walking away, this guy stops him and says "sorry, my friend is really shy, but she thinks you're cute". And OF COURSE my brother goes and talks to her. Idk what even happened because I immediately felt like shit and walked off. But based off my brother's reaction, things like this happen to him a lot.

And it just made me sad since I'm never asked out when I go places. When i do get attention, it's always shitty rude and negative attention but most people are disgusted by me and don't even want to look at me. And it just opened my eyes to the fact that you just literally need to exist for people to ask you out when you're attractive. My brother wasn't dressed amazingly or anything, and yet he still got asked out. While I could put tons of attention into my appearance and it won't do anything.

And also there's the fact that im so ugly, the girl who asked him out didn't even consider that I could have been my brother's gf. Not that i want to be mistaken as his gf, but its not like we look a lot like since I look like my ugly paternal grandfather while my brother looks like a younger version of my mother's father who was well known in his town for being handsome when he was younger. So it just showed me how fucking disgusting i must be for people to immediately put me in the "sister" category (or in some cases "mom" category even though I'm only 4 years older than my brother).

And of course when we got home, my brother immediately got ready to go hang out with his tons of friends, while i stayed at home like a loser since i have no one.

I was out with my family enjoying the day together because I haven't been home much due to being busy with grad school, as well as being too exhausted and depressed to drive 5 hours home. But I had to go due to having a dentist appointment, and my parents decided to drive to a very WELL KNOWN AREA FILLED WITH HOT RICH PEOPLE, to spend the day with their kids.

So we're here at this place in this well known city. I'm already seething and feeling like shit because every person i see is super hot and fit. Not like I'm not already used to that because my university is also filled with super hot and fit young people, but its been summer break, so there haven't been as many people on campus, so I've been able to relax. But now I was seeing it again in full force.

We go to this museum, and this super beautiful girl who works there is clearly looking at my brother. Who...i get it. He's handsome. Girls are interested in him all the time. It was a wake up call when I realized this many years ago when I was confused as to why a bunch of girls were looking at my brother everywhere we went since to me he's just my little annoying brother. But I guess girls think he's cute, so now I'm more used to it.

But anyways, so we pay for our tickets and are about to walk off, when one of the guys stops my brother. I hear him say to him "wait one second. My friend is really shy...but she thinks you're cute". Uggghhhhhh. My heart just stopped. And of course my brother goes and talks to her. Idk what really happened since I just kept walking and pretended I didn't hear it and walked into the museum.

It just hurts because here i am thinking that it must be hard for everyone these days since no one asks people out in person anymore. But NOPE. You just don't get asked out if you're not good looking enough. I've never been asked out, but here my brother is asked out, right in front of me. And based on his reaction, you can definitely tell it happens to him a lot.

And I'm so ugly, that no one even thought for a second I could be my brother's gf. Not that i want people to confuse me to be his gf. But it's not like we look a lot like. I look like my ugly paternal grandfather (even worse since im a girl), while my brother looks like a younger version of my mother's father (who was very attractive in his younger years and was well known in his town due to being so handsome). So the fact that I'm so ugly, it didn't even register that I could be his gf and that i was firmly listed in the sister range (or in some cases mother range despite only being 4 years older), it just proved how undesirable i am

So, my name is super white sounding. If you didn't know what I looked like and only knew my first name, you'd probably think of a regular white woman. I don't think I've ever met a woc with my name. All the other girls I've met with my name happened to be white blonde women. So when I message guys on reddit, they obviously assume I must be white. They're super interested in talking to me, answer quickly, clearly enjoy talking to me, etc. So when it comes time to show my face...they ALL instantly ghost. Some have the "kindness" to come up with an excuse as to why they "can't talk to me anymore" after. But it's all the same. They are clearly uninterested and were surprised to see I'm ugly and black.

One time when I was trying to make friends at my university, so i posted on my uni subreddit hoping to make new friends. And of course all of them ghosted the after meeting me in person despite being interested and quick to answer before. Which isn't surprising because people don't want to even form platonic relationships with me.

But one guy stands out in particular because I really liked talking to him. He answered even faster than the other people did, and he clearly was very interested in me. I had little butterflies in my stomach wondering what could maybe happen. If I'd finally find someone who liked me. I could tell he was Indian based on his name, but im guessing he thought I was white based on my first name.

And when I went to meet him in person...he didn't even want to spend 5 minutes talking to me. He immediately said he had "homework" to do even though we had met up to talk and meet each other. And we were in the library at our uni, so idk why he couldn't just sit next to me and do his homework if he really had so much. That night, I still was very hopeful, and even had a dream of him kissing me (pathetic I know). He wasn't attractive or anything, and was pretty fat, but I was so desperate for having bf for once.

And unsurprisingly, he stopped talking to me after that. I hate being ugly fr

Its soon going to be the end of summer break. I kinda like summer break because it means my college town is pretty much empty since most people go home over the summer since there isnt really much to do in the city and there are much more interesting and entertaining cities surrounding it. So I've been enjoying the time to just relax, work on grad school, and most importantly NOT SEE TONS OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE.

My university is known for having a lot of good looking people, so the average person looks really good. And I go to a very large university too, so it's going to be FLOODED with all these pretty white sorority girls everywhere and it's going to be fucking bloody hell for me. They're all thin and blonde and pretty and smart and perfect and look exactly how I fucking wish I looked, and soon theyll be everywhere.

Plus on top of that there will be attractive men everywhere too who will make me feel like shit. And since where I live, the whiter and blonder you are, the more attractive you're seen and the better youre treated, theyll all see me as disgusting trash that needs to be killed. I hate walking past them, especially frat boys, and having them all laugh at me or glare at me with disgust.

I feel like the average person I see walking around is more attractive than in normal places since it skews younger here too, so I'd say like 50-60% of people are at least a 6.5-7+. Its very rare to see someone who is on my level of ugly unless they're a drug addict or old or something.

And I'm not ready for it yet. It makes me so depressed and anxious seeing all these people, even average people walking around and look so much better than me. It makes me want to cry and hide away and never come out again, but I have to at least finish my graduate program before I can become a neet. And there will be lots of people out with their SOs and friends too, while I'll have no one and look like a lonely loser since I'm too ugly for anyone to ever want to talk to me

It wouldn't be as bad if they didnt treat me like shit on top of things too. I'm so fucking tired of people just being rude to me for no reason. Even if I'm being nice. For example, I could literally hold the door open for someone and theyll either completely ignore me or theyll purposefully walk through a different door so they dont have to use the one I'm literally holding for them. While my attractive brother can hold the door and EVERYONE will thank him. A guy even once kept praising him over and over when he held the door open for him and saying how they dont make people like him anymore and yadda yadda yadda. You can bet your ass no one ever says things like that to me when I show manners or anything.

Its causing me so much anxiety knowing that summer break is almost over and all these hot people will be everywhere and I'll feel like shit and have to wear a mask every fucking day again

Somtimes I listen to these sweet romantic songs that I'd love to do a first dance as a married couple. Songs like Blue Roses for Yesterday and similar. I'll listen to them and imagine myself swaying in my husband's arms either at our wedding or sometimes when we're already married (or dating) and we're just dancing outside under the moonlight or in the living room or something and having fun. My head on his chest, his arms around me, our hips moving to the beat and laughing and smiling with each other and being so in love.

But that's all it will ever get to. Just a daydream. It doesn't help that I'll see some of these songs used in social media reels/stories/posts where women are actually getting married to someone and are living the life I'll only experience in my head. Thats actually where I'll find/discover some of these songs. From some beautiful woman posting it and showing pics of her and the person she loves. While I will never have anyone. It makes me so sad.

It's so weird how there some people out there who can just date like it's nothing. They just hop from one person to the next without even thinking about it.

I thought of this because look at Taylor Swift for example. She just got over the weekend, but has dated tons of guys before Travis. This is a woman who has literally dated MINORS as a grown ass woman and also has done questionable things like take pics with racists, and yet she is able to find someone so easily.

Also news just came out about Ariana Grande getting back together with her ex Ricky Alvarez, when it wasnt that long ago that she announced she split with her ex Ethan. Both of whom cheated on their spouses to be with each other btw. And Ariana is another person just like Taylor who has dated so many people and when she's single, it only last for like a month or two before she finds someone else

And there are so many other people like this. Regular people. Who just find someone new so easily and never have to worry about being lonely or single. Whether it's healthy or not, that's another topic.

But it makes me wonder when will it be my turn? How is it that so many people can bounce and date around, get engaged, get married, get divorced, find someone new, and so on, all in the time I've remained single? It's just not fair.

I remember I was once talking a normie friend I used to have (before he ghosted me) on discord, and he had dated several women in his life. The only non-normie thing i would say about him was that he was in his 30s and still lived with his parents but I think that's common in India where he was from. Whereas I have dated no one. He at the time was single, but has told me about all the amazing things he has done with his past gfs, all the places they've gone and traveled together, how many of them still keep in contact with him, etc.

Obviously it lowkey pissed me off because I've never dated anyone and it made me a bit jealous to hear all the things he's accomplished that I never will be able to experience.

But anyways, one day I told him about how this guy i worked with was nice to me and how i developed a crush on him (btw this guy was EXTREMELY fucking rude to me and he was only nice to me because he was new there, but once he saw how everyone else was rude to me, he realized he could be rude to me too without getting fired. But I was delusional and hoped maybe he liked me). So I was telling him about how he was nice to me, and immediately my friend got so mad and was saying how he wishes he had someone who loved him and how lonely he was and how he was going to be single forever and blah blah blah.

Bruh, how is it that I literally get the tiniest morsel of kindness from someone while this guy has literally been in tons of relationships, yet it makes him mad that just ONE positive thing happened to me (and it wasn't even truly positive, it's just that the guy was being falsely nice until he began to cuss at and scream and blame things on me and stuff). But ive had to sit through listening to him brag about his relationships and stuff

Another example is when I told my old bosses that I got an A in this difficult engineering class and how my professor from the class told me my final project was very good and was very impressed by it. And rather than being happy, one just doubled over laughing very loudly because she didn't think I was capable enough to do that and the other just glared at me and said negative things about me.

Its just so weird to me how normies get mad like that whenever you say something good happened to you, but the second something bad happens, it becomes them insulting you and making you feel like you deserve everything negative happening to you in your life.

I feel like people are so rude to me for no reason and constantly look down on me and see me as an annoying dumb useless pest. Everywhere I go, people just use any excuse or reason they can to shit on me and make me feel bad.

For example, I've been super busy lately with grad school and none of my experiments have been working. So there was girl who was working in the lab on something yesterday (she already graduated but was using the computer in there for something). And I asked her if she could just give me some help on what to do since she did similar experiments to me.

So I was trying to show her what I did, and she got mad at me because I wasn't doing exactly what she said. I tried to explain to her that I did do what she told me to...multiple times, and literally would spend time in the lab for 12+ hours many days in a row trying to do things the way she did and it clearly was not working, so of course I had to change my approach. So I tried to pull up a file that had results of using her method and a file that had results of using mine so we could maybe compare and figure out what next steps to do, and she got mad and started screaming at me and insulting me and told me she can't accept looking at the file using her method because she wasn't there to see me do it. I literally had just done it, she was just turned around working on the computer and I didn't want to bother her while I was getting the data. After she was done insulting me, she told me she has been working on this type of work for much longer than I have (yes true) so I should listen to her, but she also was using simpler devices to do it with and also was in a different building. The building we were in before is more suited for these types of experiments, but its now being remodeled, so we had to move. People don't let me be creative and try new things, they only expect me to do things their way because they view me as too dumb to be able to come up with new methods on my own.

So we started all over with her standing next to me, and of course using her method was giving the same issues I've been dealing with this whole time. So when I tried to point that out, she just shushed me and told me not to talk. Like I was just some dumb insolent child pissing her off instead of a full grown adult. And I just stayed quiet and embarrassed/ashamed and waited for her to leave. In the past, she's also insulted me like this right in front of our boss/professor in hopes of not having to work with me anymore but thankfully he wasn't there yesterday since it was the weekend.

And its just annoying because I feel like people always treat me this way. For her it wasn't even that bad since I've had people full on cuss at me and blame things on me and be way ruder to me than she was. But it just hurt more from her because she is someone who is big on respect due to her culture (she's from Nigeria) but I guess I'm too ugly and annoying for her to extend that same treatment to me. And it hit me that I don't even try to fight it anymore because I'm so used to people treating me like I'm less than and being rude to me.

And the thing is that the girl (and many others) always tend to say insults to me that aren't even true. They just assume it based on one interaction with me, or just make it up because that's what they think must be true even though they have no reason to think that. But you never see them acting this way towards other people. The only other person I know who has been treated as poorly and given no respect as I have is also (unfortunately) very ugly.