u/Jasmine22223

Motherhood has unbeknownst to me made me process things about my mother & I am pretty sure that I have concluded that she either is a full blown narcissist or has developed narcissistic qualities due to her horrific childhood, which I have also now processed/am realizing that I don't believe she is as healed from it as she always made it seem...

I could totally be wrong but it seems that ever since I have become a mother & am raising my son in a completely different environment than her or I was raised in (she was a single mother to me whom bottle fed, sleep trained, etc. & came from a horrific upbringing so all-in-all broke the cycle in parts but I feel that there is still so much that she dumped on me/did to me emotionally that she doesnt even realize due to being unhealed from her horrific childhood) & just completely differently via breastfeeding, cosleeping/contact napping & being a stay at home mother/my son has a father loving/tradiontional home to grow up in (which neither my mother or I had either of those things) that she is really letting her true colors show because she disagrees with so much of what I am doing/has no control anymore..

I am not able to work around her schedule anymore (I still do as possible but can't just go-with-the-flowof her schedule literally all of the time like I used to be able to) & even when we get together to help her out (she is single by choice and for as long as I can recall only ever wants to get together for help/chores as she says, "she has too much shit to do" or some holidays & literally relies on myself, my brother & my fiancè for all extra help, even though friends & coworkers of hers have offered to help sooo many times) my time still revolves around my 8 month old son even though I still do what I can for her.. I have barely been apart from him since he was born/no one else has watched him alone due to myself just loving being home/raising him & myself/his Dada believing in attachment parenting more so & that his separate bonding/alone time with family will come later... even though we still visit/have our families over as much as possible/we can tell loves his extended family so much already... when I tried to be positive about him sleeping at her place in the future she literally scoffed & stated, "yeah I don't forsee that happening any time soon"...

Also small but weird example..

When my son was right around first born I told her something along the lines of how I thought I knew that "he was just such a beautiful soul" & her response was literally a disapproving/disgusted noise before changing the subject..

I made a much longer post a handful of days ago but was too nervous about all of the details I shared/it being obvious that it was about her/it somehow getting back to her so I deleted it but because I still can't stop thinking about it, decided to go this route instead lol & am open to sharing more to help confirm this or not for me but am just scared...

She has always seemed like/been such a positive, genuine, down-to-earth, strong, beautiful soul to me so the fact that I have processed this to this point in general just blows my mind because I thought that she always was so supportive of me/my life & was going to be such a rock for me starting off motherhood but has actually been the one to bring me the most distress..

& to top it off she is currently recovering from a non terminal cancer but cancer nonetheless so this all coming to light for me has just made me feel no end of guilt & am not sure if I am overthinking & maybe she is just extra stressed from that...

I am open to being wrong & am open to therapy, just wanted to start here via finding peace/similarities in others stories..

Healing is just too important to me for myself, my son & my beautiful fiancé & kitties...

So I want to know, any daughters of narcissistic mothers out there, did it come to light when you became a mother yourself?? If so, how??

What kinds of things did you start to notice??

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

Motherhood has unbeknownst to me made me process things about my mother & I am pretty sure that I have concluded that she either is a full blown narcissist or has developed narcissistic qualities due to her horrific childhood, which I have also now processed/am realizing that I don't believe she is as healed from it as she always made it seem...

I could totally be wrong but it seems that ever since I have become a mother & am raising my son in a completely different environment than her or I was raised in (she was a single mother to me whom bottle fed, sleep trained, etc. & came from a horrific upbringing so all-in-all broke the cycle in parts but I feel that there is still so much that she dumped on me/did to me emotionally that she doesnt even realize due to being unhealed from her horrific childhood) & just completely differently via breastfeeding, cosleeping/contact napping & being a stay at home mother/my son has a father loving/tradiontional home to grow up in (which neither my mother or I had either of those things) that she is really letting her true colors show because she disagrees with so much of what I am doing/has no control anymore..

I am not able to work around her schedule anymore (I still do as possible but can't just go-with-the-flowof her schedule literally all of the time like I used to be able to) & even when we get together to help her out (she is single by choice and for as long as I can recall only ever wants to get together for help/chores as she says, "she has too much shit to do" or some holidays & literally relies on myself, my brother & my fiancè for all extra help, even though friends & coworkers of hers have offered to help sooo many times) my time still revolves around my 8 month old son even though I still do what I can for her.. I have barely been apart from him since he was born/no one else has watched him alone due to myself just loving being home/raising him & myself/his Dada believing in attachment parenting more so & that his separate bonding/alone time with family will come later... even though we still visit/have our families over as much as possible/we can tell loves his extended family so much already... when I tried to be positive about him sleeping at her place in the future she literally scoffed & stated, "yeah I don't forsee that happening any time soon"...

Also small but weird example..

When my son was right around first born I told her something along the lines of how I thought I knew that "he was just such a beautiful soul" & her response was literally a disapproving/disgusted noise before changing the subject..

I made a much longer post a handful of days ago but was too nervous about all of the details I shared/it being obvious that it was about her/it somehow getting back to her so I deleted it but because I still can't stop thinking about it, decided to go this route instead lol & am open to sharing more to help confirm this or not for me but am just scared...

She has always seemed like/been such a positive, genuine, down-to-earth, strong, beautiful soul to me so the fact that I have processed this to this point in general just blows my mind because I thought that she always was so supportive of me/my life & was going to be such a rock for me starting off motherhood but has actually been the one to bring me the most distress..

& to top it off she is currently recovering from a non terminal cancer but cancer nonetheless so this all coming to light for me has just made me feel no end of guilt & am not sure if I am overthinking & maybe she is just extra stressed from that...

I am open to being wrong & am open to therapy, just wanted to start here via finding peace/similarities in others stories..

Healing is just too important to me for myself, my son & my beautiful fiancé & kitties...

So I want to know, any daughters of narcissistic mothers out there, did it come to light when you became a mother yourself?? If so, how??

What kinds of things did you start to notice??

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

Motherhood has unbeknownst to me made me process things about my mother & I am pretty sure that I have concluded that she either is a full blown narcissist or has developed narcissistic qualities due to her horrific childhood, which I have also now processed/am realizing that I don't believe she is as healed from it as she always made it seem...

I could totally be wrong but it seems that ever since I have become a mother & am raising my son in a completely different environment than her or I was raised in (she was a single mother to me whom bottle fed, sleep trained, etc. & came from a horrific upbringing so all-in-all broke the cycle in parts but I feel that there is still so much that she dumped on me/did to me emotionally that she doesnt even realize due to being unhealed from her horrific childhood) & just completely differently via breastfeeding, cosleeping/contact napping & being a stay at home mother/my son has a father loving/tradiontional home to grow up in (which neither my mother or I had either of those things) that she is really letting her true colors show because she disagrees with so much of what I am doing/has no control anymore..

I am not able to work around her schedule anymore (I still do as possible but can't just go-with-the-flowof her schedule literally all of the time like I used to be able to) & even when we get together to help her out (she is single by choice and for as long as I can recall only ever wants to get together for help/chores as she says, "she has too much shit to do" or some holidays & literally relies on myself, my brother & my fiancè for all extra help, even though friends & coworkers of hers have offered to help sooo many times) my time still revolves around my 8 month old son even though I still do what I can for her.. I have barely been apart from him since he was born/no one else has watched him alone due to myself just loving being home/raising him & myself/his Dada believing in attachment parenting more so & that his separate bonding/alone time with family will come later... even though we still visit/have our families over as much as possible/we can tell loves his extended family so much already... when I tried to be positive about him sleeping at her place in the future she literally scoffed & stated, "yeah I don't forsee that happening any time soon"...

Also small but weird example..

When my son was right around first born I told her something along the lines of how I thought I knew that "he was just such a beautiful soul" & her response was literally a disapproving/disgusted noise before changing the subject..

I made a much longer post a handful of days ago but was too nervous about all of the details I shared/it being obvious that it was about her/it somehow getting back to her so I deleted it but because I still can't stop thinking about it, decided to go this route instead lol & am open to sharing more to help confirm this or not for me but am just scared...

She has always seemed like/been such a positive, genuine, down-to-earth, strong, beautiful soul to me so the fact that I have processed this to this point in general just blows my mind because I thought that she always was so supportive of me/my life & was going to be such a rock for me starting off motherhood but has actually been the one to bring me the most distress..

& to top it off she is currently recovering from a non terminal cancer but cancer nonetheless so this all coming to light for me has just made me feel no end of guilt & am not sure if I am overthinking & maybe she is just extra stressed from that...

I am open to being wrong & am open to therapy, just wanted to start here via finding peace/similarities in others stories..

Healing is just too important to me for myself, my son & my beautiful fiancé & kitties...

So I want to know, any daughters of narcissistic mothers out there, did it come to light when you became a mother yourself?? If so, how??

What kinds of things did you start to notice??

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

Motherhood has unbeknownst to me made me process things about my mother & I am pretty sure that I have concluded that she either is a full blown narcissist or has developed narcissistic qualities due to her horrific childhood, which I have also now processed/am realizing that I don't believe she is as healed from it as she always made it seem...

I could totally be wrong but it seems that ever since I have become a mother & am raising my son in a completely different environment than her or I was raised in (she was a single mother to me whom bottle fed, sleep trained, etc. & came from a horrific upbringing so all-in-all broke the cycle in parts but I feel that there is still so much that she dumped on me/did to me emotionally that she doesnt even realize due to being unhealed from her horrific childhood) & just completely differently via breastfeeding, cosleeping/contact napping & being a stay at home mother/my son has a father loving/tradiontional home to grow up in (which neither my mother or I had either of those things) that she is really letting her true colors show because she disagrees with so much of what I am doing/has no control anymore..

I am not able to work around her schedule anymore (I still do as possible but can't just go-with-the-flowof her schedule literally all of the time like I used to be able to) & even when we get together to help her out (she is single by choice and for as long as I can recall only ever wants to get together for help/chores as she says, "she has too much shit to do" or some holidays & literally relies on myself, my brother & my fiancè for all extra help, even though friends & coworkers of hers have offered to help sooo many times) my time still revolves around my 8 month old son even though I still do what I can for her.. I have barely been apart from him since he was born/no one else has watched him alone due to myself just loving being home/raising him & myself/his Dada believing in attachment parenting more so & that his separate bonding/alone time with family will come later... even though we still visit/have our families over as much as possible/we can tell loves his extended family so much already... when I tried to be positive about him sleeping at her place in the future she literally scoffed & stated, "yeah I don't forsee that happening any time soon"...

Also small but weird example..

When my son was right around first born I told her something along the lines of how I thought I knew that "he was just such a beautiful soul" & her response was literally a disapproving/disgusted noise before changing the subject..

I made a much longer post a handful of days ago but was too nervous about all of the details I shared/it being obvious that it was about her/it somehow getting back to her so I deleted it but because I still can't stop thinking about it, decided to go this route instead lol & am open to sharing more to help confirm this or not for me but am just scared...

She has always seemed like/been such a positive, genuine, down-to-earth, strong, beautiful soul to me so the fact that I have processed this to this point in general just blows my mind because I thought that she always was so supportive of me/my life & was going to be such a rock for me starting off motherhood but has actually been the one to bring me the most distress..

& to top it off she is currently recovering from a non terminal cancer but cancer nonetheless so this all coming to light for me has just made me feel no end of guilt & am not sure if I am overthinking & maybe she is just extra stressed from that...

I am open to being wrong & am open to therapy, just wanted to start here via finding peace/similarities in others stories..

Healing is just too important to me for myself, my son & my beautiful fiancé & kitties...

So I want to know, any daughters of narcissistic mothers out there, did it come to light when you became a mother yourself?? If so, how??

What kinds of things did you start to notice??

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

Just to start off, I am brand new to Reddit so apologize if I am unknowingly not doing something right! My fiancé has shown me his posts about our cats lol that is the extent really of what I knew prior to typing this out now!

Also, this is going to be a LONG rant/back story/advice seeking post as I feel the information is necessary to understand where I am coming from as I am honestly not sure if my mom is a full blown narcissist but I believe that she may have developed narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism from her childhood trauma & doesn't even realize it... which is what I mainly believe : I am a byproduct of my mother's unhealed trauma that she doesn't even realize she is unhealed from, she truly is by far better than the people that raised her... but is sadly blinded to be able to grow where she needs..

My Mother's Background/Present Day :

She grew up in a small family/small town in a primarily single mother household after her father committed suicide in prison when my mom was barely even a tween yet - people at his funeral didn't even know who she was, just to paint a weird/horrible picture there in so many words. Her brother, a master manipulater/drug addict, was also in & out of prison her whole life & her mother was a raging alcoholic/became very promiscuous after her husband's death & whom became severely physically abusive as she got older - seemed like she always was emotionally. There is a lot more that honestly seems like a horror movie but that isn't fully my story to tell so really only want to share that absolute basic/few details. Oddly enough, she blames her brother for most of her trauma. She was primarily raised by her mother's father whom I have only ever heard wonderful things about. She had me with my father (early 20's) and my brother with my brother's father, both relationships not working out. Dated a "father figure" of mine off & on for years & other men after that but to this day has never married. Moved around a lot between hometown & other small surrounding areas but settled back into her childhood home around when I was 11. All-in-all growing up, she always seemed like the woman who was kind & genuine & stronger than anyone I knew for overcoming what she did - although, to this day I now question how much she actually did.. I do know that she truly tried to give my brother & I a better life & know that she truly loves us - something has just always been a little off. She is now still living alone (has always talked negatively about men/marriage even though in the recent past she has eluded otherwise), running a makeshift dog-kennel out of it & recovering from breast cancer.

My Background/Present Day :

Was born/grew up in the same town/home as my mother asides from when we moved around a lot when I was younger. Never met my biological father as he was apparently a bad man (have other proof of this asides from my mother) & just didn't want to be my father. All-in-all always had a good/loving relationship with my mother but also recall absolutely hating being in my home at times due to my mother - could never always put my finger on the why. Moved away for basically all of my 20's but still stayed close with my mother & moved back in with her in my late 20's after ending a toxic relationship. Moved out soon after falling genuinely in love with a childhood friend of mine who apparently "fell in love with me at first sight" - we live a simple life but is honestly just a dream come true/fairy tale with him. We had our first son at the end of last year who is now 8 months old, breastfed & I am blessed by his daddy, my fiancè, to be home with him full time - we also have 2 kitties, he is my absolute best friend & we truly are just in love with our life - we have also done a lot of work/healing/growing together to get to this point. My only complaint is feeling disrespected as a mother by my own mother.

Past & Present Comments/Incidents Making Me Question as to Whether or Not She is a Narcissist/Has Developed Narcissistic Qualities as a Defense Mechanism :

(I know there are sooo many I probably don't remember/am forgetting but wanted to try my best to name the ones that stuck out to me/summarize what I could - and I understand how subtle some of this all is & know that what I went through with her/what I am sharing isn't as "in your face" or down right horrific as a lot of you, unfortunately, had to endure - just consistent/off-putting enough to make me question my sanity at times, especially now that it is still happenng to this day as a mother with my son)

***I grew up never always knowing which version of my mother I was going to get that day & could instantly read her mood before even seeing her face/hearing her voice - sometimes even just the way she wore her hair was a give away

***she has always referred to knowing/loving that I am my own person but yet I have truly never felt her genuine approval unless she agreed with what I was doing/wearing/liked/etc. - a part of me has always felt that maybe she doesn't fully like/respect me for me - example she got upset one time when I rearranged some packing she did for me via me putting all my books together in one tote instead of in a bunch of separate totes (I have self-diagnosed OCD & ADD lol) and didn't say anything to her about it, just did it, & she lashed out & yelled something like, "you've always been like this & I am never helping you pack again if you're going to be like this" to which I apologized but later that evening at a dinner with her bosses at the time was passive-aggressively saying "how great I am" to the waitress I graduated with & asked her "don't you just wanna slap her?!" and played it off as a joke

***she used to bring me around a lot when she was partying with her friends/"visiting guy friends" & I have seen her get belligerently drunk/even emotionally mean towards me at times & have woken up in the middle of those nights where I had to sleep at whatever place she was partying at to hear/see her having intercourse with many men/"guy friends" - I even woke up one night (I have woken up in the middle of the night since I can remember as I am a chronic migraine sufferer who has always had to drink lots of water through the day/close to bed) to her having intercourse in the bed literally right next to me with my "father figure" at the time

***she refers to mine & my brother's childhood as if there were literally zero problems ever & I am too afraid to try to bring up anything directed about her wrong-doings as I feel, from past experience, that she will just blow up/give me the silent treatment or even remove herself from my life - even though we didn't have anywhere near as horrific a childhood as her definitely, in my opinion, had our struggles and one major thing I recall from my brother's is that he absolutely hated going to his dad's after he & my mother split when he was a toddler via his dad always getting so upset over every little thing, you name it & it would likely upset him & when I brought up in a conversation recently that is probably a factor as to why my brother struggles to share his emotions most of the time, she thanked me for the perspective as "she never thought of that"

***she always had this weird habit of speaking for me but then would tell me to chime in to "tell the story" as if just controlling exactly how things were said to people about me - she also micromanaged almost every little chore I did around the house & would get so upset if I didn't do it exactly how she wanted it done

***my mom was venting to me about always watching this one "friend's" dog for free, even though she doesn't have to, and just complaining about this human being in general even though the woman has just gushed to me over how amazing my mom is & how lucky she is to have her & at the end of my mom's ranting said, "yup I only do these kinds of things because this is what is going to get me into heaven" - which I was thinking probably isn't the point of why God would want you to do nice things lol - also, off topic of the above she has stopped over unannounced recently for dog baths (as we allow her to do them here because she only has a shower at her home - even though I know she could but doesn't want to go to Pet Supplies Plus to do it there literally for free) even though I always tell her to at least just let me know when she is on her way - she lives about 20 minutes away

***when I got pregnant with my son (first child) at 30 I was so nervous to tell my mom as I thought she would be upset & kept replaying in my head how she told teenage-me that if I got pregnant that she "would not help out with the baby & would disown me" - which I doubt she remembers saying even

***My fiancé & I recently started letting our cats up on the cupboards (not counters, only if they are jumping right up to the cupboard/fridge/etc.) because we both agree it is nothing to get upset over/it is instinctual for them to seek the highest point so why not?! They are amazing kitties & have even noticed behavior improvement by letting them do so & when my mom saw/heard this she instantly pointed to cupboard where the one cat was & started telling me that "he is only allowed on that specific cupboard but none of the other ones" - seems like a super minor thing to get upset over but has tried to control how we raise our cats in other ways right down to switching their food without asking us when she watched them while my fiancé & I were at the hospital for 5 days while I was giving birth to my son which literally ended up being in factor in my one cats almost losing his life, literally... also she always has & to this day uses yelling & physical abuse as a form of "training" for her dogs & cats and it just makes me sick to my stomach..

***even though she makes comments about "how well I wear motherhood" she will instantly switch to another mode if she disagrees with something I have told her my fiancè & I are doing with our son - she is constantly asking/giving unwanted advice about his sleeping/eating habits - I can tell that she has never agreed with my breastfeeding/contact napping with him & when I told her he was napping on my boob one day (he was like a month old, maybe, at this point & I just thought that she would laugh/find it cute) she asked in a very disgusted tone, "he's napping where?? Your..your boob?? Does he do that a lot??" & made it known that she believes if I don't sleep train him/let him "cry it out" from time-to-time that I am guaranteed to mess up his sleep & give him anxiety... my fiancè & I are very much so on-the-same-page with how we are raising our son & he is thriving, happy & his doctor has told us repeatedly how wonderful he is & to "keep doing what we are doing"

***I told her one time around when my son was first born - maybe a month or so old at this point - what a "beautiful soul I just knew he was/is" & her response was literally a disapproving noise & immediately changing the subject

***to this day we only get together when she needs help with stuff or for certain holidays - otherwise she is always just "too busy" & right down to there have been times that she didn't even want to hold my son just to give him a kiss/say goodbye even because "now just isn't the time" but yet complains/makes me feel guilty for the fact that she hasn't had him over yet for a sleepover & whenever I try to be positive about how "my heart will soar" when the day comes that he shows/tells me how safe/confident he feels to do so, she just responds with "yeah well I know that isn't happening any time soon"

All-in-all I have done my research into this & have found the potential of her being a narcissist/having developed narcissistic qualities as the only thing that has made sense as to the consistent negative trait of her's that I have never been able to put my finger on.. I am completely open-minded to being wrong, though. Maybe this is more of a control thing for her/having to do with her trauma but nothing related to narcissism?? I just truly felt something in me telling me to put this all out here, which honestly is not something I would normally do, to get some outside perspective before I attempt therapy/medication which I am also completely open to if I need it.

Healing myself for me, my wonderful fiancé & our beautiful son/kitties is just too important to me & if someone here can help make sense of things for me, I will be forever grateful! Just for some reason felt some peace reading others' stories on here and wanted to give it a try...

My fiancé is just the most amazing man/partner/father & is 100% on the same page with me regarding communicating about this & literally anything/everything - on top of it I have a long-time-friend whom is also just wonderful/supportive/going through something incredibly similar with her mother (her situation is just far more "in your face" compared to mine being more subtle) - so the support system I have is wonderful! On top of my fiancé's side of the family being so supportive/respectful to us as a family, despite where I know they disagree - which is literally all I want from my mom, just acceptance of my motherhood & stop acting like she has a say in the inner-workings of my home/life! So just know that this LONG rant is absolutely strictly to, hopefully, help me find some peace with this myself..

My apologies for the crazy long rant lol..

Thank you in advance & I truly wish only the best for all of you out there struggling/trying to heal yourselves from whatever undeserving trauma you went through..💕

Edit :

I forgot this bigger incident lol.. I came back from a long road trip, my first out of state trip without family, I took right after high school with my childhood best friend & started talking with my mom about it right when getting home from it & almost immediately into the conversation she literally cuts me off, hands me an obituary for my grandmother on my biological father's side & stated something along the lines of "how she wasn't sure how to bring it up but wanted me to know" and then we never talked about the trip after that...